Author Topic: My Twelfth Birthday (with second rewrite)  (Read 2049 times)

Offline drab

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday
« Reply #15 on: March 04, 2012, 10:38:37 AM »
Indar, you have either too much time on your hands or you are very clever. Probably the latter. Don't reply that both apply, (that was poetic) intelligent people should not be idle.
I was just looking at some of Darwin's evolution quotes, e.g.  A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.
Regards
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline indar

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday
« Reply #16 on: March 04, 2012, 11:03:46 AM »
OK Drab, guess I'll go watch some TV ;) (WWDT)*

*what would Darwin think?

Offline drab

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday
« Reply #17 on: March 04, 2012, 02:08:02 PM »
As long as it involves the Galapagos Islands and there were no preachers to be seen he'd probably approve.
Regards
Rev. drab  ;D
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday
« Reply #18 on: March 05, 2012, 12:46:22 AM »
A lot of intellectual picking over of this poem on the thread.
For me its an 'In the Moment' recollection,
that, for me, does not work.

I lowered the square of candle-smoked glass ................I would cut "candle"
and stared straight at the corona.............cut the period
Just as morning birds ceased singing...............cut "just"  put Period here.
patterns of dark and light..................................................................cut "patterns of", cap Dark
flickered across the grass
as if the world was underwater.
I knew then that with science
comes miracles..........................good.

In the end I don't get much from this poem.  I don't feel your awe, or involvement
in the event.  It is all rather too cool.

sparky




Offline indar

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday
« Reply #19 on: March 05, 2012, 02:17:05 AM »
Drab, we could let teilhard de chardin on the island.

Thanks Sparky. I'll rewrite this per your suggestions and have a look at it. I probably agree with you about the sense of awe. As I said to Sio, I may revisit the event via an entirely different poem some day.

Offline duck

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday
« Reply #20 on: March 05, 2012, 10:17:35 AM »
Hi Indar I enjoyed this well enough indeed as a description of the incident. It does lack per taste a couple of elements - maybe awe and maybe more of the personal you put in your posts. However, I am not sure that you set out to write those two things into the poem.
If it is intended as cool description it works on that level, if you wanted awe, it does not. if you wanted a more personal history, it does not. I see no contradiction in science and miracles except a semantical one.
Duck

Offline indar

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday
« Reply #21 on: March 05, 2012, 07:47:27 PM »
Yeh, I think that if we don't approach the always receding horizon of infinite questions with a sense of the mystical, pragmatism takes over, pure theoretical science loses its allure and then what? Thanks for the read and comments Duck.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday (with rewrite)
« Reply #22 on: March 06, 2012, 12:52:09 AM »
It still don't work for me Indar.
Poetry will reveal your truth,
and this says you have not brought your emotional self
into this poem yet.  If it is a true experience
then relive it.  If it is not then fake it,
but make it a good fake :-)

Offline indar

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday (with rewrite)
« Reply #23 on: March 06, 2012, 12:56:48 AM »
Yep, time to let this one sink into the pit of no return ;)

Offline Victor

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday (with rewrite)
« Reply #24 on: March 06, 2012, 05:28:46 AM »
the revision is good and i like the images. but science doesnt cause eclipses...the cosmic designs do. so what really incited the reverence in that child ? surely not her perceived knowledge (or the lack of knowledge) of its mechanism. or is it...say... the profound spine-tingling awareness that we all experience when we realize that beneath all the surface explanations of physical phenomena there must exist something more esoteric ..something far beyond the grasp of the human intellect that only sees and tries to explain things by differentiation ? look deeper and tell us what the twelve year old really experienced at that time. an inspired start so ill give it another shot.
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline DIZI

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday (with rewrite)
« Reply #25 on: March 06, 2012, 02:51:21 PM »
No, don't send it to the pit of no return...yet.

My Twelfth Birthday

I lowered the square of smoked glass
and stared straight at the corona,
morning birds ceased singing.their song
Dark and light (maybe make these words stronger)
flickered across the grass (could be earth)
as if the world was an underwater world (maybe make these words stronger)[/color]
I knew then that with science
comes miracles.

There is a God. (or some other strong statement)

JMO
http://dizidi.blogspot.com/

Offline indar

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday (with rewrite)
« Reply #26 on: March 06, 2012, 03:11:13 PM »
Thanks Dizi, I like your suggestions. I guess this poem is not going to go away so I might as well edit it again ;D. I would never make a jump from the effects the solar eclipse had on me to proof of God. I mentioned Teilhard de Chardin on this thread: I am intrigued by his idea of "maximum coherance". I also read such thinkers as Karl Rahner. The Catholic church offers an easy guide to good theologians i.e. have they been or have they been threatened with excommunication.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierre_Teilhard_de_Chardin

read section titled "teachings"

Offline DIZI

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday (with rewrite)
« Reply #27 on: March 06, 2012, 03:21:40 PM »
lol. (God) Only a suggestion to get you flowing again. i think some one above said, think of what it really meant to you.
Ive been working on a poem now for about a week. Giving it 100s of my hours, at least I can. I think it's finished....
I'll re- look your reading suggestions for me, I can't seem to find any thing of interest lately.
http://dizidi.blogspot.com/

Offline indar

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Re: My Twelfth Birthday (with rewrite)
« Reply #28 on: March 06, 2012, 03:43:35 PM »
Victor, thank you for your comments---this thing seems to be evolving on its own---haha. I'm going to do dizi's version next ;)