Author Topic: Spider watching  (Read 1065 times)

Offline drab

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Spider watching
« on: February 19, 2012, 09:39:56 PM »
Arse to arse,
in separate dents,
waiting
for one to cross the border

clean sheets, sepia
a blank canvas, 
waiting
to be oiled again...

coloured with sweat strokes,
fleshed out.

They watch spiders instead,
parcelled together
cocooned, before
the final extraction,

he sees the lace and, she
the wound.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline duck

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Re: Spider watching
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2012, 02:46:22 AM »
Hi Drab,
I find your writing becomes ever mor interesting with each poem - more complex and simple at the same time. Interesting subject too.
Well done
Duck

Offline Royal Kumari

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Re: Spider watching
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2012, 10:31:48 AM »
I find this piece quite hard to relate to-- aside from the sense of fascination of watching life in its most minute of details. Though, I hardly think that relating is what you had intended. Rather, I see this poem for what it is: minimalist, observant, captivating, and dream-like.


All the best and then some,
RK

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Spider watching
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2012, 06:11:38 PM »
Hi drab

reading this I want to scold you for lack of clarity, but on the other hand
the writing is very clear, its me then.

Wonderful work!

Sparky

zachary.hamilton15

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Re: Spider watching
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2012, 06:55:10 PM »

Arse to arse,
in separate dents,
waiting
for one to cross the border

(clean sheets, sepia
a blank canvas, 
waiting
to be oiled again...) nice

coloured with sweat strokes,
fleshed out.

(They watch spiders instead,
parcelled together
cocooned, before
the final extraction,) nice

(he sees the lace and, she
the wound.) nice

You have some really nice lines here.
Circled them above, good read.
+zach

Offline drab

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Re: Spider watching
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2012, 07:16:53 PM »
Thanks duck & S. So glad you approve.  :) (Still working on the clarity S)
RK & zac, I appreciate you dropping by, nice to see fresh new blood here. Hope you enjoy your stay.  :)
Regards
Rev. drab
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Spider watching
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2012, 07:57:05 PM »
Love S2 and 3 -- very strong image.

I've never watched spiders before so I have no idea what the wound is. The average speed of a housefly is 5miles per hour . . . that damned thought can throw you, when one of the buggers is buzzing round the bedroom. Not supposed to laugh when you're concentrating. ;) ;) ;)
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Offline drab

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Re: Spider watching
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2012, 08:20:43 PM »
Thanks 5.
He sees the 'lace' being the web/caught/trapped.
She sees the 'wound' being the damage/hurt he caused.
'the final extraction' being the last drop of whatever they had together.
The next time I'm 'thinking of Ireland' and am being 'taken' by my wife I'll ponder on your 5 mph fly. They must all originate from the Bushmills factory! We have a speedier, more sober breed down South.  ;D
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Spider watching
« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2012, 08:22:59 PM »
 :o :o :o :o :o Outraged! The information about the housefly was from a trivia quiz machine in London . . . nothing to do with the distillery. ;D
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Offline drab

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Re: Spider watching
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2012, 08:44:04 PM »
Don't be offended pet.  :-*
If I were a fly, I'd be a nan xxxtreeemly shhloww one, shwheres dat drisrtillery again?
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline Köy Deli

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Re: Spider watching
« Reply #10 on: February 22, 2012, 02:44:20 PM »
I read it as a couple awaiting each the other to initiate intimacy, but instead watch a spider in its web, a metaphor for feelings of entrapment and hurt that has initiated the growing distance between them. A nice conceit with good imagery and strong lines. The punctuation stikes me as odd in places;

Arse to arse,
in separate dents,
waiting
for one to cross the border

clean sheets, sepia - a little confused by the comma after sheets here
a blank canvas,  
waiting
to be oiled again...

coloured with sweat strokes,
fleshed out.

They watch spiders instead,
parcelled together
cocooned, before
the final extraction, - a comma after together? I think it could lose 'before the final extraction' with no great loss.

he sees the lace and, she - nice line cut here, I think it would be stronger without the comma after and
the wound

Köy Deli
« Last Edit: February 22, 2012, 02:47:46 PM by Köy Deli »
Köy Deli
Turkey

Offline drab

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Re: Spider watching
« Reply #11 on: February 22, 2012, 08:19:28 PM »
Thanks Koy. Love your name (real or otherwise)
I'll look at your kind observations.
Regards
Rev, drab
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.