Author Topic: An excerpt of a short story 589 words  (Read 1398 times)

Offline Taias

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An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« on: February 19, 2012, 07:48:54 PM »
Just the introduction for you...:) wishing you a lovely time and thank you for reading.


Billy Graham ran through the familiar field on his way back from school.  Corn husks fell like confetti in his wake as he pushed through the unforgiving vegetation.  Threads of red blood mapped the backs of his hands from sharp brittle stalks but went unnoticed.  School was out for the day and that meant one thing to Billy: Jimmy Saunders and his gang of one cell delinquents were giving chase as they did every afternoon Monday through Friday.  

His torment.
 
To Jimmy and his gang this was a game, they gave chase cackling and whooping with demented delight as their prey reached for his inhaler to free his lungs from the clutches of asthma.
Billy darenít look back not even to check where his book bag fell as he tossed it so that his arms could move more freely. That was the third one this month and his mother would whip his ass purple. That seemed so far away and distant, not nearly as painful as if Jimmy caught him.

Billy didnít run because he wanted to, Billy ran because he had to.

Past the stream sidestepping the bubbling white water and hopping from one slick rock to the next Billy danced; his slick shoe soles slipping and threatening an ankle sprain at every hop but still the Saunders boy plagued him, and for what?  Billy made no apologies for his size, he was a seven year old boy tall enough to be with the eleven year olds and he had the smarts to match it too.  However for Billy, being smart made him the envy and, the butt end of an easy target, with Jimmy Saunders always the one taking a steady aim.  
Far off in the distance Billy heard the church clock strike four and familiarity had taught him that he was not far from home.


Tana Graham stood on the back porch leaning against a faded white blistering wooden beam taking in the last rays of an autumn sun.  She too had heard the church clock chiming and waited with foot tapping impatience for Billy to tear ass up the drive way and slam the gate behind him.  She was ready to cuss at the Saunders boy, it seemed all she could do, but even her best wasnít good enough to put a stop her sonís persecution.

Five past four came and went with a yawn and still Tana waited.  Perhaps Billy had not been chased today. Probably, she wished, he was weaving through the cornfields lost in his own daydream bubble, but her stomach told her something different.  
What if Jimmy had caught him?

As four thirty rolled effortlessly into four forty-five Tana tossed her fourth smouldering cancer stick onto the dry dirt and heeled it until it resembled roadkill.  
Billy was late, real late. Silently and painfully slowly, the chord that ran from Tanaís all too empty womb to her heart pulled so tight she could barely stand to breathe.  

Tana saw the Saunders boy and his tribe hurl themselves on a dust cloud past her house yelping and squealing.  She found herself speechless as the boys fought to stay on their fast moving feet.  Jimmy looked over at her, malachite eyes pierced through his dirty blond fringe and in that one look, that single frantic glare, Jimmy spoke volumes.  

Billy wasnít with them.

A chilled wind delicately caressed Tanaís sun soaked cheeks sending shivers down her slender arms all the way to the tips of her fingers.  

Billy wasnít coming home.



Offline bowmore bill

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2012, 05:27:57 PM »
Hi Tais I really enjoyed this excerpt. It moved along with as much pace as Billy and held the interest right up to the end.
Descriptive and believable. Look forward to reading more, somehow or other I don't think that is the last we will hear of Billy.

Offline Taias

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2012, 05:54:06 PM »
Why, thank you Bill :)

Taias
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2012, 09:27:43 PM »
Hi-- the name Billy Graham immediately made me think of the preacher. :-[ :-[ :-[

Once I got over that though, a very enjoyable read. Love the mother. Oh dear, what has happened to Billy? ;) ;) ;)
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Offline Dawn

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2012, 06:25:15 AM »
I enjoyed this. ;D Can't wait to read more about Billy.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Taias

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2012, 05:18:27 PM »
Thank you for your kind words :)

Taias
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Offline Justin D Hill

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2012, 06:39:07 AM »
Great read from beginning to end!
Please check out my facebook page for updates and like if your interested:

http://www.facebook.com/ZodacciaInc.GraphicsDesigns

Offline Taias

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2012, 07:20:56 AM »
Thank you Justin :)

Have a lovely day.

Taias
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heidi52

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2012, 10:23:48 AM »
Nice read, thank you. Kept my interest from start (tho I did nave the same reaction as 510bhan to the name) to finish.

Liked how you achieved more showing than telling and made it seem effortless.  :D  :D :D

One small blip, hardly worth mentioning
good enough to put a stop to her sonís persecution.

Hope you will let us in on what happened to Billy, or will we have to wait to buy the book?

Offline Taias

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2012, 03:41:30 PM »
Well spotted, thank you. 



Taias
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Offline Justin D Hill

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #10 on: February 29, 2012, 06:51:46 AM »
Agree with Heidi, will it be in the book or will you leave it to the readers imagination?
Please check out my facebook page for updates and like if your interested:

http://www.facebook.com/ZodacciaInc.GraphicsDesigns

Offline Taias

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #11 on: February 29, 2012, 07:28:29 AM »
Interesting question - I had never thought of writing a book.  This excerpt has been sitting on my laptop for about a year...I think it may make a short story and see what happens from there.

Have a lovely day and thank you :)

Taias
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Sam Cooper

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Re: An excerpt of a short story 589 words
« Reply #12 on: February 29, 2012, 07:37:14 AM »
Hello, and welcome.

I won't critique your writing in this thread, but you have some room to tighten your imagery and actions. Your focus should be squarely on him running at the start as the school's mention does mislead, and not in a twisting sort of way. There are moments when you show but then you explain(tell) the actions. Show and Tell can both work in a story, but very rarely do they work together on the same image/action well.