Poll

Does this piece show the reader a place

is there strong enough image
0 (0%)
do the characters seem real
0 (0%)

Total Members Voted: 0

Author Topic: Station 9  (Read 2698 times)

Offline fire-fly

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Re: Station 9
« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2012, 08:52:34 PM »
Zac you have been given a fair amount of advice by the members from different angles.

510 pointed out the obvious grammar and spelling.

Sparky said there was too much word play, I took that to be the whole thing.

Drab sounds like he didn't understand it as a whole piece.

Cyd, the same.

Your poem needs to be re written to make it interesting and to pull the reader in.

A critter can't do a proper critique if they don't understand the piece.

I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Offline duck

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Re: Station 9
« Reply #16 on: February 22, 2012, 04:56:49 AM »
Hi Zach,
A couple of comments.
First, as pointed out, the spelling (plus punctuation) are wayward and suggest carelessness.
Secondly, you asked whether people were intrigued. If someone answers they found it boring, this is a fair answer to the very question you asked. To be be insulted by that is inconsistent.
You have set the piece as a deliberate puzzle rather than a poem and so, it is no surprise many people find it irritating, especially since any well constructed puzzle draws people in and allows them to actively participate with that puzzle, gives them the feeling they have a real chance to solve it - this, IMO, you do not do, it is willfully obscure in its imagery.
The images are imagination rather than recollection as you claim because you could not really have seen anything described here, the images being in the abstract. Nothing necessarily wrong with that. Besides, though you resist revison by claiming recollection, recollection can be can be rewritten.
Since the destination of the poem is obscure and appears relatively undramatic, the journey even in a conventional poem would be too long to get there, I would edit it to some essentials and as suggeted by fire-fly engage the reader on a more even playing field. (I just edited my wayward spelling and punctuation now too.)
Duck
« Last Edit: February 22, 2012, 05:28:50 AM by duck »

Offline Vienna

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Re: Station 9
« Reply #17 on: February 22, 2012, 05:21:21 AM »
not bored. found it too long and obscure.  Also instead of posting commentsd about the people that read and commented say "Thanks for taking the time to read and comment"


quote "Sorry you guys were soooooo bored by my piece.
Don't read it if your bored and especially do not comment unless you can do something intelligent or constructive on my writing piece.

Or just keep trashing my piece over and over.
That can be fun, I know. "


we don't need stuff like this, what are you going to do next?
Tell your mum we have been nasty to you?

and Duck is perfectly correct in his review of the piece.
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline fire-fly

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Re: Station 9
« Reply #18 on: February 22, 2012, 05:32:45 AM »
He has deleted his account guys.
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Offline Vienna

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Re: Station 9
« Reply #19 on: February 22, 2012, 05:37:58 AM »
oh dear, no need to do that. Another budding brilliant writer gone.........
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!