Author Topic: White L  (Read 764 times)

Offline Katinka

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White L
« on: February 19, 2012, 04:35:31 PM »
 :o
« Last Edit: February 21, 2012, 05:41:45 PM by Katinka »

Offline Invader-Boo

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Re: White Leopard part 2...738
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2012, 05:01:06 PM »
It's a very beautiful and well written piece. Warming.
Possibly a few tweaks on the opening form just to break the prose up from the dialogue a little more. But altogether a very inspiring segment of work

Offline Katinka

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Re: White Leopard part 2...738
« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2012, 05:41:37 PM »
Hi Invader-Boo

Welcome to MWC and thanks.
Did you read part one? Cause this is part two.  ;D Thanks so much for your comments. I will work on it till it's published. Glad you liked it.
Kat



 

Offline Invader-Boo

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Re: White Leopard part 2...738
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2012, 06:08:04 PM »
I haven't I'm afraid but I will search for the first part - it's a wonderful premise :)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: White Leopard part 2...738
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2012, 06:24:42 PM »
Some speech marks missing where the speaker is still telling his story to the woman.

         “Doesn’t seem like it’s been three days,” he said. The first day was the usual climb up the foothill on the sandy rocks, more dusty this time of year. The drought keeps hanging on. There’s no wildlife in that part, but up in the thicket there was plenty, a doe, then a buck with antlers the span of eight feet if any. I climbed on; saving him for my return, should I come up void on higher. It was a good climb and promised plenty by what I saw there.  
         
          “I had a feeling-a good feeling-something was waiting for me up above. I climbed until dark before I slept, hardly ate. Next morning I rose early to the sound of fear coming from a large animal up above the cave where I had spent the night. I hurried on in that direction, rifle cocked. The sound didn’t let up. I watched and crawled along on the ground, not wanting to be seen. It was a fearsome sound. Then I saw specks of white in the brush, shimmering among the sun-drenched leaves, a hundred feet ahead of me. I stopped. I tried to see more clearly, but couldn’t.”

          The old man’s weary face came alive with excitement at the thought of his discovery. The picture of her white fur, red with blood ran through his mind, stirring in him a feeling of—love--.

          “I moved on at snail's speed, moved to the right and suddenly, there I saw it! Woman, it was a majestic sight! The queen of mountain leopards...she was huge and white. Her blue eyes pierced my heart. She was in pain. Somewhere close was her lair. It was past time to feed her young, her hind leg fastened to a bear trap. I stood planted in the ground, I couldn’t move, my rifle cocked in my hands. I wondered what to do, when I heard twigs breaking behind me.
         
          “I turned and stood eye to eye with the great hunter of Snake Mountain. I thought he was a bear, an ugly man, I have never seen him up close before.

          “It’s mine,” he said calmly and tried to push by me. I wanted to stop him; touched his arm. He turned on me with lightning speed and twisted my hand, his eyes flashing. He was angry.

           "I said, “Not the white one, she is with young; her milk is oozing from her breast. Please, Sir, not now, let her young first be weaned.”

          “Get away, old man,” he snarled. I lifted my rifle to his chest and stood firm. “You would shoot me to save the beast?” he growled.

          [New paragraph] "I nodded my head, yes, I would. I don’t know what came over me I must be getting old. She was so grand...I thought of her cubs, I wanted them to live...I thought of her beauty, her perfect eyes. She was no quirk of nature, she was divinely fashioned in her whiteness-she was an easy mark.” He exhaled loudly almost moaning.

          The woman was silent. Her eyes glued to his mouth, she sat waiting.
  
          “The hunter knew I meant it, he backed off. “Undo the trap!” I said. He had only to loose the rope from a hundred feet away. He cursed me but obeyed. She hobbled off, red blood dripping from her leg. I faced him squarely. “Sir, give her time. I know you will hunt her again, but now, let her young live.” He shouldered his rifle and walked off without a word. I knew he had consented to wait." 
  
          “But where is your rifle?” The woman asked stubbornly.
  
          “Yes, my rifle... after the hunter left, I thought I would return home. I had lost my desire to climb higher. The buck was still at large below me in the trees and I would waylay him. I came on him grazing lazily beside the doe. Somehow, I knew they were a pair. Gun cocked, I was ready to shoot but veered just a little. When I saw the trusting doe nuzzle him, I couldn’t shoot!” He sighed and sank into himself, shoulders sagging.

          Her eyes shimmered with tears; her sun-browned hand reached toward him. He leaned toward her and looked full into her face. “Woman, I threw my rifle into the ravine--your hair--it looks nice today. Your eyes are very dark and very bright.” He stroked her firm brown arm and smiled.  

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Offline Katinka

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Re: White Leopard part 2...738
« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2012, 08:33:08 PM »
Invader-Boo

 I'm afraid but I will search for the first part -It's still on this page. ;D

Offline Katinka

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Re: White Leopard part 2...738
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2012, 08:35:43 PM »
Sio

This is tricky, The old man is relating his story to the woman and whithin his speech is the dialogue he has had with the hunter. I have to look at it again more carefully.

Thanks,
Kat


Offline 510bhan

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Re: White Leopard part 2...738
« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2012, 08:46:58 PM »
Sio

This is tricky, The old man is relating his story to the woman and whithin his speech is the dialogue he has had with the hunter. I have to look at it again more carefully.

Thanks,
Kat



Yup -- had me flummoxed when I first looked at it too. ;D

Anything which is narrative won't belong inside speechmarks, but I agree it's tricky to show it is his continuous spiel with the additional dialogue within. It does require separate paragraphing and that's what's compounding the problem . . . some of them look like they are the end of a piece of dialogue because the speech marks end there, though if you look they are still contained within the original speaker's framed dialogue [without speech marks at the end of the paragraph, to show the continuation], which has speech marks at the opening of each new paragraph.

 ??? ??? ??? ??? Would that mean a double set for when a new paragraph starts with the speaker's direct quotes of the old man? I don't think I've ever seen it before. :-\

  “I turned and stood eye to eye with the great hunter of Snake Mountain. I thought he was a bear, an ugly man, I have never seen him up close before.

          "“It’s mine,” he said calmly and tried to push by me. I wanted to stop him; touched his arm. He turned on me with lightning speed and twisted my hand, his eyes flashing. He was angry.

           "I said, “Not the white one, she is with young; her milk is oozing from her breast. Please, Sir, not now, let her young first be weaned.”

          "“Get away, old man,” he snarled. I lifted my rifle to his chest and stood firm. “You would shoot me to save the beast?” he growled.
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Offline Katinka

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Re: White Leopard part 2...738
« Reply #8 on: February 19, 2012, 08:57:55 PM »
Sio,

the way you put it is correct. Yet, I've never seen it written like that either. I'm going to try it and see if there are any opinions on it. Thanks  ;D

Kat


Offline Margarett

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Re: White Leopard part 2...738
« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2012, 01:39:17 AM »
Lovely, touching and tender.  (Just my humble opinion) :)
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline Katinka

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Re: White Leopard part 2...738
« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2012, 09:05:24 AM »
Thanks,  ;D