Author Topic: New Year, New Leaf  (Read 2402 times)

Offline Symphony

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New Year, New Leaf
« on: January 31, 2006, 11:04:59 AM »
I wrote this on New Year's Day after separating my children from yet another scrap! I wonder does it scan correctly? Does it work? I'd appreciate any comments. I'm already not happy with the repetition of 'thing' and 'thing', so working on that one ... Thank you.


“I’ve been so good, I haven’t whinged,
Or moaned about the slightest thing,
Or launched a tantrum, thrown a fit,
Or slammed a door or anything.
I haven’t kicked or bitten once,
Or stamped my foot or caused a fight;
I’ve been the perfect child all year –
That must be worth a fiver, right?”

“Yes, son. I must agree with you –
You’ve been a star this year, it’s true;
Not once have I had cause to shout,
Or call your dad to deal with you.
It’s great to see you at your best –
Instead of at your usual worst,
But hold the celebrations yet –
It’s only January 1st!”

Offline jono25

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Re: New Year, New Leaf
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2006, 11:42:02 AM »
Hi Symphony,

Nice one.  Quite amusing, and an unexpected twist at the end.  I enjoyed reading it. Feels quite real.  Sorry can't help much with the "thing" problem, perhaps something related to do with the word "ding"?

Offline mary

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Re: New Year, New Leaf
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2006, 12:16:03 PM »
Hi Symphony,

   Generally I love it!  About the thing thing - rhyming doesn't seem too important but how about spit to go with fit?
  For me as a reader it's a beautiful describer of kid behavior, as a poem it kind of fizzels out at the end. Nice though, really nice.  :) mary

Offline ChipTee

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Re: New Year, New Leaf
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2006, 12:21:56 PM »
Symphony - it's good and should be pinned up on many a child's noticeboard.
Does it scan, yes, but in the last line I think you have to read - ... jan/ua/ry the first.
I may be wrong, I don't have a musical ear and often lose the beat.
Like it, Chip

Offline Symphony

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Re: New Year, New Leaf
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2006, 12:35:42 PM »
Thank you. Some very useful thoughts there. I'll get to work on them ...

Symphony

Offline Mini

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Re: New Year, New Leaf
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2006, 02:26:47 PM »
Hi Symphony,

Love the poem.

I think maybe Chip is right January the first does feel better when reading out loud.

(I'm so glad that boys are just as good as girls!)

Mini

Offline Gltagaman

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Re: New Year, New Leaf
« Reply #6 on: February 01, 2006, 04:55:30 PM »
 ;D
Hi Symphony

While I am unqualified to comment profoundly about the construction of the poem as much petry that I see I don't like, this one I do. It sounds very much like my five year old grandaughter.

Keep them coming!

Geoff
Have Thinkpad will write