Author Topic: Zeus, The Changling with changes Word Count 1058  (Read 2270 times)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Zeus, The Changling with changes Word Count 1058
« Reply #15 on: February 18, 2012, 04:58:22 PM »
While watching from our parlor window we saw a police [word missing . . . car?] pull up to the front door.

"Rottweilers are well known for turning bad," the officer said.

That is what we are going to do," I vowed.

For speech tags, you end with a comma inside the closing speech marks before you credit the speaker of the dialogue.

straitened his tie ->>> straightened

The stone floor suddenly disappeared from under our feet and both he and I landed on our backsides unhurt, but deep inside an underground cave. ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) Really like this rework -- good job.  ;D Consider losing 'suddenly' . . . if the floor 'disappeared' [without any modifier] it's actually a stronger image and more of a surprise too. One of those 'less is more' situations.

it's glistening walls ->>> no apostrophe, it's= it is, just 'its' for posessive [rule breaker, I know]





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Offline Margarett

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Re: Zeus, The Changling with changes Word Count 1058
« Reply #16 on: February 18, 2012, 05:23:06 PM »
 ::) ;D Better? LOL I know that you do not know how much I enjoy writing and playing with words. But, let me give you a hint... I wish there were a puzzle game with billions of words to choose from. One that allowed (me) the player to assemble a sentence. And, if done incorrectly the game could explain why it was wrong so I could move on.

I would play this game day and night relentlessly until I could fill volumes with perfect sentences.



The Changeling Zeus
Word Count 1069
02/18/2012


The staircase groaned as Billy and I rushed toward the servants' hall. Without stopping to breathe, we dashed along the narrow passageway once used by staff to move throughout the manor unseen.

While busy slapping at the hundreds of dusty cobwebs clinging to my face and curls,  I failed to see the raised stone near the door and plopped head long out into the pouring rain. This was the shortest route to our dog,(Zeus) and the shed out back where we had put him up for the night.

"Maggie! You ok?" Billy hollered, above the thunder.

"Of course," I said, giving a wet swipe to my mud covered skirt as I stood.

Our torch beam was useless amid the flashes of lightning that were lacing across the sky. Raging winds quickly pushed us against the shed's wooden wall. We found the door but, Zeus was nowhere to be found.  We stood inside the empty shed listening to the fully fledged July thunderstorm crash all around us.

Billy’s round eyes grew even bigger when from far away Zeus gave another long agonizing howl. Then his baying was cut short in mid-cry.

"Where is he?" Billy asked.

"Well, how the heck would I know?" I snapped back, feeling an icy chill slip from my head to my toes. I only hoped this was caused by the soaking we had just received.




We fought our way back inside and up to our rooms without getting caught. However, our luck only lasted until the morning sun crept over the horizon and Nanna came to wake us.

When she saw the state of our discarded clothes and the mud covered bed linens, her face went livid. I thought she might have a heart attack right then and there.

“Nanna it was Zeus, he was crying like I never heard before.” I said, trying hard to explain what had happened last night and why everything was so muddy.

“Somebody stole him,” Billy chimed in.

“Shhhhhhsssssssssssh,” She said. Holding up her hands to halt our tale. “Wait for your Poppa. I am sure he will want to hear this.” Then she closed the double doors..

Moments later a maid came rushing in to; run our baths, lay out our clothes and strip both beds, muddy sheets in hand she left without saying a word.

We stood there staring at each for a few more seconds, then went to scrub away the muck that still covered us.

Smelling and looking cleaner we both attacked the scrambled eggs, crispy bacon and hot buttered biscuits.

Today Billy and I went outside by the normal back door.

When the shed's door creaked slowly open, a wild looking Zeus jumped out from the darkest corner and with a deeply horrifying growl, he ran out the door without a backwards glance.

A horrible smell that filled our nostrils and burned our eyes overcame us. We shut the door and gave chase after that creature who had only yesterday smothered our cheeks with huge wet dogie kisses.

The sun said it was mid-afternoon when we finished searching the nearby woods. We plodded back toward the house. Halfway there we saw a very familiar car sitting in the driveway. We both tore out as fast as we could go and blasted inside the huge front doors. “Poppa! Poppa!” We shouted in unison as we ran into his arms.

After giving us both a couple of quick squeezes, he stood up, straightened his tie and cleared his throat. Poppa wiggled his face into his most stern look. With a slight wink Poppa turned back to face his Mother. We stood quietly behind him, swallowing down the urge to giggle.

.........

“Good morning children,” said the thin woman with big red hair. “My name is Madeline O’Hara. You may call me Ms O’Hara. I am your new nanny. Follow my rules children and we will all get along just fine.”

While she continued, with her long list of rules, we sat silent and statue still.

We spent mornings doing our studies. But, we had our afternoons free because that was when Ms O’Hara took her nap.

The gardener informed us that he had seen Zeus digging up his vegetables and now he swore to put our lovable pet on a chain if he did it again. The next day the flower beds had big deep holes in several spots.

While watching from our parlor window we saw a police car pull up to the front door. We ran to the top of the main stairs and crouched there to listen to what was being said below.

The pudgy old policeman was quick to apologize while almost bowing to our Nanna, before continuing on with his reason for being there.

And, that was: That our sweet Zeus had been busy terrorizing the entire countryside and had killed several small animals.

"Rottweilers are well known for turning bad," the officer said.

Nanna and he talked for at least another hour before the officer took his leave.

Nanna picked up the phone and started dialing. We took off back to our rooms.


“What we gonna do?” Billy cried, once we got back to our rooms. “He’s gonna shoot him!”

“Now you just shut up that bawling and let me think!” I snapped while pacing back and forth. "We are going to prove that Zeus did not do any of those things. That is what we are going to do," I vowed.

I grabbed torch lights for each of us, along with fresh batteries then put on my boots and took hold of Billy’s hand. We went down those rickety steps once again.

We followed each branch of that musty hallway and went down every flight of stairs. Thinking we had finished searching below the huge old mansion and our torches were growing dim, Billy and I turned to retrace our path.  At the sound of rushing water nearby we both headed toward it.


Trying to uncover the source of that noise we both began to push open a heavy portal. The stone floor disappeared from under our feet and both he and I landed on our backsides unhurt, but deep inside an underground cave. Crystal clear water trickled from its glistening walls.

I figure we had walked at least a mile, before noticing an eerie mist had begun to settle around our feet and now a white glow completely hid the cavern's wet floor.

Without our torches the millions of tiny lights led our way. The longer we walked the brighter those small pin pricks of light grew or maybe our eyes had just become accustomed to their dim glow.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2012, 09:14:01 PM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Zeus, The Changling with changes Word Count 1058
« Reply #17 on: February 18, 2012, 05:38:31 PM »
This was the shortest route to our dog, Zeus, and the shed out back where we had put him up for the night. [you need parenthesis around a direct reference to a name]


Okay -- that's clean copy now, so here's a picky bit -- maybe just style difference, so feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with.

. . . he ran out the door without even a backwards glance. [does 'even' really add anything to the tone? These little modifiers, though we might use them in speech, can be redundant in written work -- ye olde 'less is more' spiel. Notice when I posed the question, I used 'really' (and italicised it for conversational emphasis), but would my question have lost its intended meaning without it?

Take a look at how often you use 'while'. (There is nothing grammatically wrong with them btw.) Could some sentences be rephrased so there aren't so many? They are making the sentence structure predictable and you ought to strive for variety and balance to keep your reader interested.
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Offline Margarett

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Re: Zeus, The Changling with changes Word Count 1058
« Reply #18 on: February 18, 2012, 09:06:47 PM »
Thank you, I will work more with this before reposting... But, I wanted to let you see what I finally searched out and found on-line... Duhhhhhhh I have been buying book after book to try and learn this and all the while it was totally free. Just for the searching!

http://www.chompchomp.com/menu.htm  Grammar Bytes! Instructions and exercises.
Recognizing sentence fragments, plus so much more.
« Last Edit: February 18, 2012, 09:11:21 PM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Zeus, The Changling with changes Word Count 1058
« Reply #19 on: February 18, 2012, 09:38:03 PM »
Yay -- and because you bothered to play here. ;D ;D ;D ;D  Ain't it a great place? :)

And remember there's always All the Write Questions if you have any queries. ;)

It's lovely to see such enthusiasm. :)
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Offline Margarett

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Re: Zeus, The Changling with changes Word Count 1058
« Reply #20 on: February 19, 2012, 12:49:09 AM »
Yep it is great.. It is onward and upward from now on and I plan to soar one day. Maybe not with the eagles but with my fingers hopefully.

LOL
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline Margarett

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Zeus The Changeling Pet 1474 words
« Reply #21 on: February 19, 2012, 11:31:52 AM »
I have an ending now. Not sure how it works just yet.. Please let me have your critique.


The Changeling Pet, Zeus
Word Count 1474.


The staircase groaned as Billy and I rushed toward the servants' hall. Without stopping to breathe, we dashed along the narrow passageway once used by staff to move throughout the manor unseen.

Slapping at hundreds of dusty cobwebs, I failed to see the raised stone near the door and plopped head long out into the pouring rain. This was the shortest route to our dog, Zeus, and the shed out back where we had put him up for the night.

"Maggie! You ok?" Billy hollered, above the thunder.

"Of course," I said, giving a wet swipe to my mud covered skirt as I stood.

Our torch beam was useless amid the flashes of lightning lacing across the sky. Raging winds quickly pushed us against the shed's wooden wall. We found the door but, Zeus was nowhere to be found.  We stood inside the empty shed listening to the fully fledged July thunderstorm crash all around us.

Billy’s round eyes grew even bigger when from far away Zeus gave another long agonizing howl. Then his baying was cut short in mid-cry.

"Where is he?" Billy asked.

"Well, how the heck would I know?" I snapped back. An icy chill raced from my head to my toes. I only hoped that feeling had been caused by the soaking we just received.

We fought our way back inside and up to our rooms without getting caught. However, our luck only lasted until the morning sun crept over the horizon and Nanna came to wake us.

When she saw the state of our discarded clothes and the mud covered bed linens, her face went livid. I thought she might have a heart attack right then and there.

“Nanna it was Zeus, he was crying like I never heard before.” I said, trying hard to explain what had happened last night and why everything was so muddy.

“Somebody stole him,” Billy chimed in.

“Shhhhhhsssssssssssh,” She said. Holding up her hands to halt our tale. “Wait for your Poppa. I am sure he will want to hear this.” Then she closed the double doors..

Moments later a maid came rushing in to; run our baths, lay out our clothes and strip both beds, muddy sheets in hand she left without saying a word.

We stood there staring at each for a few more seconds, then went to scrub away the muck that still covered us.

Smelling and looking cleaner as we attacked the scrambled eggs, crispy bacon and hot buttered biscuits.

Today Billy and I went outside by the normal back door.

When the shed's door creaked slowly open, a wild looking Zeus jumped out from the darkest corner and with a deeply horrifying growl, he ran out the door without a backwards glance.

A horrible smell that filled our nostrils and burned our eyes overcame us. We shut the door and gave chase after that creature who had only yesterday smothered our cheeks with huge wet dogie kisses.

The sun said it was mid-afternoon when we finished searching the nearby woods. We plodded back toward the house. Halfway there we saw a very familiar car sitting in the driveway. We both tore out as fast as we could go and blasted inside the huge front doors. “Poppa! Poppa!” We shouted in unison as we ran into his arms.

After giving us both a couple of quick squeezes, he stood up, straightened his tie and cleared his throat. Poppa wiggled his face into his most stern look. With a slight wink Poppa turned back to face his Mother. We stood quietly behind him, swallowing down the urge to giggle.

.........

“Good morning children,” said the thin woman with big red hair. “My name is Madeline O’Hara. You may call me Ms O’Hara. I am your new nanny. Follow my rules children and we will all get along just fine.”

While she continued, with her long list of rules, we sat silent and statue still.

We spent mornings doing our studies. But, we had our afternoons free because that was when Ms O’Hara took her nap.

The gardener informed us that he had seen Zeus digging up his vegetables and now he swore to put our lovable pet on a chain if he did it again. The next day the flower beds had big deep holes in several spots.

While watching from our parlor window we saw a police car pull up to the front door. We ran to the top of the main stairs and crouched there to listen to what was being said below.

The pudgy old policeman, almost bowing to our Nanna, was quick to apologize before continuing on with his reason for being there.

And, that was: That our sweet Zeus had been busy terrorizing the entire countryside and had killed several small animals.

"Rottweilers are well known for turning bad," the officer said.

Nanna and he talked for at least another hour before the officer took his leave.

Nanna picked up the phone and started dialing.

“What are we gonna do?” Billy cried, once we got back to our rooms. “He’s gonna shoot him!”

“Now you just shut up that bawling and let me think,” I snapped while pacing back and forth. "We are going to prove that Zeus did not do any of those things. That is what we are going to do," I vowed.

I grabbed torch lights for each of us, along with fresh batteries then put on my boots and took hold of Billy’s hand. We went down those rickety steps once again.

We followed each branch of that musty hallway and took every flight of stairs. Thinking that we had finished searching below the huge old mansion. Our torches grew dim.

Billy and I turned to retrace our path. At the sound of rushing water nearby we both headed toward it. Trying to uncover the source of that noise we both began to push open a heavy portal.

The stone floor disappeared from under our feet. Both, he and I landed on our backsides unhurt. We sat deep inside an underground cave. Crystal clear water trickled from its glistening walls.

I figure we had walked at least a mile, before noticing a mist had settled around our knees and an eerie white glow now hid the cavern's wet floor. Without our torches the millions of tiny lights led our way. The longer we walked the brighter those small pin pricks grew. The white glow now filled the cavern and was growing thicker.


The menacing cries of fighting animals mixed with a strange chanting flood throughout the cave.  This horrible noise was multiplied with the echo's exploding against the tunneled stone.

“Maggie it’s Zeus,” Billy shouted out before I could shusssssh him. The chanting stopped short.

Without thinking about the dangers, we ran through the white. Tumbling head over heels across the slick stones we landed up against a pile of stones about the size of our fists. The ricocheting sounds caused our stomachs to lurch.

Billy and I peeked over the rocks and saw that there were two dogs making those deadly sounds. The dog that was limping stopped and looked right at us. "Zeus," gushed from my lips.

The other one was the beast with red glowing eyes. And he had begun to circle our lovable pet looking to make his killing lunge.

We jumped up and watched as Zeus; lowered his head, lost his limp and with his every hair standing up on it’s end. He bared his teeth teeth with a deep guttural sound Zeus charged. His snarling mouth clamped shut and with a wild shake of his head he slammed the Rottweiler against the caves rock hard floor.

Billy and I jumped up and like arrows our aim was true.  Stone after stone rained down on the whimpering beast at Zeus’s feet.

“STOP!’ Boomed a loud voice. This clearly was an order. Billy and I paused with rocks in hand. While a Troll that was as round as he was tall waddled from the mist.


“Is he the king Troll?” Billy asked.

I whispered. “I think so”.

Zeus stood; King of the hill on a mound of fist sized stones and eye to eye he faced the Troll King without backing down.

“Take your pet and leave us be, ” said the one who wore a crown on his head. “Our Clan will trouble your lands no more.”  We dropped our rocks, rushed out to claim our hero and best friend.

Seconds later Billy, Zeus and I were inside the sun-filled shed behind our home.





« Last Edit: February 19, 2012, 02:32:01 PM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline squebble

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Re: Zeus The Changeling Pet 1474 words
« Reply #22 on: February 19, 2012, 02:04:29 PM »
Hello! I'm not a grammar bod, but I've spotted a couple of little typos etc that I have coloured red. Any bits I could make any suggestions for I've coloured blue. I am not a pro or anything...these are just tiny suggestions! :)


The staircase groaned as Billy and I rushed toward the servants' hall. Without stopping to breathe, we dashed along the narrow passageway once used by staff to move throughout the manor unseen.

Slapping at hundreds of dusty cobwebs, I failed to see the raised stone near the door and plopped (don't know if "plopped" sits right for me as a word to describe someone tripping and falling out. I love the word itself, though!) head long out into the pouring rain. This was the shortest route to our dog, Zeus, and the shed out back where we had put him up for the night.

"Maggie! You ok?" Billy hollered, above the thunder.

"Of course," I said, giving a wet swipe to my mud covered skirt as I stood.

Our torch beam was useless amid the flashes of lightning lacing across the sky. Raging winds quickly pushed us against the shed's wooden wall. We found the door but, (no need for comma here) Zeus was nowhere to be found.  We stood inside the empty shed listening to the fully fledged July thunderstorm crash all around us.

Billy’s round eyes grew even bigger when from far away Zeus gave another long agonizing howl. Then his baying was cut short in mid-cry.

"Where is he?" Billy asked.

"Well, how the heck would I know?" I snapped back. An icy chill raced from my head to my toes. I only hoped that feeling had been caused by the soaking we just received.

We fought our way back inside and up to our rooms without getting caught. However, our luck only lasted until the morning sun crept over the horizon and Nanna came to wake us.

When she saw the state of our discarded clothes and the mud covered bed linens, her face went livid. I thought she might have a heart attack right then and there.

“Nanna it was Zeus, he was crying like I never heard before.” (There's something about the punctuation of this sentence that makes the voice sound a bit flat in my head. Perhaps break it up with an exclamation mark?) I said, trying hard to explain what had happened last night and why everything was so muddy.

“Somebody stole him,” Billy chimed in.

“Shhhhhhsssssssssssh,” She said. Holding up her hands to halt our tale. “Wait for your Poppa. I am sure he will want to hear this.” Then she closed the double doors.. (doesn't need two full stops here)

Moments later a maid came rushing in to; (unnecessary semi-colon. Get rid altogether) run our baths, lay out our clothes and strip both beds, (Should be a full stop) muddy sheets in hand (need a comma here) she left without saying a word.

We stood there staring at each for a few more seconds, then went to scrub away the muck that still covered us.

Smelling and looking cleaner we both attacked the scrambled eggs, crispy bacon and hot buttered biscuits.

Today Billy and I went outside by the normal back door. Bit of a sudden change here! When is this in relation to the rest of it? Apologies if I missed something)

When the shed's door creaked slowly open, a wild looking Zeus jumped out from the darkest corner and with a deeply horrifying growl, he ran out the door without a backwards glance.

A horrible smell that filled our nostrils and burned our eyes overcame us. We shut the door and gave chase after that creature who had only yesterday smothered our cheeks with huge wet dogie (should be "doggie") kisses.

The sun said it was mid-afternoon when we finished searching the nearby woods. We plodded back toward the house. Halfway there we saw a very familiar car sitting in the driveway. We both tore out as fast as we could go and blasted inside the huge front doors. “Poppa! Poppa!” We (should be lower case w) shouted in unison as we ran into his arms.

After giving us both a couple of quick squeezes, he stood up, straightened his tie and cleared his throat. Poppa wiggled his face into his most stern look. With a slight wink Poppa turned back to face his Mother. We stood quietly behind him, swallowing down the urge to giggle.

.........

“Good morning children,” said the thin woman with big red hair. “My name is Madeline O’Hara. You may call me Ms O’Hara. I am your new nanny. Follow my rules children (I think "children" is unnecessary here. If you want to keep it, you need to punctuate it a bit differently) and we will all get along just fine.”

While she continued, with her long list of rules, we sat silent and statue still.

We spent mornings doing our studies. But, we had our afternoons free because that was when Ms O’Hara took her nap.

The gardener informed us that he had seen Zeus digging up his vegetables and now he swore to put our lovable pet on a chain if he did it again. The next day the flower beds had big deep holes in several spots.

While watching from our parlor window we saw a police car pull up to the front door. We ran to the top of the main stairs and crouched there to listen to what was being said below.

The pudgy old policeman was quick to apologize while almost bowing to our Nanna, before continuing on with his reason for being there.

And, that was: That our sweet Zeus had been busy terrorizing the entire countryside and had killed several small animals.

"Rottweilers are well known for turning bad," the officer said.

Nanna and he talked for at least another hour before the officer took his leave.

Nanna picked up the phone and started dialing. We took off back to our rooms. (Lots of telling in that bit there...and strange paragraphing. If it's recounting etc, keep it all in the same bit. Save new lines for bits that you want to emphasise.


“What we gonna do?” Billy cried, once we got back to our rooms. “He’s gonna shoot him!”

“Now you just shut up that bawling and let me think,” I snapped while pacing back and forth. "We are going to prove that Zeus did not do any of those things. That is what we are going to do," I vowed.

I grabbed torch lights for each of us, along with fresh batteries then put on my boots and took hold of Billy’s hand. We went down those rickety steps once again.

We followed each branch of that musty hallway and took every flight of stairs. Thinking we had finished searching below the huge old mansion as our torches grew dim, Billy and I turned to retrace our path.  At the sound of rushing water nearby we both headed toward it.

Trying to uncover the source of that noise we both began to push open a heavy portal. The stone floor disappeared from under our feet and both he and I landed on our backsides unhurt, but deep inside an underground cave. Crystal clear water trickled from its glistening walls.

I figure we had walked at least a mile, before noticing an eerie mist had settled around our feet and a white glow now hid the cavern's wet floor. Without our torches the millions of tiny lights led our way. The longer we walked the brighter those small pin pricks grew or maybe our eyes had just become accustomed to their dim glow. Whoa! What? This all happened SO fast in such a short space of time, when it's such an exciting thing! They've fallen into some sort of underground cave! And walked a mile! And it feels a bit too flat.)

Snarls of fighting animals exploded from deep within the mist along with a strange chanting. Without thinking about the dangers, we lunged deeper into the cloying mist, Zeus needed our help and by george we intended to get him home safely. Tumbling head over heels across the slick stones we landed against a pile of stones the size of our fists. The fierce cry from our pet made my stomach lurch.

“Maggie it’s Zeus,” Billy shouted out before I could shusssssh him. The chanting stopped short. We watched as the funny looking Trolls who had been doing the chanting ran to far side of the dogs and away from us.

Where we were kneeling it was easy to see that two nearly identical dogs were making those awful cries. One dog was limping but he stopped and looked right at us. Zeus gushed from my lips. The other dog with his red eyes begun to circle our big lovable pet  searching for that perfect killing lunge.

We jumped up and watched as Zeus; lowered his head, lost his limp and every hair stood up on it’s end. He bared his teeth teeth and charged. His snarling mouth clamped shut and slammed the other Rhottweiler caves rock hard floor.

Billy and I  jumped up and like arrows our aim was true. Stone after stone rained down on the whimpering beast at Zeus’s feet.

“STOP!’ Boomed  a loud voice. Clearly this was an order. Billy and I paused with rocks in hand. A Troll that was as round as he was tall waddled from the mist. He had a crown on his head.


“Is he the king Troll?” Billy asked.

“I think so,” I whispered.

Zeus stood on a mound of fist sized stones as King of the hill.  Eye to eye the two Kings did not back down.

“Take your pet and leave us be, ” said the Troll King. “Our Clan will trouble your lands no more.”

We dropped our rocks and rushed out to claim our hero and best friend. His sloppy wet doggy kisses once again covered our cheeks. 

A few moments later Billy and I noticed that the three of us were inside the sun-filled shed behind our home.




Hope my few bits of ideas were of help. Is this story aimed at quite young children? Because the adventure itself - trolls, caverns, fighting, kings etc - all unfolds SO quickly in a way that tells me that perhaps it's for younger children with shorter attention spans, a bit like a fairy tale? If this is but one adventure in the novel and the book itself takes the shape whereby Zeus always gets into scrapes from which Billy and Maggie rescue him, then it sort of sits better...but on its own, it's a little bit what I call "sandwich sentence". That's my stupid name for when something really exciting happens and it is told like it's eating a sandwich: "and then a bomb exploded but it was ok as nobody was hurt, and then I ate a ham sandwich". Not for a MOMENT implying that yours is anything like that...I'm just giving an example! It's just that the denoument of the action, with the trolls, kings etc, unfolds very quickly and they're back in the real world, bam.

That said, I'm new to this board so you may well have explained the intended tone, audience etc and it probably fits perfectly with that! I love love love the idea, though. And Zeus sounds like a scamp!

Offline Margarett

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Re: Zeus The Changeling Pet 1474 words
« Reply #23 on: February 19, 2012, 02:46:04 PM »
Hello and welcome aboard. Thank you so very much squebble. I will work on these things. It is for children up to age 12. (At least hopefully it is, one day.)  The explosion is meant for the unanimous intake of oxygen.
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline squebble

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Re: Zeus The Changeling Pet 1474 words
« Reply #24 on: February 19, 2012, 02:50:15 PM »
Absolutely no worries. I like it as a story for younger children, so I think it hits the mark there. I wonder about it being a short, stand-alone story, though. As a one-off, it doesn't feel developed enough. I wonder who the governess-type nanny is; I wonder where Zeus has come from; I want to know more about Poppa. To me, this idea seems like it would fit perfectly into an episodic longer novel, whereby characters are developed throughout as an ongoing thread (Ms O Hara, Poppa, Billy and Maggie etc) but this development is punctuated by a variety of different escapades that Zeus drags Billy and Maggie on.

As a short, there are just too many questions left unanswered for me. But then, that might just be me! :)

And thank you for the kind welcome. :)

Offline Margarett

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Re: Zeus, The Changling with changes Word Count 1058
« Reply #25 on: February 20, 2012, 01:51:02 AM »
I am so sorry about putting this in a new post. Now it is put where it belongs.

I have an ending now. Not sure how it works just yet.. Please let me have your critique.


The Changeling Pet, Zeus
Word Count 1474.


The staircase groaned as Billy and I rushed toward the servants' hall. Without stopping to breathe, we dashed along the narrow passageway once used by staff to move throughout the manor unseen.

Slapping at hundreds of dusty cobwebs, I failed to see the raised stone near the door and plopped head long out into the pouring rain. This was the shortest route to our dog, Zeus, and the shed out back where we had put him up for the night.

"Maggie! You ok?" Billy hollered, above the thunder.

"Of course," I said, giving a wet swipe to my mud covered skirt as I stood.

Our torch beam was useless amid the flashes of lightning lacing across the sky. Raging winds quickly pushed us against the shed's wooden wall. We found the door but, Zeus was nowhere to be found.  We stood inside the empty shed listening to the fully fledged July thunderstorm crash all around us.

Billy’s round eyes grew even bigger when from far away Zeus gave another long agonizing howl. Then his baying was cut short in mid-cry.

"Where is he?" Billy asked.

"Well, how the heck would I know?" I snapped back. An icy chill raced from my head to my toes. I only hoped that feeling had been caused by the soaking we just received.

We fought our way back inside and up to our rooms without getting caught. However, our luck only lasted until the morning sun crept over the horizon and Nanna came to wake us.

When she saw the state of our discarded clothes and the mud covered bed linens, her face went livid. I thought she might have a heart attack right then and there.

“Nanna it was Zeus, he was crying like I never heard before.” I said, trying hard to explain what had happened last night and why everything was so muddy.

“Somebody stole him,” Billy chimed in.

“Shhhhhhsssssssssssh,” She said. Holding up her hands to halt our tale. “Wait for your Poppa. I am sure he will want to hear this.” Then she closed the double doors..

Moments later a maid came rushing in to; run our baths, lay out our clothes and strip both beds, muddy sheets in hand she left without saying a word.

We stood there staring at each for a few more seconds, then went to scrub away the muck that still covered us.

Smelling and looking cleaner as we attacked the scrambled eggs, crispy bacon and hot buttered biscuits.

Today Billy and I went outside by the normal back door.

When the shed's door creaked slowly open, a wild looking Zeus jumped out from the darkest corner and with a deeply horrifying growl, he ran out the door without a backwards glance.

A horrible smell that filled our nostrils and burned our eyes overcame us. We shut the door and gave chase after that creature who had only yesterday smothered our cheeks with huge wet dogie kisses.

The sun said it was mid-afternoon when we finished searching the nearby woods. We plodded back toward the house. Halfway there we saw a very familiar car sitting in the driveway. We both tore out as fast as we could go and blasted inside the huge front doors. “Poppa! Poppa!” We shouted in unison as we ran into his arms.

After giving us both a couple of quick squeezes, he stood up, straightened his tie and cleared his throat. Poppa wiggled his face into his most stern look. With a slight wink Poppa turned back to face his Mother. We stood quietly behind him, swallowing down the urge to giggle.

.........

“Good morning children,” said the thin woman with big red hair. “My name is Madeline O’Hara. You may call me Ms O’Hara. I am your new nanny. Follow my rules children and we will all get along just fine.”

While she continued, with her long list of rules, we sat silent and statue still.

We spent mornings doing our studies. But, we had our afternoons free because that was when Ms O’Hara took her nap.

The gardener informed us that he had seen Zeus digging up his vegetables and now he swore to put our lovable pet on a chain if he did it again. The next day the flower beds had big deep holes in several spots.

While watching from our parlor window we saw a police car pull up to the front door. We ran to the top of the main stairs and crouched there to listen to what was being said below.

The pudgy old policeman, almost bowing to our Nanna, was quick to apologize before continuing on with his reason for being there.

And, that was: That our sweet Zeus had been busy terrorizing the entire countryside and had killed several small animals.

"Rottweilers are well known for turning bad," the officer said.

Nanna and he talked for at least another hour before the officer took his leave.

Nanna picked up the phone and started dialing.

“What are we gonna do?” Billy cried, once we got back to our rooms. “He’s gonna shoot him!”

“Now you just shut up that bawling and let me think,” I snapped while pacing back and forth. "We are going to prove that Zeus did not do any of those things. That is what we are going to do," I vowed.

I grabbed torch lights for each of us, along with fresh batteries then put on my boots and took hold of Billy’s hand. We went down those rickety steps once again.

We followed each branch of that musty hallway and took every flight of stairs. Thinking that we had finished searching below the huge old mansion. Our torches grew dim.

Billy and I turned to retrace our path. At the sound of rushing water nearby we both headed toward it. Trying to uncover the source of that noise we both began to push open a heavy portal.

The stone floor disappeared from under our feet. Both, he and I landed on our backsides unhurt. We sat deep inside an underground cave. Crystal clear water trickled from its glistening walls.

I figure we had walked at least a mile, before noticing a mist had settled around our knees and an eerie white glow now hid the cavern's wet floor. Without our torches the millions of tiny lights led our way. The longer we walked the brighter those small pin pricks grew. The white glow now filled the cavern and was growing thicker.


The menacing cries of fighting animals mixed with a strange chanting flood throughout the cave.  This horrible noise was multiplied with the echo's exploding against the tunneled stone.

“Maggie it’s Zeus,” Billy shouted out before I could shusssssh him. The chanting stopped short.

Without thinking about the dangers, we ran through the white. Tumbling head over heels across the slick stones we landed up against a pile of stones about the size of our fists. The ricocheting sounds caused our stomachs to lurch.

Billy and I peeked over the rocks and saw that there were two dogs making those deadly sounds. The dog that was limping stopped and looked right at us. "Zeus," gushed from my lips.

The other one was the beast with red glowing eyes. And he had begun to circle our lovable pet looking to make his killing lunge.

We jumped up and watched as Zeus; lowered his head, lost his limp and with his every hair standing up on it’s end. He bared his teeth teeth with a deep guttural sound Zeus charged. His snarling mouth clamped shut and with a wild shake of his head he slammed the Rottweiler against the caves rock hard floor.

Billy and I jumped up and like arrows our aim was true.  Stone after stone rained down on the whimpering beast at Zeus’s feet.

“STOP!’ Boomed a loud voice. This clearly was an order. Billy and I paused with rocks in hand. While a Troll that was as round as he was tall waddled from the mist.


“Is he the king Troll?” Billy asked.

I whispered. “I think so”.

Zeus stood; King of the hill on a mound of fist sized stones and eye to eye he faced the Troll King without backing down.

“Take your pet and leave us be, ” said the one who wore a crown on his head. “Our Clan will trouble your lands no more.”  We dropped our rocks, rushed out to claim our hero and best friend.

Seconds later Billy, Zeus and I were inside the sun-filled shed behind our home.



Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline Margarett

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Re: Zeus The Changeling Pet 1474 words (Moderator please move this)
« Reply #26 on: February 20, 2012, 02:14:10 AM »
Moderator please move this to the topic below

Zeus, The Changling with changes Word Count 1058 « 1 2 »
« Last Edit: February 20, 2012, 02:18:36 AM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline Margarett

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Re: Zeus, The Changling with changes Word Count 1058
« Reply #27 on: February 20, 2012, 09:47:12 AM »
Did I murder it? Please chime in!

The Changeling Zeus
Word Count 949
02/20/2012



The hidden staircase groaned as Billy and I rushed toward the dark servants' hall below. Without stopping to breathe, we dashed along the narrow passageway once used by staff to move throughout the manor unseen. Slapping at the hundreds of dusty cobwebs, I failed to see a raised stone near the door and flopped face first into the ankle deep mud and pouring rain. This was the shortest route to our dog, Zeus, and the shed out back where we had put him up for the night.

"Maggie! You ok?" Billy bellowed, above the thunder.

"Of course," I said, giving a quick wet swipe to my ruined skirt as I stood.

Our flashlights were useless amid the flashes of lightning lacing across the sky. Raging winds plastered us against the shed's wooden wall. We found the door but Zeus was nowhere to be found. We stood dripping with mud inside the empty shed listening to the fully fledged July thunderstorm crash all around us. Billy’s round eyes grew even bigger when from far away Zeus gave another long agonizing howl. Then his baying was cut short in mid-cry. "Where is he?" Billy asked.

"Well, how the heck would I know?" I snapped back. An icy chill raced from my head to my toes. I only hoped that feeling had been caused by the soaking we just received. We fought our way back through blowing sheets of rain. Once inside we crept up to our rooms without getting caught. However, our luck only lasted until the morning sun crept over the horizon and Nanna came to wake us.

When she saw the state of our discarded clothes and the mud covered bed linens, her face went livid. I thought she might have a heart attack right then and there. “Nanna it was Zeus, he was crying like I never heard before!” I pleaded, trying hard to explain what had happened last night and why everything was so muddy.

“Somebody stole him,” Billy chimed in.

“Shhhhhhsssssssssssh,” She said. Holding up her hands to halt our tale. “Wait for your Poppa. I am sure he will want to hear this.” Then she closed the double doors.

Moments later a maid came rushing in ran our baths, lay out our clothes and striped both beds. Muddy sheets in hand, she left without saying a word. We stood there staring at each for a few more seconds, then went to scrub away the muck that still covered us.

Smelling and looking cleaner we attacked the scrambled eggs, crispy bacon and hot buttered biscuits.

Today, unlike last night, Billy and I went outside by the normal back door. When the shed's door creaked slowly open, a wild red eyed Zeus jumped out from the darkest corner and with a deep horrifying growl, he ran out the door without a backwards glance.

A horrible smell that filled our nostrils and burned our eyes overcame us. We shut the door and gave chase after that creature who had only yesterday smothered our cheeks with huge wet doggy kisses.

We had ran maybe a thousand feet when the ground disappeared from under our feet. Both he and I landed on our backsides unhurt. A fog spun all around us forming an eerie glow. We crept blindly forward through the mist. With one hand always in contact with damp stone.

Menacing snarls mixed with a loud chanting noise echoed from ahead. Without a though to the dangers ahead we tore off running as fast as our legs could go.  After only for few yards we landed spread eagle behind a pile of stones the size of our fists.

Crawling up on our knees to peek over those stones. The scene unfolding before  us caused our stomachs to lurch. 

“Maggie it’s Zeus,” Billy shouted, before I could shusssssh him.

“Zeus,” gushed from my lips as I saw that there were two Rottweilers making those deadly sounds. One big dog was limping. This one stopped and looked right at us. The other one  had red glowing eyes. It was this dog that had begun to circle. The beast was ready to make his killing lunge.

The chanting noise stopped as Billy and I jumped to our feet. Zeus lowered his head, lost his limp and with his every hair standing up on end. His lips peeled way back.  In this killing stance Zeus charged, teeth plunged deep.  His jaws locked shut on the throat of the beast. With a wild shake of his head he slammed the changeling Rottweiler against the tunneled stone surface again and again. Before throwing the weightless thing one final time to the floor.

Billy and I lifted our arms and like arrows our aim was true. As rock after rock rained down on beast at Zeus’s feet.

“STOP!’ Boomed a loud voice. This clearly was an order. Billy and I paused with rocks in hand. While a Troll that was as round as he was tall waddled from the mist.


“Is he the king Troll?” Billy asked.

I whispered. “I think so”.

Zeus stood King of the hill, on a mound built with fist sized stones. Eye to eye he faced the Troll King and did not back down.

“Take your pet and leave us be, ” said the One who wore a crown. “Our Clan will trouble your lands no more.” 

We dropped our rocks, rushed out to claim our hero and best friend. Only seconds later Billy, Zeus and I realized that we were once again inside the sun-filled shed behind our home.



« Last Edit: February 20, 2012, 10:04:34 AM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline Margarett

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Re: Zeus, The Changling with changes Word Count 1058
« Reply #28 on: February 24, 2012, 04:16:06 AM »
Just making sure I have everything up to this point in my home files.  Thanks everyone for your help so far. I hope to return a favor someday.  Now I got to get back to my class' lessons. Nite nite!
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline Margarett

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Re: Zeus, and The Changling Word Count 1500 Revised
« Reply #29 on: March 08, 2012, 11:31:05 PM »
Here is what Zeus morphed into. All help appreciated

Word Count 1500
03/08/2012

                                 ZEUS AND THE CHANGELING

   The rickety old staircase groaned as Billy and I ran toward the servants' dark hallway below. Without stopping to breathe, we dashed along that secreted passage once used by staff to move throughout the manor unseen. This was the shortest route to our dog,(Zeus,) and the shed out back where we had put him up for the night. While slapping at the hundreds of dusty cobwebs that clung to my face and curls, I failed to see a raised stone near the door and dove head first out into the pouring rain.

   "Maggie! You okay?" Billy hollered, above the thunder.

   "Of course," I said, giving a wet swipe to my muddied skirt as I stood.

   Lightning laced the mid-night sky. Strong winds pushed us against the shed's wooden wall. Zeus was gone. Inside an empty shed we stood listening to a fully fledged July thunderstorm crash all around us. Billy’s round eyes grew bigger when from somewhere Zeus gave another long agonizing howl and then another one that was cut short mid-cry.

   "Where is he?" Billy asked.

   "Well, how the heck would I know?" I snapped, as an icy chill crept from my head to my toes. I only hoped this feeling had been caused by the soaking we had just received. We fought our way back inside and up to our rooms without getting caught.

   However, our luck only lasted until the morning sun crept over the horizon. Nanna came to wake us, saw the state of our bed-chambers, I thought she might have a heart attack right then and there. “Nanna it was Zeus, he was crying like I never heard before,” I said, pleading our case for leniency

   “Somebody stole him,” Billy chimed in.

   “Shhhhhhsssssssssssh,” She said. Holding up her hands to halt our tale. “Wait for your Poppa. I am sure he will want to hear this. ” Then she closed the double doors.

   Moments later a maid came in to run our baths, lay out our clothes and strip both beds.  Muddy sheets in hand she left without a word. We stood staring at each for a few more seconds, then went to scrub away the muck that still covered us.

   Both smelling and looking cleaner we attacked the plates of scrambled eggs, crispy bacon and hot buttered biscuits. Today, Billy and I went outside by the normal back door to check on Zeus.
   
   When the shed's door creaked slowly open, a wild looking Zeus jumped out from the darkest corner and with a menacing growl, he ran out the door without a backwards glance. Overcome by a horrible smell we shut the door and gave chase after that creature who had only yesterday smothered our cheeks with huge wet dogie kisses.

   The sun said it was mid-afternoon when we finished searching the woods and headed back to the house. Halfway there we saw a very familiar car sitting in the driveway and tore out as fast as we could go. We blasted inside the huge front doors. “Poppa! Poppa!” we shouted in unison and ran into his arms.

   After giving us both a couple of quick squeezes, he stood up and  straightened his tie. He cleared his throat. Then Poppa wiggled his face into his most stern look. With a slight wink Poppa turned back to face his Mother. We stood quietly behind him, swallowing down the urge to giggle. We soon learned that Zeus was in trouble too.

   The gardener had informed Nanna that he had seen Zeus digging up his vegetables and now he swore to put our lovable pet on a chain if he did it again.
 
   Grounded and ordered to stay inside for our midnight trek out into the raging thunderstorm. We sat watching the world go by outside our parlor window. When a police car pulled up at the front door. We ran to the top of the main staircase and crouched down too listen to what was being said below.
   
   The pudgy old policeman was quick to apologize while almost bowing to our Nanna, before continuing on with his reason for being there. And, that was: That our sweet Zeus had been busy terrorizing the entire countryside and had killed several small animals. "Rottweilers are well known for turning bad," the officer said. Nanna and he talked for at least another hour before the officer took his leave. Nanna picked up the phone and started to dial. We took off back to our rooms.
   
   “What we gonna do?” Billy cried,  “He’s gonna shoot him!”
   
   “Now you just shut up that bawling and let me think,” I said, pacing back and forth. I grabbed flashlights for each of us, along with fresh batteries then put on my boots. “Come on,” I said. I  took hold of Billy’s hand and we went down those rickety steps once again."We are going to prove that Zeus did not do any of those things. That is what we are going to do," I said.

   We followed each branch of that musty hallway, went up and down every flight of rickety stairs. Thinking we had finished searching everywhere possible below the huge old mansion, Billy and I turned to retrace our path.

   At the sound of rushing water nearby we both headed toward it. Trying to uncover the source of that noise we both began to push at a previously unseen heavy portal. The floor disappeared from under our feet. We landed on our backsides unhurt, but deep inside a tunneled part of the underground railroad. Its' walls were littered with tiny specks of light. Crystal clear water trickled from the walls.
   
   I figure we had walked at least a mile, before noticing that an eerie mist had begun to settle around our feet and now a white glow completely hid the cavern's wet floor. Without our flashlights we were led only by the specks of light. The longer we walked the brighter those small pin pricks grew or maybe our eyes had just become accustomed to the dimness.  We crept forward in the eerie glowing mist with one hand always in contact with the tunneled walls.
   
   Vicious snarls, yelps and menacing growls mixed with a weird chanting noise filed through the cavern. The horrifying sounds were soon multiplied by their ricocheting echoes. 

   “It's Zeus,” Billy said.
 
   He and I took off running as fast as our legs would go. After only a few hundred yards we stumbled on loose gravel and landed spread eagle behind a pile of fist sized stones. Rising up on our knees, we peeked over the rocks and the scene unfolding before our eyes made my my stomach lurch.
   
   A dozen Trolls danced  in a circle around twin Rottweilers locked in a bloody battle. The chanting noise stopped, all eyes turned and looked strait at us. The cave suddenly became deathly quiet as both dogs snapped to attention.
   
   One of the two dogs quickly lowered his head way down, and with his every hair standing up on end, he bared his teeth then charged.  His teeth plunged deeply, jaws locked down tight on the throat of the huge beast. With a wild shake of his head he slammed the beastly changeling against the tunneled stone surface again and again. Before throwing the seemingly weightless thing one final time to the stone at his feet. He glanced over at us.
   
   “Zeus,” Billy and I  said, in unison and with the only weapons we had, we took aim and rock after rock rained down on the Trolls. He took his killing stance once again. Zeus mowed into the crowd of cowering Trolls. Overtaking one after the other then tossing them aside to land in a lifeless heap.

   “STOP!’ roared a loud voice.

   Billy and I paused with rocks in hand. While a Troll that was as round as he was tall waddled from deep within the mist. The remaining trolls ran to cower behind this late comer. There was no fear in this ones' eyes. Dressed in royal purple garments. A long flowing cape. A golden crown sat on his head.
   
   “Is he the king Troll?” Billy asked.

   I whispered. “I think so,” and once again I felt the rush of goosebumps chase across my skin.
   Zeus stood as King of the hill, on a mound built with fist sized stones. His slow determined movement kept himself between us and the trolls.
Eye to eye he faced the Troll King and did not back from a  killing stance or stop his menacing snarls.

   “Take your pets and leave us be,--” The One' who wore a crown bowed toward our dog Zeus. “-- my clan will trouble your lands no more,”  the Troll King said.
   
   We dropped our rocks and rushed out to claim our hero and best friend. Zeus limped from the cave and led us along to the rivers edge. Billy, Zeus and I  made our way back home to face the music.
« Last Edit: March 09, 2012, 07:23:04 AM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "