Author Topic: whining boy  (Read 645 times)

Offline AzureDumpling

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whining boy
« on: February 17, 2012, 10:56:10 AM »
What a crazy person I must be to defy
when compliance is clearly my duty.
Face the facts and survive and don't ever ask why
focus less on your passion than beauty.

There is nothing within the struggle without
because hard work breeds only profit.
You push your suggestions with rudeness and shout
what you want so that one day you'll have it

There is no space in here for the mutinous weak
there are only the loopholes of living.
Dare you speak out against it with forbidden cheek
then before long you'll find yourself giving.

There is no room in here for the one and the only,
how selfish you are to suggest that!
Don't forget your initial purpose and priority
you malevolent, insolent brat!

Raise a pack of your offspring, take a good-natured wife,
but first find a way to feed all of them.
To do that you'll start now with devotion and strife,
or you'll spiral to failure and mayhem.

Now one poses and asks with the greatest respect,
a question of utmost sincerity.
Why should one step on heads of the any and others
to "succeed" in this vast multiplicity?

The answer is simple and silly and crass
so now you shall hear it and snicker.
You should always agree with majority mass,
but rise slowly through conflict and bicker.



Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: whining boy
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2012, 12:22:54 PM »
I like this Azure
you say some interesting things in the restrictiveness of rhyming format. Not easy.
Perhaps here and there the lines strain grammatically to meet a rhyme
but overall I found it food for thought.

Best

sparky

Offline 510bhan

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Re: whining boy
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2012, 12:31:39 PM »
The rhythm carries this well, only a couple of bumps  ;) ;) ;) ;)
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Offline AzureDumpling

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Re: whining boy
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2012, 01:46:48 PM »
I like this Azure
you say some interesting things in the restrictiveness of rhyming format. Not easy.
Perhaps here and there the lines strain grammatically to meet a rhyme
but overall I found it food for thought.

Best

sparky


Yay!! I was reading your direct comments to other writers over the past year today and had begun to fear your disapproval, but thanks, its been helpful.

Offline AzureDumpling

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Re: whining boy
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2012, 01:47:28 PM »
The rhythm carries this well, only a couple of bumps  ;) ;) ;) ;)

thanks, those bumps bother me too, but im... lazy :(

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: whining boy
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2012, 01:52:15 PM »
Hi Azure

don't fear disapproval from the seasoned writers.  Fear the pat on the back from the mediocre.
Shun the gush and guff.  While all have a voice and an opinion, weigh the reviewer
as well as the review.  Embrace a critique that suggests improvement even when you
feel misunderstood and aggrieved, there will be something you can learn there.

Take the knocks and learn

Sparky





Offline Katinka

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Re: whining boy
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2012, 06:53:11 PM »
Oh yeah. ;D

Offline AzureDumpling

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Re: whining boy
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2012, 10:27:28 PM »
Hi Azure

don't fear disapproval from the seasoned writers.  Fear the pat on the back from the mediocre.
Shun the gush and guff.  While all have a voice and an opinion, weigh the reviewer
as well as the review.  Embrace a critique that suggests improvement even when you
feel misunderstood and aggrieved, there will be something you can learn there.

Take the knocks and learn

Sparky


thanks sparky :)