Author Topic: Davis Conover, Money-Hoover--SS--adult language  (Read 546 times)

Offline Mike Stevens

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Davis Conover, Money-Hoover--SS--adult language
« on: February 17, 2012, 10:01:44 AM »
                               Davis Conover, Money-Hoover
                                        By Mike Stevens

     Davis Conover looked up into the eyes of his latest mark, the widow Jane Frump.  In her eyes, he saw desperation.  He had scanned the obituaries in the paper, and had contacted each widow, saying for a small fee, he’d contact their dearly-departed.  Every one of them had slammed the phone down on him, except Mrs. Jane Frump.  She’d wanted to hear more, so Davis obliged her; telling her he, for whatever reason, had a direct pipeline to the land beyond the grave.  Seeing is believing, he thought.  He gazed at her face, a face filled with true belief.  How pathetic!


     “Mrs. Frump, I have to be in complete darkness, so as to contact the deceased love one; then I’m sure I can contact your Harold.”
     At the mention of her husband’s name, Mrs. Frump got an excited look on her face, and replied, “Oh, I would really like to talk to my Harold again; do you really think you can?”
      Perfect; she was firmly hooked, all Davis would have to do is reel her in.  “Yes, Mrs. Frump, I can guaranty you’ll soon be hearing from him, but everything needs to be perfect, and that means quiet, and dark.”
    She answered, “Sure, Mr Conover.”


     "Okay, Mrs. Frump, if you’ll just turn out the lights and concentrate very hard, I’ll contact your Harold.”  She walked to the wall and turned off the lights.  Immediately, the room was plunged into darkness.  Her voice came to him from out of the  black.  
     “Oh, I didn’t expect it to be so dark!  If you’ll just start talking, I’ll follow the sound of your voice back to the table.”  
     “Well, Mrs. Frump, how about if I start trying to contact him?”
     “Fine, I can’t wait!”
     Great, he’d just spout some bulls**t for a few minutes, then head home and do some online shopping, with her credit card!  “Calling to the spirit world; I’m looking for Harold Frump; if you’re there, give us some kind of a sign!”  He took a quarter from his pocket, and flipped it towards where he thought the far wall was.  It rattled around before coming to rest on the floor.  Mrs. Frump gave a surprised gasp, and exclaimed,
     “Harold, is that you, are you there?”
     “Mrs. Frump, you won’t be able to hear him, but I can, and I’ll relay his answers.”
    “Oh, okay, I wish I could hear him, but okay.”
     “What would you like to ask him?”
     “Ask him if he’s comfortable?”
     “Are you comfortable, Harold?  He says if it’s really you, he needs your credit card number.”
      “Really, he said that?”
     “Yes, he was quite adamant,” Davis replied, and gathered all his concentration so he could memorize the number as she read it out.  He’d always had the ability to remember numbers, and now it would pay off.
     "Well, if Harold’s adamant, I have it memorized because I use it quite a bit, so here it is: it’s...” and she ticked off a series of numbers, which he relayed to the darkness.  It was a good thing she'd memorized it, because, truth-be-told, he hadn't even thought of that; this being a con man was tougher than he'd thought.
     “Harold says that’s it, and he’s doing great, other than the dead thing.”
     Suddenly, from the darkness, a voice said, “My beloved Jane; I’m not supposed to be able to see or hear you, but our love was so strong, it must have overridden that.  It’s so wonderful to see you, and hear your voice again!”
     A completely shocked Davis Conover thought wildly, What?  It really worked?  I can’t believe this! and he promptly passed out.


     Detective Larry Mars clicked on his flashlight, and stepped to the table where an unconscious Davis Conover lay face-down on the table.  “I told you, Mrs. Frump, a con artist.”
     “Yes, you were right to set up this sting, Detective.  Thank you so much!”
    

     Davis Conover awoke to his 100th day behind bars.  Only 265 days, and 14 YEARS to go!

                                                     The End

          
« Last Edit: February 17, 2012, 02:41:42 PM by Mike Stevens »

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Davis Conover, Money-Hoover--SS--adult language
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2012, 12:24:20 PM »
Hi Mike. First, I like this and the ending is a real smile maker.

But it would make it easier to read if you left some white space between the paragraphs. Many of us have a problem reading a block of text on the monitor. If you wish to correct this you can click Modify in the upper right hand corner of your post, make the corrections and then click Save below the text box.

The one place that jarred for me was when she was reading the credit card number aloud in a totally dark room.

Alice
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Re: Davis Conover, Money-Hoover--SS--adult language
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2012, 02:21:51 PM »
Great little story - a gem

Not so sure about these lines
So here he was, sitting at her dining room table, ‘conversing’ with the deceased.  Look at her, with a face filled with true belief.  How pathetic!

This doesn't seem to be in the point of view of the character.  The story is being told through the eyes of the character and then suddenly it's through the eyes of the author.  

I would write

Seeing was believing, he thought. He gazed at her face, filled with true belief. How pathetic!

Here you aren't telling so much and you are in the head of the character and this is not YOUR POV. the italics are his inner thoughts and yours any more.

Hope this helps

Lin x

Offline wanderer

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Re: Davis Conover, Money-Hoover--SS--adult language
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2012, 03:35:57 PM »
Looking at the piece from a "high" level, it catches your attention and makes for a compelling read. Good ending  ;)
LAter, Bill
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Lin

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Re: Davis Conover, Money-Hoover--SS--adult language
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2012, 04:12:28 PM »
Don't forget to use your spell checker!

Lin x