Author Topic: The Disputed Lands  (Read 656 times)

Offline Kyandra

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The Disputed Lands
« on: February 16, 2012, 01:13:44 PM »
He had the strength and courage of a Knight who had fought and survived the most treacherous battles. He was a man who prided himself in having the safest and most protected keep in the territory. His family estate having been passed down from generation to generation, looming above a lush thick forest filled with wild game, no expense had been spared into making the keep a military stronghold. Surrounding the keep was a massive stone wall, twice the height of a mounted man on a war horse. Encased in the protective barrier of the outer boundary, the keep widely known as Shadowthorne, stood a massive four stories high, with thick stone walls complete with blunt corner turrets, three hundred and sixty five rooms along and a formidable dungeon.


His Knights and people of the keep were fiercely loyal and devoted to their lord. Many had come to him offering their sword, pledging their honour to protect their lord, his lands and those who lived and worked within the boundaries of Shadowthorne’s lands. As a cousin of His Majesty the King having been called upon many times in the past to carry out orders from His Majesty and achieving objectives most would fail at. As a result of his loyal service, he was mostly left on his own to govern his own lands and not expected to live at court and serve in the Kings Military as most Lords were expected to do. However, when he was summoned by His Majesty to assist in military duties he never questioned his orders and his Knights followed him willingly.


Despite his formidable reputation as a commander in the Kings Military and his great wealth, those who really knew him and held his trust knew he has lost a great deal in his life. He had a wisdom of ways and of times gone by a man his age should not have known. His eyes held a thousand tales of places he had travelled; yet still held the innocence of one with the ability to love greatly. Very few knew of his true heartache, that he had once truly loved but sacrificed himself, his heart and soul for his beloved wife and soul mate which in the end the outcome of that sacrifice turned out to be in vain.



Other than his wife, his only remaining blood relative was his sister Lady Ariane. Younger by four years she was a quiet gentle creature. As dark as Sebastian was, she was as fair. Her hair so pale it was almost white and her eyes the colour of the sky on a clear spring day. Her beauty outshone any other maiden at the keep. She had a string of Knights vying for her attention; a simple smile from her would have them acting like young squires. Although being born into wealth and privilege she never took advantage of her high status or beauty and in return she received the highest amount of respect and protection from the Knights and people of Shadowthorne Keep.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2012, 01:19:10 PM by Kyandra »

Offline Margarett

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Re: The Disputed Lands
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2012, 01:54:13 PM »
I am a little confused. Is this a prologue about a story that you intend to write? Or perhaps is it a compilation of background material?

Please don't think me rude if I misread this. You have painted a very picturesque place for a story.
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Offline Kyandra

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Re: The Disputed Lands
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2012, 03:24:44 PM »
Hi Margaret,

Thank you for your inquiry.

I was actually going use it for the  beginning of the novel, but after your questions you have given me food for thought, your comment,

'Perhaps it is a compilation of background material'

I think perhaps what I have posted needs to be weaved into the novel somewhat and not right at the beginning.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: The Disputed Lands
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2012, 05:43:01 PM »
Weaving it into the story sounds like a better idea to me Kyandra.

The start of a story needs to be something that will snag the reader's attention and not turn it loose until the story is finished.

Look through some of your favorite novels, pay attention to their first pages and why they kept you reading. That will give you an idea of what I mean.
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Disputed Lands
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2012, 05:50:45 PM »
Hi --- nice clean writing, but there is no action, no character involvement to excite me and make me wonder about what will happen to . . .er, uh, whoever the main character might turn out to be. It tells me much about the background -- look at the 'was/had/having been/were' . . . all passive and pedestrian in pace.
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Re: The Disputed Lands
« Reply #5 on: February 16, 2012, 05:58:28 PM »
Lesson, lesson . . .

He had the strength and courage of a Knight who had fought and survived the most treacherous battles. He was a man who prided himself in having the safest and most protected keep in the territory. His family estate having been passed down from generation to generation, looming above a lush thick forest filled with wild game, no expense had been spared into making the keep a military stronghold. Surrounding the keep was a massive stone wall, twice the height of a mounted man on a war horse. Encased in the protective barrier of the outer boundary, the keep widely known as Shadowthorne, stood a massive four stories high, with thick stone walls complete with blunt corner turrets, three hundred and sixty five rooms along and a formidable dungeon.

I have put the words "had" and "was" in blue, they are indicators of passive voice.
The phrases in orange show redundancy.

Offline Margarett

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Re: The Disputed Lands
« Reply #6 on: February 16, 2012, 07:05:45 PM »
He had With the strength and courage of a Knight,(Sir James) who had fought and survived the most treacherous of battles. He was A man who prided himself in with having the safest most protected keep in the territory.


Maybe something like this?
« Last Edit: February 16, 2012, 07:10:56 PM by Margarett »
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Disputed Lands
« Reply #7 on: February 16, 2012, 07:23:33 PM »
An improvement. ;) The second sentence is only a fragment.

Is there any possibility of him doing something -- mounting his horse, riding to/away from something? Is this a return after some time . . . why is he reflecting on the estate? Maybe he cleans the dirt from his boots after he dismounts -- the journey from Y-Z having required him ford a river rather than ride over the hill blah blah blah a reason why he's here now, a hint at where he's been/come from/will be going to, places so different to the castle and grounds before him. Does he check the fortifications because he's worried they might  be breached? Maybe a spy told him something, maybe he's seen another place that seemed as strong as his own fall recently because of . . . :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\
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Offline Kyandra

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Re: The Disputed Lands
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2012, 07:41:16 PM »
Thank you all so far for  your useful comments, already  given me many ways in which to make improvements. There are that many ideas stirring I cannot get them down on paper fast enough. Thank you