Author Topic: The Barbed Wire Road  (Read 578 times)

Offline Katinka

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The Barbed Wire Road
« on: February 15, 2012, 01:57:36 PM »
Winterís icy fingers touch my soul
Frost lined panes glimpse a silent sky
Cold penetrates layers of my clothes
Barbed wire on ice along a lonely road
A memory of old of a childís

A more perplexed immortal wound
Flickered and died now lives again
Whenever my heart comes to an end
Entwined with deep emotion
And suffering so mean
A throng of woe still travels
Along a barbed wire road

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: The Barbed Wire Road
« Reply #1 on: February 15, 2012, 06:06:45 PM »

Hi Katrinka,

nice idea, but you spoil it with shorthand words like 'heart' and 'soul' that are lazy ways of saying nothing in particular.
In L2 "silent sky"  Do you mean the wind is calm or is your sky more unusually noisy than a normal sky, that
you had to point out that at present it was silent?

"Barbed wire on ice along a lonely road
A memory of old of a childís"

Is the road lonely or empty of people?
The 'road' 'old' sounds clash here for me and the line ends clumsily.   


"Cold penetrates layers of my clothes"

Does it matter how many layers? Why not say: Cold penetrates my clothes?

"A more perplexed immortal wound
Flickered and died now lives again" 

A wound is dead and then a wound comes to life, then it was not dead right?
You might want to rethink these lines.

Just saying: 'deep emotion' does not mean anything - you have to Show it.

If you could get the bugs out of this work, it might work quite well. IMO

est

Sparkus



Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Barbed Wire Road
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2012, 08:28:15 PM »
Winterís icy fingers touch my soul [really? or do they stir recollections, tease your mind? Make the hair stand up on your skin?]
Frost lined panes glimpse a silent sky
Cold penetrates layers of my clothes
Barbed wire on ice along a lonely road
A child's memory of old of a childís

A more perplexed immortal wound [an immortal wound -- one that lives forever?]
Flickered and died now lives again [if it is immortal, it never goes away]
Whenever my heart comes to an end [heart comes to the end of what? Dies? Cardiac arrest?]
Entwined with deep emotion
And suffering so mean
A throng of woe still travels
Along a barbed wire road


There are some lovely ideas here Katinka, but some of them are not real enough.  All JMO. ;)
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Offline Katinka

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Re: The Barbed Wire Road
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2012, 08:49:42 PM »
Sparky,

You are relentless!  :'(
nice idea, but you spoil it with shorthand words like 'heart' and 'soul' that are lazy ways of saying nothing in particular.)
Heart and soul--for instance? 

In L2 "silent sky"  Do you mean the wind is calm or is your sky more unusually noisy than a normal sky, that
you had to point out that at present it was silent? ) I meant when the sky appears silent from cold or snow--to me it did.

"Barbed wire on ice along a lonely road
A memory of old of a childís"

Is the road lonely or empty of people?
Okay, the road is empty of people....
The 'road' 'old' sounds clash here for me and the line ends clumsily.   
A child's memory of old?

"Cold penetrates layers of my clothes" It was so cold we wore several layers of clothes. Telling it like it was.
Does it matter how many layers? Why not say: Cold penetrates my clothes?

"A more perplexed immortal wound
Flickered and died now lives again" 

A wound is dead and then a wound comes to life, then it was not dead right?
You might want to rethink these lines. Ahhhhhh, okay, I'll rewrite it.

Just saying: 'deep emotion' does not mean anything - you have to Show it.

If you could get the bugs out of this work, it might work quite well. IMO
_____________________________________________________________
Now I will tell you the story behind this:
POW's lived in tents behind barbed wire in the midst of a severely cold winter. The depressing sight became indelibly imprinted on the emotions of a young child. Many years later she related that memory to the death of her loved one.

So, I'll work on it, I want it in my book.

Thanks (ouch) Hm...
Kat     

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: The Barbed Wire Road
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2012, 09:23:41 PM »
Kat,

"Now I will tell you the story behind this:
POW's lived in tents behind barbed wire in the midst of a severely cold winter. The depressing sight became indelibly imprinted on the emotions of a young child. Many years later she related that memory to the death of her loved one. "

Then that is the core of your revision.  Why on earth didn't you write this?  Better still Show this!

Offline Victor

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Re: The Barbed Wire Road
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2012, 04:13:57 AM »
Winterís icy fingers touch my soul
Frost lined panes glimpse a silent sky
Cold penetrates layers of my clothes
Barbed wire on ice along a lonely road
A memory of old of a childís

A more perplexed immortal wound
Flickered and died now lives again
Whenever my heart comes to an end
Entwined with deep emotion
And suffering so mean  
A throng of woe still travels
Along a barbed wire road
 
__

those are words you wanna weed out at any cost. they're abstract and do absolutely nothing for a reader who isnt privy to the N's emotional turmoil. in other words, show. the only few concrete imagery in this piece are...the barbed wire, the road , the frosty panes and the silent sky...winter's icy fingers is a terrible cliche. really theres to be more to this to make the N's heart ache so much ? what does he or she see ? show that. dont just tell us what he or she feels. ; )

--

Ps : A memory of old of a childís == > a child's old memory...if you think that lacks grace find better words...dont just re-arrange them to make them sound graceful...it actually has the exact oposite effect...it ends up sounding contrived.
 

« Last Edit: February 17, 2012, 04:17:42 AM by Victor »
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline Katinka

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Re: The Barbed Wire Road
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2012, 09:35:52 PM »
Victor,

Thanks much. I'm putting this one on the back burner for a while until I figure out what to do with it. 

Kat