Author Topic: Which part of my writing do you like better?  (Read 882 times)

Offline mda34

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Which part of my writing do you like better?
« on: February 12, 2012, 03:39:52 PM »
I wrote two parts of a story, they are not exactly the same but which one do you think is better overall, (please choose which one you liked more), thank you.

--1
It was a sunny Sunday morning. The streets were relatively quiet except for a blue truck that was on its way to the grocery store. Anna closed the door to her truck and walked across the parking lot toward the inviting entrance of the 'Bestway' supermarket. Just before the sidewalk, she was met by a heavy set fellow who beckoned her with his thick hands. At first, Anna wasn't sure if she should talk to this person because he didn't look very clean shaven, in fact he was quite the opposite. He looked as if he belonged to some biker gang because he was covered in leather clothing with skull and flame patches.
"I don't see anything wrong with talking to him," Anna thought, "after all, I've dealt with worse." So she headed in the biker's way, who was leaning against the wall with one hand playing with a zippo lighter.
"Yes, I've noticed you called me over here, what is it?" Anna said.
The biker guy ran a hand across his beard and smiled at her, "How would you like to go for a ride on my new motorcycle?"
"I'm sorry but I'm on my way to buying groceries right now."
The biker took off his sunglasses, "it's alright it wont take long."
Anna thought about it for a second before deciding, "oh ok fine."

----2
Anna went to the grocery store, and as she was pulling out of the parking lot on her car, she accidentally knocked a motorcycle with the bumper. The bike leaned on its side a little bit and ultimately it toppled to the ground with a metallic crash. Anna turned her head back and saw what she had just done with a look of horror on her face. She got out of the car and walked toward the fallen bike. It had a detailed paint job on the gas tank and chrome hardware on the engine.
"Looks like I'm going to pay to have this thing repainted," she said. At that moment a door opened with a creak; it belonged to the diner adjacent to the grocery store. It looked like a run down business but there were a few people inside. Anna saw a large person appear once the door swung open. He was wearing a black tank top under a leather vest which did a poor job in hiding a protruding beer belly. His bare arms, dotted with tattoos and scars, were greasy and covered with a lot of hair. His face held a pair of dark sunglasses which emphasized his thick eyebrows. The biker turned to Anna and then he noticed his bike. His face instantly changed and contorted with rage. Anna stepped back and thought of how to apologize.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2012, 07:06:16 PM by mda34 »

Offline Katinka

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Re: Which part of my writing do you like better?
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2012, 04:43:52 PM »
mda34

--1
It was a sunny Sunday morning. The streets were relatively quiet except for a blue truck that was on its way to the grocery store. Anna closed the door to her truck and walked across the parking lot toward the inviting entrance of the 'Bestway' supermarket. Just before the sidewalk, she was met by a heavy set fellow who beckoned her with his thick hands. At first, Anna wasn't sure if she should talk to this person because he didn't look very clean shaven, in fact he was quite the opposite. He looked as if he belonged to some biker gang because he was covered in leather clothing with skull and flame patches.
"I don't see anything wrong with talking to him," Anna thought, "after all, I've dealt with worse." So she headed in the biker's way, who was leaning against the wall with one hand playing with a zippo lighter.
"Yes, I've noticed you called me over here, what is it?" Anna said.
The biker guy ran a hand across his beard and smiled at her, "How would you like to go for a ride on my new motorcycle?"
"I'm sorry but I'm on my way to buying groceries right now."
The biker took off his sunglasses, "it's alright it wont take long."
Anna thought about it for a second before deciding, "oh ok fine."

----2
Anna went to the grocery store, and as she was pulling out of the parking lot on her car, she accidentally knocked a motorcycle with the bumper. The bike leaned on its side a little bit and ultimately it toppled to the ground with a metallic crash. Anna turned her head back, (horrified,) she saw(and saw) what she had just done delete( with a look of horror on her face.) She got out of the car and walked toward the fallen bike. It had a detailed paint job on the gas tank and chrome hardware on the engine.
"Looks like I'm going to pay to have this thing repainted," she said. At that moment the door of the diner, adjacent to the grocery store opened with a creak (door opened with a creak; it belonged to the diner adjacent to the grocery store). It looked like a run down business but there were a few people inside. Anna saw a large (man?) person appear once the door swung open. He was wearing a black tank top under a leather vest delete(which did a poor job in) hiding a protruding beer belly. His bare arms, dotted with tattoos and scars, were greasy and covered with a lot of hair. (He wore) (His face held) a pair of dark sunglasses which emphasized his thick eyebrows. The biker turned to Anna and then he noticed his bike. His face instantly changed and contorted with rage. ( Aghast)Anna stepped back delete?(and thought of how to apologize.)

Okay, it needs some corrections and tightening up. Delete unnecessary words. Good job.

Offline Butterfly21

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Re: Which part of my writing do you like better?
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2012, 05:48:49 PM »
Well, they're the same sort of confrontation that involve both a biker and his bike. However, in the first bit the man is no immediate threat with friendly dialogue, and in the second, he's a raging scary guy whose bike just got done in by Anna's car.

There's a sense of apprehension on her part in both, but in the second its more fear than just apprehension.

I think the dialogue on a whole seems a bit unnatural, like some things I think wouldn't even bother be said because they're either, A) obvious, or B) sound forced.

I think you need to decide which way you want Anna to see this biker.
Does she either fear him because she's done over his bike and he wants an explanation or revenge, or be weary of his intentions by inviting her for a ride and she doesn't even know him?

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Might not mean much, but I hope they're helpful.
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Offline Dawn

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Re: Which part of my writing do you like better?
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2012, 03:32:09 AM »
I remember your first piece mda, which seemed to suit your inner voice more.
Is this supposed to be prior to the other one?  If so it doesn't seem to match the style. JMO
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline mfarraday

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Re: Which part of my writing do you like better?
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2012, 08:26:52 PM »
#2 is much more natural, flows better and makes more sense. i'd go with #2.

in the 1st one, the whole thing seems unlikely. i wouldn't size a guy up, think he looked dangerous, then change my mind, then agree to go bike riding with him.

encountering a person because you've damaged their property is much more likely.

i think your 1st piece had a lot of stuff you could cut out to make it more concise and to-the-point. condense.



Offline magicunicorn

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Re: Which part of my writing do you like better?
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2012, 12:25:56 AM »
 Hi there,
 i agree with Mfarraday # 2 defiantly flows better and works much better for me
 #1 does sound a little  unreal ..... so i would defiantly say   # 2.

Katinga had a good point there are some Unnecessary words in there  like that and the  you could remove theses and it would still read as well if not better.
Hope this helps

 Good Luck

« Last Edit: February 14, 2012, 12:37:12 AM by magicunicorn »
Magic Unicorn

Offline Leanna

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Re: Which part of my writing do you like better?
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2012, 10:37:05 AM »
The first one can become a good start to a wild story (I see kidnap, murder, or romance... it can go anywhere!) but you would have to build much more detail to make the reader see why this girl decided to do such a stupid thing! You make her say "yes" **far** too easily unless she is extremely dumb.  

In #2 you would also need to tighten it up a lot, and rework sentences to make them stronger. I've messed around with the start, just for fun:

Anna pulled out of the grocery store parking lot, looking forward to a lovely afternoon (After all, when we hear she hit the motorcycle we think, well surely she was distracted unless it happened when she was backing up).
"Bam...Crash!"
Slamming on the breaks, she threw the door open and leaped out to see what she'd hit. To her horror, her rear bumper had toppled a shiny Harley. Its now-scuffed paint job and chrome flooded her vision with the image of dollars hemorrhaging from her bank account.

« Last Edit: February 14, 2012, 12:17:29 PM by Leanna »

Offline tomrymer

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Re: Which part of my writing do you like better?
« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2012, 01:22:49 PM »
Definitely #2 is the better. As has already been pointed to, the girl in #1 seems extremly air-headed, but then perhaps you wanted her to be that way.  I immediately wondered why a blue truck, that's to say on reading its colour I expected it to have some particular relevance, as indeed it may later in the story.

detectivearavind

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Re: Which part of my writing do you like better?
« Reply #8 on: February 15, 2012, 06:37:36 PM »
In comparison, I think the second piece is better. The reasons are (as many have stated already) #1 seems to lack detail and could be a bit more concise. There are some unnecessary details you could cut down.

However, the #1 has a wild start, something that gives way for a wilder finish.

 Hope I helped.