Author Topic: Would like some feedback on the Poem "I hold my breath"  (Read 721 times)

Offline valomj

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Would like some feedback on the Poem "I hold my breath"
« on: February 11, 2012, 09:53:40 PM »
Would like your thoughts on the poem....


I hold my breath
I hold my breath with these butterflies inside of me
I slowly release my breath to the realization that this is true
The butterflies gracefully flying inside of me is because of you
My Sweaty palms and racing heart undoubtedly is also all because of you

I've held my breath many times in suspense
Without the butterflies fluttering inside of me I know it isn’t about you
Your presence hatches these beautiful, gentle and inspiring creatures inside of me
When those creatures hatch inside of me I know I’m with you

So again I hold my breath with these butterflies inside of me
This time upon releasing my breath I glare deeply into your eyes
To say: “I love the way you make me feel”





Offline Laura H

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Re: Would like some feedback on the Poem "I hold my breath"
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2012, 10:31:11 PM »
Hi Valomj,

You're more likely to get feedback once you've introduced yourself on the welcome board http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/board,1.0.html

and please take a moment to look over the guidelines for MWC http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7415.0

Thanks & welcome  :)
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty

Offline Mark H

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Re: Would like some feedback on the Poem "I hold my breath"
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2012, 03:04:46 AM »
My thoughts are ... Unless English is your native language, you have more hope of passing wind through the eye of a needle than writing a decent poem.

Write in your own language, be happy, stop glaring at your sweetheart.
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Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Would like some feedback on the Poem "I hold my breath"
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2012, 11:59:02 AM »
I think I actually farted a butterfly on reading this.
You may be very new and I really want to take the work seriously,
however your images strike me as comic.
On the other hand, the repeated "I hold my breath" line does
set up some rhythmic opportunities.

Offline Cyd

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Re: Would like some feedback on the Poem "I hold my breath"
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2012, 11:50:29 AM »

Would like your thoughts on the poem....

Thank you. 

Is this poetry from the very young?  Because the emotions are real enough.  Sweaty palms and suspense
point in that direction.  Ah, youth!  ;)

My thought is cutting back on the holding breath and butterfly usage.  Repetition can work if it's placed well. 

Offline Vienna

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Re: Would like some feedback on the Poem "I hold my breath"
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2012, 01:29:33 PM »
I was in seoul
south Korea
fell in love with a waitress
and had butterflies in my stomach
and dog and cat and and and

oops sorry.....

didnt do anything for me. don't hold your breath until you get a good critique eh?
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

hillwalker3000

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Re: Would like some feedback on the Poem "I hold my breath"
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2012, 02:44:56 PM »
Well...

It's Valentine's Day so perhaps you were expecting some positive feedback
...
but love poetry is the most difficult poetry to write.
It's all been done so many times before,
so most of the stuff one ends up creating is unoriginal.

And unless this poem is aimed at one particular member
of this forum why would you choose to share it with us?
It's only going to mean something to the one you desire.
The rest of us couldn't care less - so all we can do is pick your poem to pieces.

Seriously, it's not a very good poem.
You repeat yourself over and over and over  -
'inside of me' ('inside me' would be better) appears four times,
there are also four 'butterflies',
five 'breath',
two 'because of you'
and not much else.

And the idea of insects hatching inside the writer
reminded me of the 'Alien' movies. Hardly a romantic image.

It's impossible to find very much to like about this
except the sincerity of the person who wrote it.

H3K