Author Topic: Chronicles of Darleion - Encounter with the Ogre - Ch. 4 (1300 words)  (Read 626 times)

Offline mfarraday

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i've heard/read about two ogre's in my life, one from the Piers Anthony series, and the other from the movie the Princess Bride. does my ogre seem original or does it hearken back to those two examples a bit too strongly? (if the reader knows the examples.)

i also want to know if the terror felt by the characters seems to die away too quickly. also the fairies seem to disappear during the ogre scene. i have to write them back in.

thanks for any input!

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As we flew up to the edge of Gundrun Forest, Javhar had a start of recognition. Two fairies were standing next to Alcippe and Xavier. I knew one of them to be the Fairy Synnove. Javhar answered my question about the other when he muttered, “Zinovia. I’m surprised she cared enough to be here.”

We alighted next to the little group and Xavier, as always, made the introductions. Zinovia brushed my hair a bit condescendingly, as if I was a very small child, and smiled haughtily, telling me she was surprised to see that I had grown up so well. Then she cast a disapproving glance at my masculine leather clothing. But soon enough she dismissed me and spoke to all of us with the air of an appointed leader.

“Thank you for your interest in the Tindra crisis. We are planning to visit the Baron of Solveig, he has a small castle on the hill over there.” She gestured towards the east with a well manicured hand. “We are hoping he might have some information about what is causing Eden to overflow.”

“Did you find anything new?” Xavier directed the question at Javhar.

“We saw nothing,” Javhar answered. “The water was a bit higher in the Dagmar River, and that is all. What of your own mission?”

“We saw a line of animals migrating north,” said Xavier. “But so far, nothing to indicate the source of all the water. We observed that the Larkspur has risen about a foot all along the passage. But we expect it to get much worse after this.”

“Indeed, the Tindra region is shallow and does not allow for much overflow,” interjected Synnove. “We must be prepared to see loss of life as well.”

“Do you think we’re safe from the attack of…wild creatures, since most are moving northwards?” asked Xavier anxiously.

“There is no guarantee,” Zinovia said. “There will be plenty who are hungry. Some will feed on those who are in their path, and if we happen to be in their way, who can say? But we will take precautions. We can travel by enchanted roads that are supposed to shield travelers from attack.”

“Supposed to-?” I replied doubtfully.

“Well, yes. There are deterrents – magically induced camouflage for those who take the road, and consequences from the Darleion government, if that doesn’t work. But of course, once it’s too late, nothing can really be done to punish marauders,” Zinovia told me.

I smiled grimly at her comments and said nothing more. After all, my companions were taking it all in stride. But I did not relish being attacked.

We gathered our bearings and started off, not flying this time, but staying on land to accommodate the fairies. Like Xavier said, there were animals headed in a northerly direction, following the Larkspur. We decided to go along the same road, but in the opposite direction, south. We were approaching the fork where the Tindra River branched off, when there was a sudden explosion of birds from the fir trees in front of us. We heard a loud thumping, like footsteps, and the sound of branches crackling and being torn apart. Xavier and I looked at each other fearfully. There wasn’t time to mount Javhar and Alcippe’s backs again so that we could fly to safety. Javhar had to make a quick decision.

“Take cover!” he shouted, indicating some boulders at the side of the road. We hurried to get behind them and then peeked around the side.

What were we about to see? Javhar and Alcippe stood their ground in front of the boulders, ready to confront whatever emerged.

In a moment, we were able to see what was making all the noise. What looked like a monstrous human being was tearing through the woods. It was 12 feet tall, with enormous hands and feet, the size of small boulders. A mess of teeth poked haphazardly out of a mouth that could barely close. Drool snaked down the chin of this…man. In reality, it was an Ogre, and he seemed to be in a rage. The ground shuddered with each of his steps and when we looked downwards, it was difficult to see his shoes, there was so much overgrown, clotted hair clinging to his feet. There was a horrible smell like dead fish permeating the air. Xavier and I covered our noses and mouths with a bit of clothing and tried to breathe.

“Halt!” Alcippe exclaimed as the Ogre threatened to run right over him and Javhar. “In the name of the Darleion Princess, we bid you to stop.”

“You no tell me what to do. The Princess is dead and I will go through!” the Ogre growled in response. He belched and the foul stench that was emanating from him increased. It was coming off him in waves.

“I declare that she is not dead. She is living and she is back in Darleion to help with the flood.” Javhar told him. “Now stop for a moment and tell us where you are going.”

“I run with the sun. Tindra is done.”

“Do you have any idea what is causing the river to overflow?”

“Come from the ground. Now let me go round.”

I had never heard an ogre speak before, and I was entranced with his rhymes. I listened to the conversation with rapt interest.

“Do you need any help?”

“Something to eat. Princess have meat?”

“We can try to shoot you a pheasant. Would you stay for a moment? Xavier?”

So Xavier and I emerged from our hiding place, reasonably certain that the Ogre was not going to attack. Xavier had a cross bow stored in his pack. He assembled the parts quickly and started to aim at various fowl we could see flying by. Meanwhile I sat down gingerly next to the Ogre and looked at him curiously. I had always heard of these strange creatures and I was a little afraid of him, but to see an Ogre – one that is relatively peaceful – up close, was quite a rarity.

“Princess not dead. I am glad, Ogre said,” the Ogre told me, in his charming fashion. I smiled a bit and tried not to cringe at the foul odor coming from his rotted teeth.  

After a few minutes Xavier came back with a goose he had killed with an arrow. He handed the game to the Ogre and the creature made an effort with his mouth that was like a smile. He was happy about the food.

“You are so kind. Do not search so blind. Flood comes from a well. Wizard made a bad spell.”

Javhar, Alcippe and the rest of us looked at him with wide eyes. A wizard had caused the flood?

“It would make some sense,” Synnove admitted. “The kind of disaster that has been created, without too much rain – it would take magic to pull it off, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he is right.”

“But which wizard would do such a thing?” Zinovia asked irritably. She may have been annoyed that she hadn’t thought of it first.

“We’re not sure. But let us ask at Solveig Castle. The Baron may know something, since he lives here in the Wilderness.”

We all agreed that this was a good plan and watched as the Ogre packed up his meal and got ready to leave. He turned to me one last time.

“Princess need aid. I not be afraid,” he said to me.

“He means he would be willing to help if you ever need,” Xavier translated.

“Thank you, Ogre. What is your name?”

“Olle my name. Me only half tame.”

“We will ask for you if we need your services. Travel safely,” Javhar assured him. We watched him stomp away into the underbrush.
 
« Last Edit: February 10, 2012, 10:24:10 PM by mfarraday »



Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Chronicles of Darleion - Encounter with the Ogre - Ch. 4 (1300 words)
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2012, 11:16:34 PM »
I think I found a missing word for you. -> “Take cover!” he shouted, indicating toward some boulders at the side of the road.

In a moment, we were able to see what was making all the noise. This line seemed a bit awkward. How about: We hadn't yet seen what was making all the noise.

To answer your question, since the ogre was carrying on a conversation, the rate the others seemed to relax looked okay to me.

At first I was wondering why the band would offer to hunt for the ogre but then I saw they wanted to press him for information.

Keep going.  ;D
« Last Edit: February 10, 2012, 11:32:58 PM by Skip Slocum »
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Offline Leanna

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Re: Chronicles of Darleion - Encounter with the Ogre - Ch. 4 (1300 words)
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2012, 03:12:56 AM »
I like your writing, it kept me very entertained!

You can strengthen your story by removing some "ly" adverbs, of which you have 20 (condescendingly, haughtily etc). Instead rework the sentence or use stronger verbs. "I squirmed/recoiled as Zinovia brushed my hair with her fingers as if I was a very small child. Her haughty smile indicated she was surprised to see that I had grown up so well."

Instead of "...asked Xavier anxiously" you can use "Xavier quavered" or "Xavier's voice quavered."

“Supposed to-?” I replied doubtfully." You don't need the adverb. We already know she feels doubtful because of the way she's asking the question.

You can also improve story strength by minimizing occurrences of the verb "be" such as "was."

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Chronicles of Darleion - Encounter with the Ogre - Ch. 4 (1300 words)
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2012, 09:11:32 AM »
We gathered our bearings and started off, not flying this time, but staying on land to accommodate the fairies. Like Xavier said, there were Though the animals headed in a northerly direction, following the Larkspur, we decided to go along the same road, but in the opposite direction, south. As/When we were approaching approached the fork where the Tindra River branched off, when there was a sudden explosion a flock of birds whooshed up from the fir trees in front of us. We heard a loud thumping, Thumps, like loud footsteps, and the sound of branches snapping crackling and being torn apart sounded close to us. Xavier and I exchanged fearful glances. looked at each other fearfully. There wasn’t With no time to mount Javhar and Alcippe’s backs again so that we could fly to safety, Javhar had to make a quick decision.


 :) :) :) :) :)
A bit more variety for sentence openings IMO [the bolded 'we' was too frequent] and some stronger verbs in completed past tense would improve this paragraph. Any suggestions are just that -- take or trash as suits you.



In a moment, we were able to see what was making all the noise. What looked like a monstrous human being was tearing tore through the woods towards us. It was We stared in horror at this creature, 12 feet tall, with enormous hands and feet, the size of small boulders. A mess of teeth poked haphazardly out of a mouth that could barely close. Drool snaked down the chin of this…man. In reality, it was an Ogre and he seemed to be -- in a dreadful rage. The ground shuddered with each of his steps. and when we looked downwards, it was difficult to see his shoes, there was so much Overgrown, clotted hair clinging clung to his feet. There was A horrible, smell like dead fish smell permeated the air. Xavier and I covered our noses and mouths with a bit of clothing [which part, a cape?] and tried to breathe.
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Offline Dawn

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Re: Chronicles of Darleion - Encounter with the Ogre - Ch. 4 (1300 words)
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2012, 06:56:22 PM »
I really enjoyed this. Like I have said before, you seem to have found your genre.
Keep going.
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Offline Katinka

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Re: Chronicles of Darleion - Encounter with the Ogre - Ch. 4 (1300 words)
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2012, 07:23:32 PM »

Zinovia brushed my hair a bit (condescendingly,) as if I was a very small child, and smiled (haughtily,) (two big LY words close together) The following is all telling,I suggest you do some dialoguing here(telling me she was surprised to see that I had grown up so well. Then she cast a disapproving glance at my masculine leather clothing. But soon enough she dismissed me and spoke to all of us with the air of an appointed leader.)


It (did you measure it with something?)was 12 feet tall, with enormous hands and feet, the size of small boulders. (Yeah, that was described as a typical ogre) it was an Ogre, and he seemed to be in a rage. The ground shuddered with each( step of his collossal feet) of his steps and when we looked downwards, This is not good)>(There was) a horrible smell like dead fish permeating the air. Alcippe (shrieked) exclaimed as the Ogre
“You no tell me what to do. The Princess is dead and I will go through!” the Ogre growled in response. He belched and the foul stench delete(that was) emanating from him increased. ry to shoot you a pheasant. Would you stay for a moment? Xavier?”

“But which wizard would do such a thing?” Zinovia asked irritably. Presumption(She may have been annoyed that she hadn’t thought of it first.)

You are very good at dilogue. The story moves nicely although the ogre is very familiar. It would help to make him a little more atypical. Not much focus on elves.

Offline mfarraday

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Re: Chronicles of Darleion - Encounter with the Ogre - Ch. 4 (1300 words)
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2012, 09:56:35 PM »
thank you everyone for the reviews. i would be glad to review anything that any of you posted as well. i will take all your suggestions to heart.