Author Topic: My Man  (Read 616 times)

Offline Katinka

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My Man
« on: February 10, 2012, 06:13:11 PM »
I shaped a lump of clay
I stood you tall
legs spread and straight.
Your head slightly cocked,
hands on thighs.
 
I now know you more,
I spied your thinness,
Your holy hollowness.

I worked out my knowing
on your form.
I carved as when we spoke,
until a hollow place appeared,
as when we reasoned.
As I carved more of you
appeared so clear.

You stood before me bare,
hollow and thin.
The clarity that surfaced
healed my soul.
I smiled, my man!

Thanks to Sparky for his edit.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2012, 07:42:42 AM by Katinka »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: My Man
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2012, 06:32:00 PM »
Love the idea of this Katinka -- full sized sculpture or small model?

These lines confused me a little:
I carved as when we spoke
Until a hollow place appeared

Do you mean that your sculptor's tool [I don't know what it's called] did the same thing your words /conversations did with him, peeling back layers to reveal what's within? Or do you mean you carried on carving while you were chatting? Maybe find a way of adding some clarity to that phrase. ;) ;) ;)
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Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My Man
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2012, 09:36:15 PM »
Hi K

the write has images and a strong theme.  It is overwritten IMO
and the equation of hollow man and a discovery of his particular inward-ness could be seen just
as hollowness.  No offense meant, but hollow man images are usually negative. However
you equate hollowness here to clarity and even holiness, so I can kind of see where you
are going.

Hers a suggested edit--


I shaped a lump of clay
I stood you tall
legs spread and straight.
Your head slightly cocked,
hands on thighs.
 
I now know you more,
I spied your thinness,
Your holy hollowness.

I worked out my knowing
on your form.
I carved as when we spoke,
until a hollow place appeared,
as when we reasoned.
As I carved more of you
appeared so clear.

You stood before me bare,
hollow and thin.
The clarity that surfaced
healed my soul.
I smiled, my man!






Offline Katinka

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Re: My Man
« Reply #3 on: February 10, 2012, 10:21:01 PM »
SparkyDash

Excellent revision ;D

No offense taken. Actually, it is meant to be a negative hollow man image.

(you equate hollowness here to clarity and even holiness,) Clarity, yes, but erroniously perceived holiness.

Would you mind if I used your revision? It's okay if you say yes. It is very good.

Thanks,
Kat

 


I shaped a lump of clay
I stood you tall
legs spread and straight.
Your head slightly cocked,
hands on thighs.
 
I now know you more,
I spied your thinness,
Your holy hollowness.

I worked out my knowing
on your form.
I carved as when we spoke,
until a hollow place appeared,
as when we reasoned.
As I carved more of you
appeared so clear.

You stood before me bare,
hollow and thin.
The clarity that surfaced
healed my soul.
I smiled, my man!






[/quote]

Offline Katinka

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Re: My Man
« Reply #4 on: February 10, 2012, 10:25:33 PM »
bhan

(full sized sculpture or small model?) Naw, he wasn't worth the trouble of a full sized sculpture. A small model did just fine.
 
(These lines confused me a little:) See Sparky's revision ;)
( peeling back layers to reveal what's within? Or do you mean you carried on carving while you were chatting? Maybe find a way of adding some clarity to that phrase. ;) ;) ;) I hope Sparky did. Whew, he got it. I'm not sure I want to be a poet when I grow up.
[/quote]

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My Man
« Reply #5 on: February 10, 2012, 10:33:00 PM »
Of course I wouldn't mind K
an edit is like a tune-up on a car
the poem always is the poets,
the car stays with the owner.

sparks

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Re: My Man
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2012, 03:27:41 AM »
Enjoyed the read and concept

Offline Katinka

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Re: My Man
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2012, 07:46:07 AM »
Sparky

You are generous!  ;D
Of course your contribution doesn't make me a better poet. But maybe I'll learn something in the process.

Thanks,
Kat

Offline Katinka

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Re: My Man
« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2012, 07:47:43 AM »
Mlambere

Enjoyed the read and concept
Thanks so much for reading.

Kat