Author Topic: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with 3rd revision)  (Read 2109 times)

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with revisions)
« Reply #30 on: February 13, 2012, 02:40:02 PM »
Quote
Heavy mortar thumps, concussions
in the dark, that bumps at my door
rattles the glass in my windows.

Just a suggestion: Try moving the comma from behind "dark" and placing it after "door."

I think it would read smoother, but of course, it's up to you.
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Offline indar

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Re: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with revisions)
« Reply #31 on: February 13, 2012, 05:30:41 PM »
Hello Alice,
Yes I see some problems have developed. I am trying to stay away from my computer whilst readying my house for out-of-town guests. I think i will entirely rewrite the first stanza. Thanks for reading and commenting, its good to hear from people looking in from other areas :)

Offline indar

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Re: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with 3rd revision)
« Reply #32 on: February 14, 2012, 12:21:11 PM »
This 3rd edit solves some problems I think. I added the phrase "a world away" but think it might be cliche. It'll stand in until i can think of something better---suggestions welcome.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with 3rd revision)
« Reply #33 on: February 14, 2012, 12:43:52 PM »
Heavy mortar thumps in the dark,
bumps at my door
rattles the glass in my windows.

They are practicing war
at the base again.

Somewhere a world away.............the line is okay with me. You could say 'far away' however.
there is a woman
lying under the thin protection
of her bedclothes at night:
she listens to these sounds

and knows they are from
the village just to the north
where a few days ago.........say: yesterday.  Quicker and more specific.
she rode in her donkey cart
to visit her sister and children.
She thinks she will not live
to know their fate
the thuds retrace her way home.


My   Her heart rattles in its rib-cage................(edit)

Offline indar

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Re: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with 3rd revision)
« Reply #34 on: February 14, 2012, 12:55:35 PM »
Thanks Sparky,
I changed a couple of things as you suggest. I agree "to these sounds" is awkward. I tried out your "similar sounds" but that didn't do it for me either. I want something there to indicate the sounds are the same. "My" heart rattles because I imagine I am experiencing some small part of her terror. I appreciate your contributions.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with 3rd revision)
« Reply #35 on: February 14, 2012, 01:09:13 PM »
Hi Indar

I just what to highlight something, and I hope you don't
think I am preaching, or being a know it all, but in poetry, as in prose,
we sometimes have to leave out stuff we wanted to say, just to
improve the structure of our composition.  The poet (believe me,
I am no different), balks at this suggestion because he or she has an image
of what she/he wants to include, but often the exclusion implies
more than the inclusion.  Just my thoughts on this.

Regarding the last line. It is going to work either way.
'My' or 'Her' will work, but as it is written at present,
the transition from her thoughts to your rib cage is a little abrupt IMO.



Offline indar

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Re: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with 3rd revision)
« Reply #36 on: February 14, 2012, 01:13:40 PM »
Quote
the transition from her thoughts to your rib cage


Egads

Must stagger off and think this one over :o.


Will get back to you on the rest of these issues later