Author Topic: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with 3rd revision)  (Read 2110 times)

Offline indar

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Re: Camp Pendleton
« Reply #15 on: February 11, 2012, 10:23:52 AM »
Thank you creekmile, glad it resonates.

Offline Mark H

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Re: Camp Pendleton
« Reply #16 on: February 11, 2012, 02:03:18 PM »
The work of yours I like best has an atmosphere about it (provided you don't let Sparky pare it away). This, and something else of yours I read recently (sorry can't recall what), lack that quality. They are cold and so some readers won't "feel" anything in particular.

The first half could simply be a whinge about the bothersome nearby base and the second half doesn't make any sense: why the donkey cart? What's that got to do with a US base?

I think a poem about how it might feel to be a civilian caught up in a combat zone might be interesting, but the POV of the person by the base adds nothing to that interest IMO, in fact it gets in the way. I think as writers we all sometimes fail to ditch the seed of the idea and move on to the fully fledged, grown up thing, it needs to be.  :)

M
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Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Camp Pendleton
« Reply #17 on: February 11, 2012, 02:13:03 PM »
  ;D ;D ;D Hey!

Offline Mark H

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Re: Camp Pendleton
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2012, 03:46:41 PM »
Not a criticism of you, just an opinion.  ;)
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Offline indar

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Re: Camp Pendleton
« Reply #19 on: February 12, 2012, 03:15:53 AM »
Thanks Mark,

I just remarked to someone else here that i may now be trying to say too much with too few words. Perhaps that is the problem here or perhaps the whole idea is dumb. I wasn't complaining about the noise from the base so much as describing how shocking real artillary is. The first time i experienced it it brought home to me that somewhere there are people for whom this sound and fury is real. Just now, for example there are people in Syria living under the threat of attack by their own government. I am not referring to that situation in particular but anyplace where a population might just be trying to get along: concerned for family, underdeveloped enough to still be using donkey carts. The noise on the base brought it home for me and I thought it was worth writing about the way I experienced it. But no one seems to have read it that way so I guess I'd better get a clue eh?

Offline drab

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Re: Camp Pendleton
« Reply #20 on: February 12, 2012, 09:51:07 AM »
Hi indar,
The title is a distraction. I don't believe it adds anything, in fact the opposite is more the case.
S1 is too cold. If you showed how it affected the N's children/dog/love-life or better still, how it was nuisance when N was watching a favourite soap on TV, and compare that 'inconvenience' with the reality of real mortars dropping close to home.
Could be good.  :)
Regards

To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline indar

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Re: Camp Pendleton
« Reply #21 on: February 12, 2012, 10:38:55 AM »
Thanks for your comments Drab, I appreciate input on this one in particular. I didn't think i had a winner here but I thought it was better than what the feedback indicates. Perhaps making it about pendleton is part of the confusion---I think I might be going through a really bad spot in my writing (I'm not posting the worst of it).

Offline drab

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Re: Camp Pendleton
« Reply #22 on: February 12, 2012, 10:46:06 AM »
We all have off days/weeks.
The biggest problem is not being inspired. But you have the ideas, you know what you want to write. With a little effort you'll get there.
Maybe leave this for a while and work on the 'attic' poem. That one is almost there.  :)
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Camp Pendleton
« Reply #23 on: February 12, 2012, 11:04:24 AM »
Actually its a very good poem in potential. Put some warmth into it and it will be a winner.

Offline indar

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Re: Camp Pendleton
« Reply #24 on: February 12, 2012, 12:23:21 PM »
Again, thank you Drab, I think I will quit writing new ones and work on some of the stuff I have done. I certainly need the discipline.

Thanks Sparky, I guess terse better descibes what I am writing here rather than brevity. Will try to light a fire under it.

Offline indar

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Re: Camp Pendleton
« Reply #25 on: February 13, 2012, 12:23:58 PM »
OK did a revision but it probably needs further work, the second half sounds different from the first. Or am I imagining it?

Offline Mark H

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Re: Camp Pendleton (with revision)
« Reply #26 on: February 13, 2012, 12:41:16 PM »
You should start with the noise and the impact that has, and THEN reveal that they are practising war nearby.

This revision is much better but I think you need to work harder to show the experience of the person in the war zone. I'm not getting much from that yet. It must be terrifying - how can you show that? That is the question  :)

M
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Offline indar

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Re: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with revisions)
« Reply #27 on: February 13, 2012, 01:21:10 PM »
Thanks Mark----why didn't i think of doing it that way? I changed the title thinking it might help to close the circle of concern I'm trying to portray.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with revisions)
« Reply #28 on: February 13, 2012, 01:32:54 PM »
Hi Indar,

like the new direction. Its a bit overwritten IMO.
You don't need "fire" in the first line, but you do need a comma.

Suggested edit-


Heavy mortar thumps, concussions
in the dark, seemingly closer,
that bumps at my door,............................(edit)
rattles the glass in my windows.
rattles my heart in my ribcage.  This line is too dramatic this early in the poem IMO

They are practicing war
at the base again.

Perhaps somewhere.............(edit)
there is a woman
like me, lying under the thin protection
of her bedclothes at night:
she listens to similar sounds.................(edit)

She knows they are from..................(edit)
the village just to the north
where only a few days ago
she rode her donkey cart........................(edit)
to visit her sister and children............................(edit)

She thinks she will not live
to know their fate.


My heart rattles in its rib-cage.


Offline indar

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Re: My Sister (formerly Camp Pendleton with revisions)
« Reply #29 on: February 13, 2012, 01:50:26 PM »
I got rid of your edit markings (whatever they're called) so i could read it more smoothly. Gotta admit when i try to get by on fewer words it sounds cold---when you edit it down to fewer words---it reads beautifully---but now some things disagree. I will try an edit on this after I accomplish a few tasks having to do with real life. Thanks Sparky.


Heavy mortar thumps, concussions
in the dark, that bumps at my door
rattles the glass in my windows.

They are practicing war
at the base again.

Perhaps somewhere
there is a woman
lying under the thin protection
of her bedclothes at night:
she listens to similar sounds

She knows they are from
the village just to the north
where a few days ago
she rode her donkey cart
to visit her sister and children

My heart rattles in its rib-cage.