Author Topic: A Genuine Love Story (short story, 594 words)  (Read 868 times)

Offline Kernalrelisus

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A Genuine Love Story (short story, 594 words)
« on: February 10, 2012, 12:01:19 AM »
A Genuine Love Story

     I fall in love with myself.

     After a long secret love… finally I and I are together. I profess my love to me this Sunday and I accept it.

     By the way, I may call my lover “I” instead of I—I don’t mean I want to claim the distinction between my lover and I, indeed, I just try to show more respect to my lover. It’s awkward, even retarded, I know. Maybe “I” also know—at this point, see, I use first personal verb for “I”—so, never doubt my love. Though I seem frivolous—the kind of feeling that I don’t need the direction when I was riding, and maybe plus some meaninglessly smart, actually I am a composed, pessimism, and even extremely cold-blooded creature, believe it or not. Oh, do not believe t—I’m not a person that you worth to trust. Try to forget what you saw before. I’m kind of too genuine that may cause the discomfort of “I”. True, I also feel a disgusting anxiousness.

     I once seemed really genuine, even I didn’t say something serious or do something helpful—by the way, I always bring so many traumatic catastrophes. Interesting, actually I really enjoy that inborn trait of genuine—the trait from those beautiful little boys who need mommas’ protection. Females in this world need to unbosom their inborn maternal instinct, so they need a simile-little boy to admire, to worship. Oh, I feel a terribly guilty pleasure.




     —Why I become so genuine again?
     “Shame,” “I” said.
     “Please, I’m not genuine to others most of the time, believe me,” I said.
     “Shame,” “I” said.
     “I never being genuine to others—if I really care about the thing,” I said.
     “Shame!” “I” said.
     “I only seriously genuine to you,” I said.
     “Shame, shame!” “I” said.
     “Well, maybe sometimes not, even to you,” I said.
     “Shame! Shame!” “I” said.
     “Trust me!”
     “Shame shame shame shame shame shame shame!” “I” said.
     “Stop it! Who you think you are?!” I said.
     “I love you,” “I” said.




     —I know it, I said.
     Of course I know it, but, I still…well, I believe it. No more question. No more suspicion. Well, of course I still need suspicion. But, just go to sleep. I think it would be less pressure. Wrong. Maybe I am always wrong, but I seriously reject to suspect myself. I am always right. Maybe I need to suspect myself, but I don’t really necessary need it. Just ignore it. It’s annoying. Well, maybe I would doubt myself if I really desired to, but others cannot. I refuse others’ suspicion.
     “How about me,” “I” said.
     “Well, maybe not,” I said.




     —Seriously, am I still sleeping? It’s annoying. Well, maybe it’s not 100% annoying. Maybe it’s just sick. Actually, I’m pretty satisfied with my answer—not so hurt, not so arrogant, leave the uncertainty, give the hope. And, strong enough. Well, I’m pleased. I gain the courage to sleep again.
     “I forgive you,” “I” said.
     I’m not pleased.
     “I mean, I don’t care,” “I” said.
     I still awaked.
     “I care,” “I” said, “why I exist?”
     My brain hurts.
     “Maybe I care you more than myself, or not,” “I” said.
     “I hate you,” I said. I want to sleep. Thanks God, not too much maternal instinct. Why I exist?
     “It’s a complement,” I said.
     “I know,” “I” said.
     “I know,” we said.
     “I do care,” we said.
     “I like you,” we said.
     “I am like you,” we said.
     “Same,” we said.
     “Shame,” we said.
     “I love I,” I said.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: A Genuine Love Story (short story, 594 words)
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2012, 07:51:03 AM »
For such a strange piece you need to make sure all the intended information is conveyed . . . otherwise confusion will put readers off.

   —Why (have/did) I become so genuine again?

 “I never being genuine  ??? to others—if I really care about the thing,” I said. :-[

The 'we said' totally confused me -- not in a satsifying way

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Offline mfarraday

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Re: A Genuine Love Story (short story, 594 words)
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2012, 11:20:43 AM »
very confusing and abstract. i kind of enjoyed the not-back-and-forth-ness of it somehow. sort of a guilty pleasure. it didn't make much sense but kind of thumbs its nose at the reader. i am not sure why i liked it. but i did.



hillwalker3000

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Re: A Genuine Love Story (short story, 594 words)
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2012, 11:57:12 AM »
Too clever and self-conscious by far.
Perhaps that was the point you were trying to make,
but the standard of writing lets you down.
Some of the dialogue seems purposefully ungrammatical.

'I never being genuine' ?? - what does this mean?

I imagine you had more fun writing this than I had reading it.
To quote the great "I" itself - My brain hurts.

H3K

Offline Dawn

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Re: A Genuine Love Story (short story, 594 words)
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2012, 06:45:06 PM »
 ???Tricky this one. I like the confusion and the concept you're trying to achieve. However, I feel you're trying to be, a tad too clever with this.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Katinka

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Re: A Genuine Love Story (short story, 594 words)
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2012, 06:55:13 PM »
Kernalrelisus
     (I’m not a person that you worth to trust.)

    ( “I never being genuine to others—if I really care about the thing,”)

Okay, I'll say it, no comprende--sorry. But I realize we are all strange inside with fractuous thoughts and emotions. So. that's you--so, okay, I don't quite understand you. ;D   

Offline wanderer

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Re: A Genuine Love Story (short story, 594 words)
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2012, 07:22:15 PM »
Maybe some type of explanation/clarification will help with the understanding ? My mind cannot follow what it means or the point.  :o
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detectivearavind

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Re: A Genuine Love Story (short story, 594 words)
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2012, 02:22:22 PM »
Hi Kernalrelisus!

I am not very good at sentence structures, grammar and all that. So I am afraid I can't provide my feedback in that sense.

On the other hand, I really love what you have done. So concise, yet so deep. I enjoyed 594 times, that is I enjoyed every word of it.

Again, this is something unique and new (at least to me) , and I am looking forward to your posts in the near future.

Offline mfarraday

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Re: A Genuine Love Story (short story, 594 words)
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2012, 02:43:46 PM »
one thing i liked to consider about this piece is whether the main character is a terrible narcissist, talking to themselves in the mirror, OR maybe he/she is SO enamoured with their lover that they feel like they are the same person.

so it could be about one person, or two people. a mind-bender.



Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: A Genuine Love Story (short story, 594 words)
« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2012, 10:53:21 PM »
I liked this. Some good original writing.
It gets a bit repetitive and I would make some cuts, but I would give you
ten out of ten for saying something beyond the norm.

Sparky