Author Topic: In a church (Formerly 'The Cross is not for him')  (Read 1057 times)

Offline drab

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In a church (Formerly 'The Cross is not for him')
« on: February 08, 2012, 09:22:56 PM »
A monkey-boy's arms, draped
over balcony's mahogany,
side to side,
monotony's clock
tick tock talking as his head's
slow motion side to side explored
the possibility of being
owl-boy,

below
a carpet of grey,
old prey praying he wouldn't swoop

one of these days he'd reveal his powers,
until then he'd mark them

owl spit leached down,
treacle tracers,
reluctant sometimes
yo yoing back,
then heavy gloups
resisting gravity
fell slow and gentle,
a host, a gift
a sign

he'll bring her home
even though she smells of
old people
piss and geraniums

the cross is not for him,
been there
done that.



  
« Last Edit: February 10, 2012, 08:47:22 PM by drab »
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline indar

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Re: The Cross is not for him
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2012, 11:11:32 PM »
Hi Drab,
Well this is certainly fun---Owl Boy eh? There seems to be too many possessive nouns crammed into S1.

S4, L4 "he suck(s?)

Guess when you are a monkey turned owl boy you are called to do some rather socially unacceptable things. Sad and funny.

I think the last of this poem is going to take some pondering but for sure "been there done that" is overworked.

Like this one a lot.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2012, 11:14:00 PM by indar »

Offline drab

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Re: The Cross is not for him
« Reply #2 on: February 09, 2012, 06:08:32 AM »
Thanks indar,
Have removed the 'suck' thing.  :)
This is about a bored boy whose imagination is working overtime. He is owl-boy or a monkey or maybe he is God.
Regards
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Cross is not for him
« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2012, 08:04:18 AM »
I liked this -- made me think of my brothers bored in church and not wanting to be altar boys. ;D

leeched ->>> leached? :-\
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Offline drab

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Re: The Cross is not for him
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2012, 03:31:29 PM »
Glad you liked 5.  :)
Have finished correcting my spellings Miss.  ;D
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The Cross is not for him
« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2012, 03:33:48 PM »
Good lad; 10/10 for effort -- you are always so keen to please. :-*

You are tonight's official teacher's pet. ;D
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Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: The Cross is not for him
« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2012, 11:20:46 PM »
Hey Drab I really, really like this.
It needs a bit of clarity. I am not sure if the boy is in church
or in a dance hall. I used to hang over the balcony as a very young teenager
and watch the older boys and girls and think similar thoughts.
I did not spit though. I am probably wrong in my interpretation again!
In any event it works!
I should hate the platitudinous last lines, but I don't
I think their perfect.

Bravo

Sparky
« Last Edit: February 09, 2012, 11:23:03 PM by SparkyDashforth »

Offline indar

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Re: The Cross is not for him
« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2012, 02:11:50 AM »
Looking at this again Drab, I'm still bothered by the possessives: balcony's , monotony's, head's so close to one another. I don't know why---there's probably no law against it. Is there disagreement between tenses: past tense up until the last 2 stanzas? I read the whole thing to myself in present tense and like it that way even better. Still like it a whole bunch :)

Offline drab

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Re: The Cross is not for him
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2012, 08:42:09 AM »
Cheers S.
Your interp was right. I might change the title to make the setting clearer.
Glad you liked it.

Hi indar,
Thanks for coming back.
You could be right about the apostrophes, although I suspect it might be an aesthetic problem?
And I'll have a look at those tenses.
Regards
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline randi.lee

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Re: The Cross is not for him
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2012, 09:04:36 AM »
Nicely done. I like how eratic the lines are.

Offline drab

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Re: The Cross is not for him
« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2012, 08:10:19 PM »
Thanks randi.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline indar

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Re: In a church (Formerly 'The Cross is not for him')
« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2012, 01:11:47 PM »
I pulled this one up because its a good poem and Drab has gone missing lately.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: In a church (Formerly 'The Cross is not for him')
« Reply #12 on: April 11, 2012, 01:18:21 PM »
Yea, where is Drab??

Come on mate, hit the desk, your words are missed.