Butterfly

[monal314]

Butterfly

I think I might have to set you free,
But not just yet

My heart cannot do it
I'll just wait and see

For now I'll take it one day at a time, what little happiness I can
For the time we shared so far
Are the best I've ever had

Maybe one day I will
Maybe it will be you

But I hope I have the grace and strength
To take it
And accept that we are through

[hillwalker3000]

Neat poem,

if a little pessimistic,
and personally I'd take out the phrase 'one day at a time'

It's a tired old cliche that has passed its use-by date
and its connotations with recovering alcoholics are
far removed from someone holding onto a relationship

H3K

[510bhan]

If this really struck you -- strike your readers too. Give us the pain and the minutiae.

[monal314]

Thanks much for the feedback and your comments have been noted..

[SparkyDashforth]

I found the subject, theme and composition to be blancmange.
Nothing new here, just recycled platitudes.

"I think I might have to set you free,
But not just yet..."

I should hate to be a butterfly in your hands.
The overall feeling I get from the work is that you are manipulating
an emotion you have mistaken for love.

Try to write this out without using a nebulous phrase like "heart."
Get more real with yourself and show your warts as well as your hoped for "grace."

[510bhan]

Have you tried any changes to this yet?

[Victor]

dispense with the church sermon-sque words like heart and grace and strength and write down exactly what you meant to say using original imagery- no cutting corners, no censoring, no sprucing up  . the outcome could be ugly..not exactly a portrait of love..but ugliness has its place and ahem charm. roll up your sleeves and lets see some dirt and blood..this is about field work ; )

[Cyd]

The simplicity and purity of your poem is a breath of fresh air.