Author Topic: Butterfly  (Read 571 times)

Offline monal314

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Butterfly
« on: February 08, 2012, 05:22:41 PM »
Butterfly

I think I might have to set you free,
But not just yet

My heart cannot do it
I'll just wait and see

For now I'll take it one day at a time, what little happiness I can
For the time we shared so far
Are the best I've ever had

Maybe one day I will
Maybe it will be you

But I hope I have the grace and strength
To take it
And accept that we are through

hillwalker3000

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Re: Butterfly
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2012, 05:27:17 PM »
Neat poem,

if a little pessimistic,
and personally I'd take out the phrase 'one day at a time'

It's a tired old cliche that has passed its use-by date
and its connotations with recovering alcoholics are
far removed from someone holding onto a relationship

H3K

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Butterfly
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2012, 07:29:25 PM »
If this really struck you -- strike your readers too. ;) Give us the pain and the minutiae.
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Offline monal314

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Re: Butterfly
« Reply #3 on: February 09, 2012, 12:19:44 PM »
Thanks much for the feedback and your comments have been noted.. ;D

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Butterfly
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2012, 03:14:38 PM »
I found the subject, theme and composition to be blancmange.
Nothing new here, just recycled platitudes.

"I think I might have to set you free,
But not just yet..."

I should hate to be a butterfly in your hands.
The overall feeling I get from the work is that you are manipulating
an emotion you have mistaken for love.

Try to write this out without using a nebulous phrase like "heart."
Get more real with yourself and show your warts as well as your hoped for "grace."



Offline 510bhan

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Re: Butterfly
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2012, 10:17:54 PM »
Have you tried any changes to this yet? :)
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Offline Victor

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Re: Butterfly
« Reply #6 on: February 15, 2012, 08:03:17 AM »
dispense with the church sermon-sque words like heart and grace and strength and write down exactly what you meant to say using original imagery- no cutting corners, no censoring, no sprucing up  . the outcome could be ugly..not exactly a portrait of love..but ugliness has its place and ahem charm. roll up your sleeves and lets see some dirt and blood..this is about field work ; )
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline Cyd

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Re: Butterfly
« Reply #7 on: February 15, 2012, 12:42:27 PM »

The simplicity and purity of your poem is a breath of fresh air.