Author Topic: New Chapter untitled work 356 words  (Read 1201 times)

Offline Dawn

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New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« on: February 08, 2012, 09:26:04 AM »
This is a new Chapter in my book. Can you tell me if the point of view reads ok and whose pov you think it is?

thanks



“Mr. Adams, I'll ask you again, can you tell me where you were on the night of the 14th?” The detective said as he leant across and pressed the record button on the cassette player, an old machine which had seen better days. He pulled back his chair, scratching the rubber along the floor and paced up and down, making Jonathan nervous and on edge.
“Why are you not listening to me, I've told you I don't know,” Jonathan Adams placed his hands through his greying unwashed  hair. His palms felt clammy to touch. He wiped them down on his beige khaki trousers and glanced at his watch. He had been in this room now for over an hour. “How much longer,' he thought to himself as his stomach churned. There was a pungent aroma of nervous sweat.

“Can you explain the large deposits into your bank account?”
Jonathan looked up at the Detective, a man of about 50 with a deep furrowed brow stared back at him, holding his gaze.
“You don't need to answer that Jonathan, Detective how much longer are you going to keep my client here?”
“You know the drill, Jones.”
Jonathan eye-balled his defence lawyer, Peter Jones. He had known him for years and they had become golfing buddies. Their wife's wives had met at the local college. Rebecca hated him playing golf. 'A trivial game with no skill,' she used to say. Had he made a mistake hiring a friend? Perhaps he was too close for comfort. You don't really know your friends until you're in too deep.

The Detective rifled through a selection of paperwork on the desk between them.'What did he have?' Jonathan was troubled.
“Let the record show, I am holding up evidence b, a copy of Mr. Adam's bank statement, dated June”
He held it up to Peter Jone's eye line and then to Jonathan.
“Looks like you had a good month, who'd have thought Sales would have been so profitable, eh Winston, we are in the wrong job.” A young man who seldom spoke, to the Detectives right, laughed.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2012, 02:33:18 PM by alfiemama »
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Offline wanderer

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2012, 11:18:33 AM »
Quote
record button on the cassette player,

Might be a cassette recorder?
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Offline Dawn

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2012, 12:36:44 PM »
I did think recorder Wanderer, but I already had record. But yes maybe it should be ;D
thanks.
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Offline Dibbledabble

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2012, 12:42:24 PM »
Pov? Point of view? I am new hence not sure

I would say it is Jonathan's pov, but that seams to obvious so perhaps I don't understand the question.

Unless the intention is for the detective to be inept then the cassette recorder would be running right from the beginning of the interview. The detective would not be allowed to ask questions off the record and only record the answer. I also don't think that your policeman would speak to a defence lawyer as he did. I would think that police protocol wouldn't allow it. And the bank statement date, for the record would probably have to be 'dated June 2011' or whatever year. For clarity as all is being recorded. But then this might be a scene from the 60's or 70's when police had less protocol to follow. Reads like something out of the Sweeney, but with no swearing.

All in all though a smooth and clear read. I'm just knitpicking

Dibs

Offline Dawn

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2012, 01:09:22 PM »
Ah thanks Dibs.

Sorry no trick question, yes it is from Jonathans point of view ;D ;D ;D so you have made me happy there.
I know, I did think about the recorder, I have seen on some films though were they stop the tape for a break. Maybe I need to point out though they have had a break ;D

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Offline Don

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2012, 02:16:39 PM »
This reads more like limited omniscient viewpoint, which is difficult to control. You can read more about that here:  http://www.the-writers-craft.com/omniscient-point-of-view.html

The biggest problem I see is punctuation and sentence structure. Allow me to point out:

“You know the drill, Jones.” Comma because it's a direct reference.
Jonathan eye-balled his defence lawyer, Peter Jones. He had known him for years and they had become golfing buddies. There Their wife's wives had met at the local college. Rebecca hated him playing golf. 'A trivial game with no skill,' she used to say. Had he made a mistake hiring a friend? Perhaps he was too close for comfort.

Just my humble opinion, but I think this would benefit from being written in first person.
I have a motto: when in doubt, go for the cheap laugh.

Offline Dawn

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2012, 02:29:01 PM »
Thanks Don.

Yes, it is written in a limited omniscient viewpoint. So I am pleased you have picked up on this. My first chapter was written the same but from a different character. I am unsure whether I need to carry this through, I know I want to change the character pov but not sure it has to remain limited.
Sorry, yes the grammar is a bit hit and miss. I just didn't want to go too far with this if the POV was incorrect. I was being a bit lazy.

Thanks again.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Leanna

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2012, 05:53:45 AM »
Not sure if "leant" is unique to England but it sounds odd to an American. If you're writing for a mixed audience and UK folks wouldn't hesitate too badly at "leaned" I'd go with that.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2012, 05:56:15 AM by Leanna »

Offline mfarraday

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2012, 09:38:14 PM »
i did read through this and i am not very skilled at picking out POV yet, so i just wanted to say i was wondering if you picked this up somewhere as an exercise? i could probably benefit from doing such exercises, is why i asked.

interesting post and i was wondering if you went somewhere with this or if it was just a bit of flash fiction.

Madeleine



Offline Dawn

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2012, 10:39:32 AM »
Hi Madeleine,

No this was for my second Chapter, the first being in the MC's pov. You just have to concentrate on what they would think, hear or see. I posted a link which is about POV in skip's gallery of terms.

I have decided though this isn't working for Chapter 2 as too cliched.
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Offline Katinka

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #10 on: February 11, 2012, 07:33:41 PM »
alfiemama

The detective said as he lean(ed)t across
 Jonathan is his last name necessary?(Adams) placed his hands through his greying unwashed  hair. His palms felt clammy to touch. He wiped them delete(down) on his khakis are always beige (beige) khaki trousers and glanced at his watch. There was a pungent smell(aroma) of nervous sweat.

confusion (Their wife's wives) Rebecca hated that he played golf  (him playing golf). 'A trivial game with no skill,' she used to say. Had he made a mistake hiring a friend? Perhaps he was too close for comfort. if this is a thought, italicise it (You don't really know your friends until you're in too deep.)

“Let the record show, I am holding up evidence b, a copy of Mr. Adam's bank statement, dated June(what?) ”
He held it up to Peter naw, this doesn't sound right( Jone's eye line and then to Jonathan.)

I think you need something more intense in this piece, it doesn't quite grab me. Otherwise it's good. ;D

Offline 510bhan

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #11 on: February 11, 2012, 07:39:10 PM »
past tense and past participle of lean = leant

http://dictionary.reverso.net/english-cobuild/lean%20on

I can understand wanting to appeal to as wide an audience as possible, but if the work is 'British' it would seem odd if there are references to restrooms instead of loos or toilets or an effected obsession with douches etc when that's just not true to the culture . . . therefore the correct word needs to be used IMO.

PS:- Mini rant: What the hell is a douche anyway and why would it be necessary if you have good personal feminine hygiene?
« Last Edit: February 11, 2012, 07:44:42 PM by 510bhan »
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Offline wanderer

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #12 on: February 11, 2012, 09:04:57 PM »
Waaaaay out of my area of expertise, but I remember somewhere in the old crevices of my mind that it was used as a form of birth control years ago ????
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #13 on: February 11, 2012, 09:06:12 PM »
Urban myth! ;D
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Offline wanderer

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Re: New Chapter untitled work 356 words
« Reply #14 on: February 11, 2012, 09:11:37 PM »
Well, I do know people used to believe it worked....I'm proof of it  ;)
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