Author Topic: Which is Better  (Read 685 times)

Offline Tywinters

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Which is Better
« on: February 08, 2012, 07:11:07 AM »
A. It was Thursday morning, and Oxford sat back in his chair of his second floor rented office. He looked at the letter again.

B. On Thursday morning, as Oxford arched back in his chair, letter in hand; tying hide his grief that his wife had died. He knew the handwriting.


Which is better a or b

Offline Dawn

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Re: Which is Better
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2012, 07:18:11 AM »
A) However, I would have maybe put this.

It was Thursday morning. Oxford sat back staring at the letter again, (Then mention the office) or

It was Thursday morning. Oxford sat back in his chair. On the table of his second floor rented office lay a pile of paperwork (then mention the letter)

Jmo though  ;D

Sorry edited to say, this is just how I would have written this, we all have different voices ;D
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thatollie

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Re: Which is Better
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2012, 07:19:23 AM »
Some of A and some of B and delete some of both. 

Offline Tywinters

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Re: Which is Better
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2012, 07:25:32 AM »
thanks guys. It's is most helpful.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Which is Better
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2012, 07:26:28 AM »
A is grammatically correct, B has more information -- combination of the two would be better.
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thatollie

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Re: Which is Better
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2012, 07:30:28 AM »
The first three words and last sentence of B, and both the middles need work.

Offline C.M.

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Re: Which is Better
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2012, 10:04:00 AM »
I like A, as it is more direct. "Arched back in his seat" is just a wordy way of saying 'sat.' "Second floor rented office" might be all of the scenery description I need. (It depends on what else happens in this scene. If the main action is reading the letter, then I don't really care about the furniture and the color of the walls.) "Trying to hide his grief that his wife had died" feels like an artificial way of injecting some emotion into a scene that so far does not need any emotion. I suspect the necessary and proper emotion will come from what is in the letter. If the letter is somehow related to the recent demise of Oxford's wife, then that is the best way to let us know that Oxford is grieving.

Dear Oxford,
I would have never told you this while your wife was still alive, but now that she is gone...

or however you want to handle the letter.

Your sentences feel like the very beginning of your story, also known as a hook. In a hook, you want to immediately pull the reader into some action to get them to commit to the rest of the story, so do more telling, less showing. Excise the extra words. Get to the letter as quickly as possible. You can wax poetic with elaborate description later in the story.    JMHO      C.M.