Author Topic: Valentine's Day  (Read 772 times)

Offline Vienna

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Valentine's Day
« on: February 08, 2012, 02:16:05 AM »

Well the 14th of February is approaching so I dug out an old one.



On a bed of red roses
she lies, thorns had pricked
her ivory skin,  rope burns
on ankles and feet,
crimson spray patterns the white wall,
a  bleeding heart plucked
from her skinny chest ,
the drips from the soaked duvet
the only sound and
I LOVE YOU on the once white rug
a lone reminder of Valentine’s Day
Just a well-read punk peasant

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Offline Mark H

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Re: Valentine's Day
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2012, 02:23:45 AM »
Is it for review, or is it an old one that you are happy with?
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Offline Vienna

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Re: Valentine's Day
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2012, 02:34:44 AM »
Good morning Mark. Even  when I am happy with summat it can still be reviewed.
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Offline Mark H

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Re: Valentine's Day
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2012, 03:10:02 AM »
Morning  :)

I think you could make the opening description a bit more visual. For example, rather than stating that her skin had been pricked, you could describe it; same with the rope burns.

Take care with thinks like "crimson spray patterns" because you know what you mean you've omitted the comma/line break.

Has the heart literally been plucked? If so that's another excellent opportunity for some visual. Perhaps it is still beating.

An don't forget the other senses. What does that scene smell like? Can we hear the blood dripping?

Got to go to work now. Byeeeeeeeeee

M
« Last Edit: February 08, 2012, 04:08:44 AM by Mark. »
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
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Offline Vienna

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Re: Valentine's Day
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2012, 03:25:35 AM »
thanks Mark, always appreciate your constructive comments.
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Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Valentine's Day
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2012, 11:58:59 AM »
Yes, if anything this could be yet more gruesome.
for "crimson spray pattern', you could say 'splatter.'
Enjoyed

Offline Vienna

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Re: Valentine's Day
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2012, 12:58:18 PM »
ta very much mr dashforth. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Will have a look again!
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: Valentine's Day
« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2012, 01:02:40 PM »
Maybe work the crimson spray line closer to the bed of roses -- for both the colour and 'floral' reinforcement :-\
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hillwalker3000

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Re: Valentine's Day
« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2012, 05:38:00 PM »
Mhmm

how sweet. ::)
Freddy Kruger always had a romantic touch.

It's macabre and quite original.
If I could change anything I'd seriously
reconsider your line breaks.
They hinder the flow rather than ease it along.

H3K

Offline Vienna

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Re: Valentine's Day
« Reply #9 on: February 11, 2012, 02:08:39 PM »
ta very much walker of hills. Comments appreciated.
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!