Author Topic: Torment  (Read 1637 times)

Offline Katinka

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Re: Torment
« Reply #15 on: February 12, 2012, 04:22:08 PM »
Haha, that's funny. You left me what, 30 words? Just kidding. You could just put your comments into parenthesis rather than strike-through.   ;)

Offline Mary W. Ng

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Re: Torment
« Reply #16 on: February 12, 2012, 09:55:05 PM »
Kat,

I'm glad you liked the suggestions I've made so far.  Please delete one hyphen from the dash.  It should be two hyphens, not three.  Sorry about that.

I've got a few more suggestions to make, most of them pertaining to punctuation.

Quote
Jack opened his mouth to speak but words failed him.

Jack opened his mouth to speak, but words failed him.

Quote
He hesitated then put the phone back on the receiver. What if--but how could he explain it when he didnít know himself exactly how to describe the creatures?

He hesitated and then put the phone back on the receiver.  What if--but how could he explain it when he himself didn't know exactly how to describe the creatures?

Quote
Imagining--two unearthly, demonic creatures meeting in space, tumbling to the earth, entwined in a deadly
dance--or, perhaps prehistoric predators escaped from the cavern below the city, claiming new territories.

Imagining two unearthly, demonic creatures--meeting in space, tumbling to the earth, entwined in a deadly
dance--or perhaps  prehistoric predators escaped from the cavern below the city, claiming new territories.

Quote
He should have called somebody, his brother, his father...
He should have called somebody--his brother, his father ...

Quote
A light filtered into the room, a golden beam fell on him.

A light filtered into the room, a golden beam falling on him.

Quote
A shadow appeared in the door, a hand reached around the door post and flicked on the light.

A shadow appeared in the door; a hand reached around the door post and flicked on the light.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Torment
« Reply #17 on: February 12, 2012, 10:49:26 PM »
Nice write Katrina , I enjoyed it.
I probably would have cut the last paragraph, but I look at short fiction more as a poet.
Like to keep the reader guessing. :)

Sparky

Offline Katinka

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Re: Torment
« Reply #18 on: February 13, 2012, 08:52:41 PM »
Mary,
Thanks so much. I've made the corrections and have put this story in the "Clean" file ;D

Offline Katinka

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Re: Torment
« Reply #19 on: February 13, 2012, 08:55:56 PM »
Oh thanks Sparky,

Nice write Katrina, I enjoyed it. (I did too)
I probably would have cut the last paragraph, but I look at short fiction more as a poet. ( Yeah, maybe--but I won't. The pills stay.) ;D
Like to keep the reader guessing. :) Me too at times.

Kat


Offline Mary W. Ng

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Re: Torment
« Reply #20 on: February 14, 2012, 01:40:50 PM »
Kat,

You're most welcome.  I'm glad you liked my suggestions.

I enjoyed your story. 

Mary

Offline Margarett

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Re: Torment
« Reply #21 on: February 15, 2012, 10:09:14 AM »
If my son woke up screaming during the night, I would turn on the light when coming to check on him. I like it.
Dance in the raindrops. Slide down a rainbow. Make our world a more beautiful place. Keep a smile handy and give them away.
After all they are free!  " SMILE "

Offline Katinka

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Re: Torment
« Reply #22 on: February 15, 2012, 01:39:12 PM »
Margarett,
 
;D I would, especially since Dad knew he had a problem, parents know, some don't want to know...so they pretend not to know.

Thanks,
Kat