The Wall Chapter 1 first paragraph

[Dibbledabble]

Alfiemama suggested I take my life in my hands and post this here, it started as an exercise in dialog, something I have never atempted, but I can resist writing discriptively so the the story grew legs I ended up with chapter 1 of how many? I don't know


The Wall

Chapter 1

Sorry back later with a new edited version

Thank you to those quick of the mark and advising.

It may take a day or two to re-post, hopefully improved

Dibs

Okay I have spent an hour or so musing over rewording the first paragraph of the chapter I posted yesterday. I have tried to shorten sentences and give them more cohesion. I have actually only managed to shorten by 10 words, but I did take the opportunity to add in a little more detail. (I like to build atmophere and have the reader feel they are actually there) I am hoping I have constucted the sentences better, but not lost the personal feel.

I have reposted the old paragraph first then the rewrite. I hope I am moving in the right direction.

OLD

William Price looked blankly at the plain magnolia wall opposite the second hand sofa so lumpy and uncomfortable as to make him think he may be better off sitting on the floor. The thought of that marginally more uninviting than the tired blue covers once fresh and vibrant. Now dull with stains and ground in dirt that had him sitting stiff and bolt upright minimizing his contact with his surroundings. The pile of the carpet so thread bare and worn that in places the weave was beginning to show, these patches the only place the small wiry dog hairs hadn’t stubbornly embed themselves. The odour of the overweight mutt, stale cigarettes and the undesirable habits of the previous tenants permeated up obnoxiously from the floor.  This alone was enough of a reason to rise again and checking the time on his phone.


NEW

William Price stared blankly at the plain magnolia wall and shifted uncomfortably .The lumpy second hand sofa with its tired blue covers once fresh and vibrant only marginally better than sitting on the floor. The sofa, now dull with stains and ground in dirt had him sitting stiff and bolt upright to minimize his contact with his surroundings. The pile of the carpet was so thread bare and worn that in places the weave was beginning to show. These patches the only place the small wiry dog hairs hadn’t stubbornly embed themselves. An obnoxiously odour permeated from the floor. Overweight mutts, stale cigarettes and undesirable habits of the previous tenants had William taking shallow breaths. This alone was reason enough to rise again and checking the time on his phone.


Thanks

Dibs

Thanks

Dibs

[Skip Slocum]

Dibble, the rules state a max of 2,000 words per post. I need you to click on the modify button and nix 198 words.

As a reminder, take a look at our regs and limits page.

http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/topic,24729.0.html

[510bhan]

Some of the close observational detail is good, in other parts it felt grossly overwritten to me. I liked the information but I didn't like the overly long, sentence construction in many places.

This one really bugged me for some reason:
It was just as William had freed the over painted latch on the sash window and was pulling up against the bottom window trying to break the yellowed gloss seal that held the window to the frame that the doorbell rang.
I think it annoyed me because the sentence deals with several things, which I believe would be improved with some trimming:
William struggled to free the over painted latch on the sash window and pulled against the bottom to break its yellowed gloss seal. The doorbell rang.


He doubted that, so made content with the image in his mind of interest behind the lime render and gypsum patches that appeared smooth at first sight but was a mixture of painted in gouges and painted over lumps as a convenient and quick way of masking undesirable filth.
I think this sentence would be better positioned before you dream of the Victorian brick. Break it up a bit and focus on how horrible it it then have the MC yearning to chip back the disgusting old plaster IMO.

Something like this?

He looked closer. The landlord's convenient and quick way of masking undesirable filth disgusted him. Behind the lime render and gypsum, patches that appeared smooth at first sight were a mixture of painted in gouges and painted over lumps. He wondered if the bland magnolia wall was built of the same Victorian brick, and if the landlord would he would be allowed allow him to strip off the plaster and expose it. He doubted it.

All JMO

[Dibbledabble]

510bhan

I certainly do need to reorganize my sentences, you picked up on a weakness I know exists, your examples are most useful. I have to cut his piece down as I hadn't realized it was to long to post in anycase. It will be a useful exercise in what you demonstated.

I think I will remove it and practice. See how I get on and bring it back leaner an meaner

Dibs

[Dawn]

Well done Dibs

Do you know what I would do? I would go through this and take out any word you don't need, and see what you are left with.

for example your first few sentences, I would change from this, to this.



William Price looked blankly at the plain magnolia wall opposite the second hand sofa so lumpy and uncomfortable as to make him think he may be better off sitting on the floor. The thought of that marginally more uninviting than the tired blue covers once fresh and vibrant.


William Price stared at the second hand sofa, lumpy and uncomfortable (perhaps bulging) with it's tired blue covers. 'He would be better off sitting on the floor,' he thought to himself.  

Jmo though

[Dibbledabble]

so I can't remove it! But I have to chop 200 words. I don't see that that helps.

Do I have to ask a mod to remove it? If I just cut 200 words then the story will make no sense, but I can work on it live, while others are commenting. I need to re-post shortened, the common sense thing would be to take your advice (510Bhan) but work on it in word an represent it.

What is the protocol here?

[510bhan]

All you do is click on modify -- chop/remove/edit what you want, 'preview' it to make sure it's what you want, then click 'save' with the new version.

[510bhan]

I'd remove the last 2 paragraphs and post them after you have had some more replies. The structure where work is needed seems to be in the early part of the piece.

[Dibbledabble]

To late, besides its time for bed. No point in leaving the first part up to get the same pointers. They are valid, I WILL be back

[Skip Slocum]

Good for you Dib. Take your time and repost it when it's ready.

[Sam Cooper]

Darn I missed this.

I wanted to comment about 'no use getting the same pointers' - Actually there is, because the more people pick out those same errors/points, the more you should know there is a reason not to argue and a reason for change. Also, another critiquer may not believe those pointers need changing, and so you get everyone's pov why and have more to go on.

Don't get nervous about receiving a critique, we all do it, had it done. Don't take it personal. It's only about the writing.

I'm unsure why writers need to post 2k of their words. For me, I don't need to see a complete story to Blockedyse the writing.

Looking forward to see.

Sam

[Dibbledabble]

Sam, It will be back, the comments made by the early arrivals where conclusive and something that I recognized as soon as they were said. So a good exercise. I am actually not worried about the critique (to much) I am getting used to it. I just feel sometimes the terminology used could be a little less like a piece of 4X2" over the head.

I am planning on working on the over long and mixed sentences tonight, not sure how that will go, if well then re-post late tonight. I am interested in the dialog style

Sorry to disappoint, but by redressing the obvious frailty first it will highlight other 'issues' and perhaps show some strengths too


Dibs

[Dawn]

I'm sorry Dibs, I feel it was my fault you feel you got hit with 4x2.

Please don't be put off. I think you have been potential. You just need to tweak

[Dibbledabble]

not at all Alfiemama, everythings just fine. back soon with the new improved. After all thats what it's about. weeding out the weaknesses and exporing new avenues

[510bhan]

NEW

William Price stared blankly at the plain magnolia wall and shifted uncomfortably. The lumpy second hand sofa with its tired blue covers, once fresh and vibrant, offered only marginally better seating than sitting on the floor. The sofa, now dull with stains and ground in dirt had him sitting stiff and bolt upright to minimize his contact with his surroundings. The carpet pile of the carpet was so threadbare and worn that in places, the weave was beginning began to show. These bald patches were the only placespots/areas the small wiry dog hairs hadn’t stubbornly embedded themselves. An obnoxiously odour permeated from the floor. Overweight mutts, stale cigarettes and undesirable habits of the previous tenants had William taking shallow breaths, This alone was reason enough to rise again and checking the time on his phone.

JMO