Some of the close observational detail is good, in other parts it felt grossly overwritten to me. I liked the information but I
didn't like the overly long, sentence construction in many places.
This one really bugged me for some reason:
It was just as William had freed the
over painted latch on the
sash window and was pulling up against the
bottom window trying to break the
yellowed gloss seal that held the window to the frame that the doorbell rang.
I think it annoyed me because the sentence deals with several things, which I believe would be improved with some trimming:
William struggled to free the over painted latch on the sash window and pulled against the bottom to break its yellowed gloss seal. The doorbell rang.
He doubted that, so made content with the image in his mind of interest behind the lime render and gypsum patches that appeared smooth at first sight but was a mixture of painted in gouges and painted over lumps as a convenient and quick way of masking undesirable filth.
I think this sentence would be better positioned
before you dream of the Victorian brick. Break it up a bit and focus on how horrible it it then have the MC yearning to chip back the disgusting old plaster IMO.
Something like this?
He looked closer. The landlord's convenient and quick way of masking undesirable filth disgusted him. Behind the lime render and gypsum, patches that appeared smooth at first sight were a mixture of painted in gouges and painted over lumps. He wondered if the bland magnolia wall was built of the same Victorian brick, and if
the landlord would he would be allowed
allow him to strip off the plaster and expose it. He doubted it.
All JMO
