Author Topic: wiped  (Read 1219 times)

drafty posh shark

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wiped
« on: February 07, 2012, 04:22:42 PM »
wiped
« Last Edit: March 31, 2012, 09:17:25 AM by Mlambere »

Online indar

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Re: The body
« Reply #1 on: February 08, 2012, 03:06:47 AM »
Hi Mlam,
I read this earlier, wandered off to look up ballon and am surprised to see no one has yet commented. Ballon is a spherical object, large ball, or lightfootedness as in ballet. Or perhaps you meant the more standard "balloon". In any case the first couple of lines are puzzling. Would it be more to the point to just say:

The afternoon light
toasts marhmallows
skewered on bony heights

I think I would like this piece more if it was written in the present tense.

The men who trawl---I have seen something similar I believe---trying to get the backed up half-frozen slush to run down the street drains---is that what you are describing?

Some good images here but perhaps some need for clarification. I'm glad i don't have to deal with winter anymore.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: The body
« Reply #2 on: February 08, 2012, 11:54:42 AM »
Hi M

An attractive poem with lots of interesting visuals M.
I do agree with Indar regarding the opening lines. Present tense
would work better also.

Needs polishing but its got something new to say.

Best

sparky

Offline Amie

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Re: The body
« Reply #3 on: February 08, 2012, 12:00:24 PM »
I like this one a lot, but I have no idea what it is about, so I am trying to figure out why I like it. A lot of it seems like nonsense (my apologies, I mean that in the best way possible - it seems like nonsense, but I still like it. Why?). I think it might be partially because of the sonics, which are very pleasant, and partly because of the visuals which are a bit surreal without seeming forced.

I don't like the word 'glop' if that is any consolation :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

hillwalker3000

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Re: The body
« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2012, 05:34:30 PM »
An original piece in choice of words and subject matter...

I would question the 'toasting marshmallows' image -
rather too cosy for a poem about a dead body, wouldn't you say?

and 'except for flesh/not fresh' again sounds flippant.

I'm uncertain what your stance is on this one -
are you mocking the murder or merely observing
with a cold Blockedytical scalpel rather than a pen in your hand?

H3K

Online indar

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Re: The body
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2012, 08:53:00 PM »
Oh I didn't get the gist of this at all. I thought the not-so-fresh flesh referred to how it feels in spring to get out of the woolies and into a spring thaw. In that case---yes the toasted marshmallows seem a little out of place but a fun description of the visual for the current poetry contest. Perhaps in a second spring poem?

hillwalker3000

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Re: The body
« Reply #6 on: February 09, 2012, 05:42:32 PM »
Agreed - and I wasn't trying to criticise in a negative way
whether you were mocking or merely observing independently...
That's irrelevant in the whole scheme of things
but for the reader to engage with the writer it can
be confusing trying to work out whether he/she
is being serious or sardonic.
I think in this one you were aiming for the former
but some of the metaphors are perhaps inappropriate,

H3K

Offline Mark H

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Re: The body
« Reply #7 on: February 10, 2012, 03:36:13 AM »
I like it. The title is of course key and it's interesting how much little weight readers place on it. I've noticed this before and always wondered why.

Nice one Mark.

M
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Offline Amie

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Re: The body
« Reply #8 on: February 10, 2012, 07:19:09 AM »
The title didn't help me. Sometimes I can be so thick! :) I thought it was like, a personification of nature - like, 'the body of winter' (don't ask me why, I often get confused like that :) )
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline Mark H

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Re: The body
« Reply #9 on: February 10, 2012, 07:51:11 AM »
I suspect "The Corpse" would work just as well. The enjoyment in this piece is in the use of words, so signposting the meaning in the title loses nothing IMO.

M
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Offline duck

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Re: The body
« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2012, 11:03:50 AM »
I guess all has been said. For me without the tital it would be indecipherable and even then is just about understandable. Having said that I enjoy the sonics and its unique sense of its own world. I am not sure about the use of "would" referring the ravens - who says this and why and in the end which is the real scene before or after the ravens?
Duck

Offline drab

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Re: The body
« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2012, 08:08:34 PM »
.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Online indar

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Re: The body
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2012, 10:26:32 PM »
Whats with Drab tonight: first he was walking around smiling---now hes walking around with a blank expression on his face.

Offline Vienna

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Re: The body
« Reply #13 on: February 11, 2012, 02:44:05 PM »
I like it, that's all.
Just a well-read punk peasant

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