Without Words

[indar]

Without Words

She sits in the attic
with her brother's old accordion
for what seems hours.
The bellows wheeze minor chords
in long draughts:
as far as she can extend her arm
out and back:
the breath of a dying animal,
a voice for a silent child.

[Amie]

I like it, but I have two nit picky comments:

- is it 'droughts' or 'draughts' ?

- has this woman got really short arms (like a T. Rex) or a really long accordion?

[indar]

Thanks for checking that wrong word <~~embarrassed. This would be a child whose arms will grow some day. I saw a T-shirt the other day, you can summon up the visual---It said "Why T. Rexes really hate to do push-ups".

[indar]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVAIVhBgQjQ&feature=related

The left hand plays all pre-determined chords

[SparkyDashforth]

Like it also

but I would give it a more active feel and cut a couple of lines, like this:

She sits in the attic
with her brother's old accordion,
extends her arms out and back.
The bellows wheeze minor chords
the breath of a dying animal, or a voice
for a silent child.

 

[duck]

Hi Indar,
I like this, this is sweet.
Like too the shuffle that Sparky undertook, it seems slightly easier to follow the order of events.
Duck
Good write

[indar]

Thanks Duck

This is, of course, autobiographical. I fell into the grips of what i would later understand to be clinical depression at an early age. It didn't help that I read horribly sad animal stories---Black beauty was the least of these---over and over. The accordion was a way of "howling" my pain in the seclusion (read hiding place) of the attic. I think, from the reaction I've gotten on this one it missed the mark---I may expand on it some day.

[bobthebuilder]

I like it. Nice imagery. Short and sweet.

[indar]

Thank you Bob

[indar]

Hi Eric,
Thanks for the rewrite. I looked at it when you first posted it--went off to think about it and forgot to answer . Either I have written too much, as you point out, or I not enough. The feeling I wanted to convey is the amount of effort that the girl puts into playing the accordian which is in no way musical---just a way of losing herself in one long minor chord after another.

[510bhan]

Maybe incoporate something about the playing then . . . the longer the reach, the note, the chord, the longer she could forget her current reality?

[indar]

Yeah, Sio, it definately needs more. I think I will use this one as a sketch for a longer poem. I haven't put much effort in on anything lately. Just these short exercises I've been doing.

[pencil]

I'd like more verses.  As someone who writes short like this I do understand .  But I feel you could go on and  I'd love to see more.
I like what you've written so far.  For a suggestion, I would change the first word.  "she" is almost cliched well, maybe not cliched but not really as strong as you could get for such a strong poem.  Maybe try for something a little more personal as in a real name or even,
' his sister sat in the attic
with her brothers accordian'

[indar]

Thank you pencil. I think I have been trying to say too much in too few words lately. Off I go to think things over for a while. Thank you for bringing this forward for your comments, it helps me see a pattern.

[drab]

After reading your explanation the poem reads beautifully...
The question now is how to write it so we don't need the explanation?
It is a nice poem i, I'd try to continue the style and not make it too wordy.
Regards