Author Topic: Without Words  (Read 1141 times)

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3744
    • View Profile
Without Words
« on: February 07, 2012, 12:29:30 PM »
Without Words

She sits in the attic
with her brother's old accordion
for what seems hours.
The bellows wheeze minor chords
in long draughts:
as far as she can extend her arm
out and back:
the breath of a dying animal,
a voice for a silent child.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2012, 12:59:00 PM by indar »

Offline Amie

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8461
    • View Profile
    • threegeese
Re: Without Words
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2012, 12:55:16 PM »
I like it, but I have two nit picky comments:

- is it 'droughts' or 'draughts' ?

- has this woman got really short arms (like a T. Rex) or a really long accordion?

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3744
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2012, 01:03:34 PM »
Thanks for checking that wrong word ;D<~~embarrassed. This would be a child whose arms will grow some day. I saw a T-shirt the other day, you can summon up the visual---It said "Why T. Rexes really hate to do push-ups".

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3744
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2012, 01:28:33 PM »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVAIVhBgQjQ&feature=related

The left hand plays all pre-determined chords

Offline SparkyDashforth

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3812
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2012, 02:39:38 PM »
Like it also

but I would give it a more active feel and cut a couple of lines, like this:

She sits in the attic
with her brother's old accordion,
extends her arms out and back.
The bellows wheeze minor chords
the breath of a dying animal, or a voice
for a silent child.

 ;)



Offline duck

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2926
  • The best laid plans of mice and men turn to ...
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2012, 05:45:26 PM »
Hi Indar,
I like this, this is sweet.
Like too the shuffle that Sparky undertook, it seems slightly easier to follow the order of events.
Duck
Good write

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3744
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2012, 07:15:46 PM »
Thanks Duck

This is, of course, autobiographical. I fell into the grips of what i would later understand to be clinical depression at an early age. It didn't help that I read horribly sad animal stories---Black beauty was the least of these---over and over. The accordion was a way of "howling" my pain in the seclusion (read hiding place) of the attic. I think, from the reaction I've gotten on this one it missed the mark---I may expand on it some day.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2012, 07:19:28 PM by indar »

Offline bobthebuilder

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 102
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2012, 08:05:42 PM »
I like it. Nice imagery. Short and sweet.

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3744
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2012, 08:40:29 PM »
Thank you Bob

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3744
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2012, 02:44:10 AM »
Hi Eric,
Thanks for the rewrite. I looked at it when you first posted it--went off to think about it and forgot to answer ;D. Either I have written too much, as you point out, or I not enough. The feeling I wanted to convey is the amount of effort that the girl puts into playing the accordian which is in no way musical---just a way of losing herself in one long minor chord after another.

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63376
  • So many jobs to do . . .
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2012, 07:27:46 PM »
Maybe incoporate something about the playing then . . . the longer the reach, the note, the chord, the longer she could forget her current reality?

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3744
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2012, 10:54:15 PM »
Yeah, Sio, it definately needs more. I think I will use this one as a sketch for a longer poem. I haven't put much effort in on anything lately. Just these short exercises I've been doing.

Offline pencil

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 203
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2012, 12:55:02 AM »
I'd like more verses.  As someone who writes short like this I do understand .  But I feel you could go on and  I'd love to see more.
I like what you've written so far.  For a suggestion, I would change the first word.  "she" is almost cliched well, maybe not cliched but not really as strong as you could get for such a strong poem.  Maybe try for something a little more personal as in a real name or even,
' his sister sat in the attic
with her brothers accordian'




Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3744
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2012, 02:53:24 AM »
Thank you pencil. I think I have been trying to say too much in too few words lately. Off I go to think things over for a while. Thank you for bringing this forward for your comments, it helps me see a pattern.

Offline drab

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3894
    • View Profile
Re: Without Words
« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2012, 10:09:34 AM »
After reading your explanation the poem reads beautifully...
The question now is how to write it so we don't need the explanation?
It is a nice poem i, I'd try to continue the style and not make it too wordy.
Regards