Author Topic: Without Words  (Read 1118 times)

Offline indar

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Without Words
« on: February 07, 2012, 12:29:30 PM »
Without Words

She sits in the attic
with her brother's old accordion
for what seems hours.
The bellows wheeze minor chords
in long draughts:
as far as she can extend her arm
out and back:
the breath of a dying animal,
a voice for a silent child.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2012, 12:59:00 PM by indar »

Offline Amie

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2012, 12:55:16 PM »
I like it, but I have two nit picky comments:

- is it 'droughts' or 'draughts' ?

- has this woman got really short arms (like a T. Rex) or a really long accordion?
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline indar

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2012, 01:03:34 PM »
Thanks for checking that wrong word ;D<~~embarrassed. This would be a child whose arms will grow some day. I saw a T-shirt the other day, you can summon up the visual---It said "Why T. Rexes really hate to do push-ups".

Offline indar

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2012, 01:28:33 PM »
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVAIVhBgQjQ&feature=related

The left hand plays all pre-determined chords

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2012, 02:39:38 PM »
Like it also

but I would give it a more active feel and cut a couple of lines, like this:

She sits in the attic
with her brother's old accordion,
extends her arms out and back.
The bellows wheeze minor chords
the breath of a dying animal, or a voice
for a silent child.

 ;)



Offline duck

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2012, 05:45:26 PM »
Hi Indar,
I like this, this is sweet.
Like too the shuffle that Sparky undertook, it seems slightly easier to follow the order of events.
Duck
Good write

Offline indar

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2012, 07:15:46 PM »
Thanks Duck

This is, of course, autobiographical. I fell into the grips of what i would later understand to be clinical depression at an early age. It didn't help that I read horribly sad animal stories---Black beauty was the least of these---over and over. The accordion was a way of "howling" my pain in the seclusion (read hiding place) of the attic. I think, from the reaction I've gotten on this one it missed the mark---I may expand on it some day.
« Last Edit: February 07, 2012, 07:19:28 PM by indar »

Offline bobthebuilder

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2012, 08:05:42 PM »
I like it. Nice imagery. Short and sweet.
Losers quit when they get tired. Winners quit when they win.

Offline indar

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2012, 08:40:29 PM »
Thank you Bob

Offline indar

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2012, 02:44:10 AM »
Hi Eric,
Thanks for the rewrite. I looked at it when you first posted it--went off to think about it and forgot to answer ;D. Either I have written too much, as you point out, or I not enough. The feeling I wanted to convey is the amount of effort that the girl puts into playing the accordian which is in no way musical---just a way of losing herself in one long minor chord after another.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2012, 07:27:46 PM »
Maybe incoporate something about the playing then . . . the longer the reach, the note, the chord, the longer she could forget her current reality?
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Offline indar

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2012, 10:54:15 PM »
Yeah, Sio, it definately needs more. I think I will use this one as a sketch for a longer poem. I haven't put much effort in on anything lately. Just these short exercises I've been doing.

Offline pencil

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #12 on: February 12, 2012, 12:55:02 AM »
I'd like more verses.  As someone who writes short like this I do understand .  But I feel you could go on and  I'd love to see more.
I like what you've written so far.  For a suggestion, I would change the first word.  "she" is almost cliched well, maybe not cliched but not really as strong as you could get for such a strong poem.  Maybe try for something a little more personal as in a real name or even,
' his sister sat in the attic
with her brothers accordian'



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Offline indar

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #13 on: February 12, 2012, 02:53:24 AM »
Thank you pencil. I think I have been trying to say too much in too few words lately. Off I go to think things over for a while. Thank you for bringing this forward for your comments, it helps me see a pattern.

Offline drab

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Re: Without Words
« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2012, 10:09:34 AM »
After reading your explanation the poem reads beautifully...
The question now is how to write it so we don't need the explanation?
It is a nice poem i, I'd try to continue the style and not make it too wordy.
Regards
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