Author Topic: Deleted for now.  (Read 618 times)

Offline bishopbrad

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Deleted for now.
« on: February 07, 2012, 03:40:31 AM »
This is more of just a writing exercise so that I can learn the basics and get input. Thanks

« Last Edit: February 10, 2012, 07:37:19 AM by bishopbrad »


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Re: Part of a short story.
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2012, 08:33:50 AM »
Hi there,

I hope this isn’t quite finished because we all need to know the outcome. As it stands it’s a reasonable effort – but it needs a little tidying up here and there.

For such a short piece you might consider reducing the number of characters.
Patrick Raymond, Laurence Whitney, Timmy Flanders, John Rodgers, Mrs Pierre, Mrs Bangkors and Mrs Willis.
That’s 7 names in the opening 3 paragraphs - a lot to keep track of, especially as most of them play a very minor role in the plot.

I was also confused – why didn’t Patrick tell the teacher he wasn’t the one who set off the firework? Presumably he had no wish to get anybody else in trouble – but if so this needs explaining.

Another few things to consider

– you tell us that Patrick jumped a bit but ‘a bit’ is rather weak and might be better left out

- coolly like – no need for ‘like’

- Patrick thought people like this were pathetic and belonged in the special class. – it’s not clear who these people are or why Patrick despises them. I suppose you meant John – but it could just as easily be Mrs Pierre, behaving inappropriately by walking into the boys’ toilets.

- her knowing peepers – I realise you’re trying to include some humour here but it’s an awkward expression. Perhaps ‘her X-Ray peepers’ might be better

- She walked into the Quiet room where she did a thorough search to insure the delinquent didn’t have anything else to attempt to bring down the schooling system.
‘insure’ should be ‘ensure’ – and the underlined bit is long-winded and quite confusing.

and finally

- If I winds up in a murdering rampage of the school, I’ll be the first to say, ‘ I told you so.’ ” needs rewriting so that it makes better sense.

A good attempt though for a first posting.


Offline Laura H

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Re: Part of a short story.
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2012, 09:52:53 AM »
Hi Bishopbrad,

Please go introduce yourself on the Welcome board,1.0.html

Thanks & welcome-
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty

Offline bishopbrad

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Re: Part of a short story.
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2012, 04:03:20 PM »
thanks hillwalker.
Thanks for the advice. Its good to have another set of eyes. Sometimes we forget to explain things that we consider obvious. I did make some changes and will have the story finished
and post it. I know its not such a hot story but I am attempting to learn to create scenes with some brief exercises.

Offline Katinka

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Re: Part of a short story.
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2012, 09:57:20 PM »

Hi, welcome to the forum. Nice beginning, but--not much, just a lot of characters to deal with it right off. Patrick, Laurence, John and 3 kids--first and last names at that.
the women...
Which one of these characters is the main one whose head we are in?

Very entertaining. Nice work, visual, moving, funny and true to life.


Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Part of a short story.
« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2012, 10:18:30 AM »
I joined your lines to create paragraphs. You can do the same even after posting by clicking Modify in the upper right corner and then editing out all the extra spaced that are currently breaking up your sentences. This will make your work much easier to read. Don't forget to leave extra white space between paragraphs. When you are finished editing, be sure to click Save.

I only worked on a small section of your work, adding comments in red.
I hope it is of some help.

This is more of just a writing exercise so that I can learn the basics and get input. Thanks

“Pop pop pop” Patrick jumped a bit at the sound. He opened the bathroom door and saw the smoke. 3 of the older kids were looking into the trash can. They were laughing. Laurence Whitney was the first to run. Timmy Flenders handed Patrick a string of poppers and then walked out cooly like. John Rodgers just went back to peeing.

If you are starting a sentence with a number, spell it out. Three, not 3.

A bunch of the students came running in from the art room and then the girls from the girls room. Mrs. Pierre, the art teacher opened the door. Patrick was standing there looking as guilty as could be. John Rodgers stood at the urinal with his pants and underwear at his shoes. Patrick thought people like this were pathetic and belonged in the special class.

Were there only boys in the art room and is it important to tell where the students came from? If not, I suggest you rework this. Generally the word students refers to both boys and girls.
      “ What is the meaning of this? Patrick Raymond. Are you attempting to burn down the school?” She turned to the trash can and tossed her hot coffee into the smoke. She then filled her cup and doused the can with several cups of water. Mrs. Pierre grabbed him by the ear and led him to Principal Bankgors office. Most of the students followed. Mrs. Bankgors was holding some folders and the secretary, Mrs Willis, hung up the phone in response to this newly created mob. She just looked at Patrick with her knowing peepers.

"What is the meaning of this Patrick Raymond? (It reads strange to have his name separated from the question.)  Think what you would do first if you entered a bathroom where there was a fire - would you first accuse someone of starting the fire or would you first tend to the fire?
I find "peepers" in this context to be off-putting. Why not simply say something to the effect that she gave him a knowing look?

“ Barbara,  What has he done now?” She turned to Mrs. Pierre exasperated.

It's been many years since I was in school. Do teachers and office staff call each other by first names rather than Mr. this or Mrs. that in the presence of students in schools today?

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