Author Topic: My Front Door in the Dark  (Read 1203 times)

Offline indar

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My Front Door in the Dark
« on: February 06, 2012, 06:13:37 PM »
My Front Door in the Dark

The door to my house
on my staked out claim:
a square piece of earth.
There's nothing to indicate
if it extends to the global center--
or how far the real estate reach
into space.

I don't know my claim to this cosmos
plunged every day toward the future:
certainly less of that now
than the past.
What a ride.
Think of it, my dear,
we have no idea where we've been
much less where we're going.

*******************************
My Front Door in the Dark (revision)

The door to my house
on my staked out claim:
a square piece of earth.
There's nothing to indicate
if it extends to the global center--
or how far my earthly reach
into space.

I don't know my claim to this cosmos
plunged every day toward the future
(certainly less of that now
than the past)
a path followed in a featureless forest.
Think of it, my dear,
we have no idea where we've been
much less where we're going.

***********************************

My Front Door in the Dark (second revision)

The door to my house
on my staked out plot:
a square piece of earth.
There's nothing to indicate
if it extends to the global center--
or how far my estate reaches
in space.

I don't know
the extent of my claim to this cosmos
plunged every day toward the future
(certainly less of that now
than the past)
a path in a featureless forest.
Think of it, my dear,
we have no idea where we've been
much less where we're going.





« Last Edit: February 06, 2012, 09:27:05 PM by indar »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2012, 06:17:51 PM »
So you own rather than rent? ;D ;D

Try it phrasing the questions as statements for a more committed observation IMO.

I like it -- nice speculation without being preachy. ;) ;) ;)
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Offline indar

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2012, 06:45:35 PM »
Thanks Sio,
Took your advice and changed it to all statements---better? Yeah I own---doesn't add any sense of security, just a few more headaches:(
« Last Edit: February 06, 2012, 06:47:06 PM by indar »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2012, 07:20:10 PM »
I prefer it this way. Others may not -- but I'm reading for my enjoyment! ;D ;D ;D

reach ->>> reaches

don't ->>> didn't :-\
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Offline indar

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2012, 07:33:10 PM »
I thought when i wrote it "reaches" was going to be a problem. My intent: "real estate" describes what kind of reach---not so good huh? I have a book titled Poets Companionthat I take out when I simply can't get started on my own imposed daily writing assignment. There are many suggestions for writing and one was to write a poem that asks questions----so I did--- but this reads better as statements I think. My writing feels flat as a pancake lately. I don't understand your suggestion I change don't into didn't. I am trying to learn grammer on the hoof (at my rather ripe age) and appreciate corrections very much. I guess we are dealing with past and present tenses why wouldn't I use the present tense "don't"?
Again, thanks.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2012, 07:40:51 PM »

Nice work Indar,

but that 'real estate' phrase is bugging me. I know what you mean.
You mean the reality of your consciousness and perception, its locality,
but its not clear in the words.  The line "what a ride' is almost a cliche now
and I would not use it in a poem.
Good concluding lines.

Sparks


Offline 510bhan

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2012, 07:45:05 PM »
don't know = do not know (am not knowing) . . . plunged every day = mixed tenses
do not know . . . (if) . . . plunges every day
[sounds awkward even though it might be correct as they are both present tense now, maybe 'is plunging']

either 'didn't know' or 'never knew' . . . plunged every day

I'd go for 'never knew'.

If you don't like reaches, maybe 'might/can reach'
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Offline indar

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #7 on: February 06, 2012, 07:51:34 PM »
Thank you Eric,
What would you think of the spiraled reach into space. I can't decide if that says the same thing or not. Perhaps there will be an entire stanza where "what a ride" is now---gotta ruminate on that one.

Offline indar

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #8 on: February 06, 2012, 07:55:58 PM »
I don't know (the limits or definitions) of my claim which is plunged every day into the future. Is the wording too confusing perhaps?

Offline 510bhan

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2012, 08:03:44 PM »
Plunged every day into the future
I don't know the limits of my claim :-\ :-\ :-\
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Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #10 on: February 06, 2012, 08:15:21 PM »
I think "Spiraled into space" is too blah
keep it grounded Indar.
Real estate means land, your earth your body and mind
that's your domain, plot. It might be huge but its all you. Everything else is the back yard.
« Last Edit: February 06, 2012, 08:23:33 PM by SparkyDashforth »

Offline indar

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #11 on: February 06, 2012, 08:59:37 PM »
Well Eric, I tend to wind up in the back yard all too often :)

I may have shifted my original meaning somewhat---this sounds a little as though I am making the case that we are hapless wanderers ---I want to say that although there is no external way to orient ourselves re "the big questions" we each have our own grounding---or the potential for it. What was it about the real estate phrase that bugged you---just that I should have changed it to "reaches" as Sio suggests?

Sio, I will do another edit and try "the extent of my claim"
Thanks
« Last Edit: February 06, 2012, 09:15:15 PM by indar »

Offline indar

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #12 on: February 06, 2012, 09:12:26 PM »
OK I've done a third version---no such thing as a charm.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #13 on: February 06, 2012, 09:15:55 PM »
Real estate reminds me of Realtor and the business of buying and selling.
Now if you changed it to 'my estate' that would be fine.
The American 'plat' (not used in Britain much), might work.

Offline indar

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Re: My Front Door in the Dark
« Reply #14 on: February 06, 2012, 09:17:51 PM »
Yes indeed---my estate---I'll get right on it
Thanks Eric