Author Topic: My Grandfather, My Champion  (Read 866 times)

Offline sjhunt2005

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My Grandfather, My Champion
« on: February 06, 2012, 05:55:08 PM »
MY GRANDFATHER, MY CHAMPION (10-05-09)
    
Fortitude. A word he emailed me one day,
Along with the definition, which describes him
more than me. He saw something I couldn’t see.
 
I did not know my grief would be so deep,
I would have called him on Friday or Saturday,
When I could talk to him without taking his strength
I lost him yesterday, on his favorite day, a Sunday
 
My Grandfather is more than this moniker proclaims.
He is my guardian angel, as well as my best friend.
He was my best answer and my best champion.
 
We talked to each other privately.
He never once came down on me.
He knew his words would stay with me.
They encouraged me, he believed in me.
 
Grandpa, when you first met me, I wasn’t afraid.
I knew this in my heart even as a babe.
 
You saw me clearly, you held on to me dearly
The kindness of your smile, your chuckle so gentle,
You lifted me high up into your arms.
 
You brought me face to face with you
I saw my mother’s eyes, a crystal clear bright blue.
I could feel her heart beating… deep down inside of you.
I wasn’t but a few days old, but that was when I knew.
I laughed for the first time, a real giggly goo.
 
I was hypnotized by your serenity as I looked back at you.
 
Your silver hair, your smooth face, so easy to reach out and touch.
Your tallness, your grace, your ease, your love has meant so much.
You loved me from the beginning and I’ve always known as such.
 
You woke up my tiny spirit , in that one single day.
Your face, your vibration introduced another way.
You introduced me to salvation.
Grandpa, you never let me down.
 
Years later, you came to me, I was hurting deeply
You reached for me when I was sick, you believed in me.
You sent me roses, two dozen at least with a simple sentence or two
“My dear, I love you, and Jesus loves you too.”
You gave me your love and  your strength to hold onto.
 
I hear you, whisper softly in my ear.
“My baby girl, my Susie Jo
Don’t give in, don’t let go.
You know I’ve been where you have been.
You have been there and back again.
 
I’m not far, I see you and I know you feel me now.
William, is one among many protecting you somehow.”
 
I dream and see you, William, meeting Grandpa now!
As well as all of the others, you ascend arm in arm.
 
Thomas Duncan Bloodworth, you are timeless.
I see you as brand new. Your Silver Soul is brighter than gold.
I can never repay you, unless I listen and follow you.
I’m not afraid, I’ll be there too, walking between the both of you.
 
Until then, I still cry, I’ve lost my dearest ally.
Then you come to me and let me know this is not the end!
I will not have to remember you! You are with me still!
I see you flying over me, as you perform God’s will.
« Last Edit: February 09, 2012, 04:31:52 AM by sjhunt2005 »
Addictions are horrible afflictions, but at least they stick by you through thick and thin...

I don't walk through the valley of death, I run like a crazy person...

Offline 510bhan

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Re: My Grandfather, My Champion
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2012, 06:03:02 PM »
Hi Susan -- I can appreciate this would be fitting for a reading at your grandfather's funeral and would honour his memory, but on a more poetic level I think the reader needs more of 'him' rather than what he did for you in this piece.

Far too many 'you' as if addressing him -- I'd cut back on those and encapsulate events that show his caring and understanding more. Him actually enjoying pizza with you when you were down [specify 'down'], even though it played havoc with his dentures -- type of thing, feeling strength transfer in his grip when his frail hand squeezed yours when you were distressed by . . .

Crikey I'm crap at explaining myself -- maybe you can go on a mind-reading course to augment this drivel I've come out with. Hope you get my drift. ;) ;) ;)
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: My Grandfather, My Champion
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2012, 08:24:35 PM »
That's fine -- keep it real and describe how you responded to his calls/emails. Was he psychic? Did he always know just when to call? [let the reader know what you were doing, or what you dropped/stopped doing when you recognised his voice, similarly his details] Did he make you screen splutter? Did you call him? What did the ringing phone mean to you in hard times? Did you have a ring tone for him? If you didn't -- what would be fitting for him?


Lots can still be done. ;) ;) ;) ;)
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Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: My Grandfather, My Champion
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2012, 12:26:25 AM »
I agree with Sio's promptings and suggestions.
Did you forget that you were writing a poem here?
When poets pour their heart out like this, they often miss the heart of a poem.
You need to show your grandfather and not talk about your emotions.
Also, keep it real. No angels and harps please.
Way too long to get to any point.

 

Offline Mary W. Ng

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Re: My Grandfather, My Champion
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2012, 01:59:27 AM »
I'm not well-versed in poetry writing.  However, I think changing baby to babe will make the verse sound better. There's also a typo.  It should be I was but a few days old




Offline Dibbledabble

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Re: My Grandfather, My Champion
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2012, 03:37:40 AM »
New here and new to reviewing, I hope what I say is in a positive vain.

I found the 'Poem' a little long and meanduring. I don't see a problem with making it personal, but what you relate needs to strike a chord with the reader. Something that makes them see that invisible bond. There is plenty of material to draw from.

I had a wonderful grandad too, If by reading about your grandpa it reconnects me with mine then it would be a lovely and worthwhile piece of work.

Thank you for sharing

Dibs

Offline kerygma

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Re: My Grandfather, My Champion
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2012, 01:40:37 PM »

sj -

I too enjoyed reading this, and memories of my grandfather came back to me as well. It's clear yours was a wonderful and unique individual. However, I think what we have here is a eulogy masquerading as a poem. I think that what you set out to write was a eulogy, and the concept of poem took a back seat. If you had written a poem instead about your grandfather and read it at the memorial service, it might have been more about him as a unique individual, not so much about your relationship with him. After all, your grandfather had his own life, apart from his relations with you. Perhaps you were but a very small part of his life (you say that you had not seen him in 30 years). In writing such a poem about your grandfather, you would probably need to talk to some people who new him well, and they would be able to relate some personal anecdotes about his life that could be used in such a poem. Thanks for sharing.

K

Offline 510bhan

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Re: My Grandfather, My Champion
« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2012, 10:16:48 PM »
Had any more thoughts on this one yet Susan? :)
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Offline sjhunt2005

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Re: My Grandfather, My Champion
« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2012, 11:25:46 PM »
Just now, yes. It feels like you are sort of my champion.

I thought about it, and then I've just been slammed with my therapist's situation.

Thank you, Teach, I will get on this. I can not let life stand still, especially now.

I wish I could tell you how much I appreciate you.

I'll give you a homework report soon!

Thanks again!

Susan

PS: I feel like an idiot! How can I bitch about not being involved, without becoming involve, yeah?
Addictions are horrible afflictions, but at least they stick by you through thick and thin...

I don't walk through the valley of death, I run like a crazy person...

Offline 510bhan

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Re: My Grandfather, My Champion
« Reply #9 on: February 15, 2012, 12:00:02 AM »
Sometimes it's just the way we feel -- wallowing can be so comfortable at times, but once you start turning prune-y it's time to get out of the shit water. ;D ;D ;D
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