Author Topic: Early Morning Sunlight  (Read 768 times)

Offline bowmore bill

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Early Morning Sunlight
« on: February 06, 2012, 02:48:26 PM »
                                      
Early Morning Sunlight 

Revised

  
Sunlight breaks free from the depth of night
races over unbroken landscape.
Clambers over garden walls and manicured lawns.
Slipping through a half open window
transforms half light into brightness.
Dappled worktops come alive and
copper kettls gleam.
In a wicker basket a marmalade cat preens,
pink tongue emerging from between sharp teeth
smoothes fur, and padded paws stroke behind ears
as she readies herself for breakfast.
 

 


« Last Edit: February 08, 2012, 03:47:13 PM by bowmore bill »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Early Morning Sunlight
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2012, 03:16:43 PM »
I enjoyed this Bill, good pictures  ;) - some punctuation suggestions below.

                                     
Early Morning Sunlight


On the eastern horizon  
sunlight breaks free from the depth of night,
races over flat, unbroken landscapes
with unbridled glee, clambering over garden walls
and manicured lawns,
slips through a half open window
its magic transforming the half light into brightness.

Dappled worktops come to life
and burnished copper gleams.
In a wicker basket, a marmalade cat preens
pink tongue emerging from between sharp teeth
smoothes fur, and padded paws stroke behind ears
as she readies herself for breakfast.


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Offline bowmore bill

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Re: Early Morning Sunlight
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2012, 03:39:07 PM »
Many thanks Sio, have caried out repairs. xx

Offline drab

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Re: Early Morning Sunlight
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2012, 03:48:44 PM »
Hi Bill,
You forgot to include the punctuation.  :)
This looks more like a poem.
You are writing about a smaller subject and concentrating your focus. The result is a better poem IMHO.
Keep it up.
Regards
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Early Morning Sunlight
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2012, 07:34:23 PM »
Bill, there is a poem here among the verbiage.

See notes--

On the eastern horizon..........................................unnecessary line
sunlight breaks free from the depth of night,
races over flat, unbroken landscapes..............................no need for 'unbroken'
with unbridled glee, clambering over garden walls..............................................just what has "unbridled glee" ?
and manicured lawns,
slips through a half open window
its magic transforming the half light into brightness....................cut "its magic"

Dappled worktops come to life
and burnished copper gleams. ...........................cut "burnished"
In a wicker basket, a marmalade cat preens
pink tongue emerging from between sharp teeth
smoothes fur, and padded paws stroke behind ears
as she readies herself for breakfast...........................nice ending lines.

hillwalker3000

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Re: Early Morning Sunlight
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2012, 08:00:45 AM »
An evocative  picture of dawn spreading its light -
I felt I was there watching the day come to life.

And it's so much better once the cliches are removed.

H3K

Offline drab

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Re: Early Morning Sunlight
« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2012, 08:11:38 PM »
Bill,
You are almost there.
Leaps and bounds spring to mind.
Now you have to engage our emotions.
Regards
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.