Author Topic: Two short poems  (Read 540 times)

Offline weary_wanderer

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Two short poems
« on: February 06, 2012, 12:40:56 PM »
These are two short poems I have just written, so any comments are appreciated.  Especially if you think it is worth revising and working on them at a later date, as they are so short.  Thanks

Smiling

There is a plastic bag that sits on my cabinet,
Its distorted, shrivelled form resembles a shark
With a toothless grin.
I held it once, when it held many things.
A box of ear buds, shaped like a heart;
A disposable camera; a bag of dried fruit
And a bottle of water.
It reminds me now, sitting there,
Of smiling. 

The blinking I

My hair reaches and waves on the black empty screen
Like a tsunami.  Thatís all I notice.
If there were other things, a kaleidoscopic scattering
Of words I could uncover, they would still babble
Inarticulately. 
The I that flashes impatiently never guesses the next generation.
It ticks and blinks. Yet, it is the greatest paradox:
A comfort in blankness.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Two short poems
« Reply #1 on: February 06, 2012, 01:03:05 PM »
Hi ww

I like these, especially 'Smiling' which is a perfect gem.

'The blinking I'  needs some polishing, but its almost there.

Well done!

Sparky

Offline Mark H

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Re: Two short poems
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2012, 01:08:41 PM »
Length is not important.

I particularly like the first one. I think it could be good with just a bit of tweaking. I'd suggest that you keep them short and maybe condense further. Consider your opening line, followed by my rev of it, and notice how many words you waste.

There is a plastic bag that sits on my cabinet,
A plastic bag sits on my cabinet.

Is there any substantial change in meaning? If not what do those extra words add?

M

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Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Two short poems
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2012, 01:18:04 PM »
Just noticed the Caps at the front of each line. This slows the reading down,
and can be seen as poetically affected. 

Yes...look at the first line of Smiling. Better to say:

A plastic bag sits on my cabinet.     "sits" also is questionable.

Still loving it though.

Offline weary_wanderer

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Re: Two short poems
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2012, 10:22:28 AM »
Thanks.  Yep, forgot to change the caps from Word, but will fix that.  Glad the poems are better than my last attempt haha

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Two short poems
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2012, 11:50:11 AM »
Smiling made me smile -- didn't understand the blinking I. :)
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Offline Amie

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Re: Two short poems
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2012, 01:55:28 PM »
I really like the first one. The second one is less strong.

The most immediate thing to leap out tame is to consider your verbs. Action is one of the most important things in poetry, but often it is sacrificed to pretty descriptions. Look at your verbs and consider what they add - is there a more powerful verb that you could use which would help create a stronger image? Where you've used adverbs, could you dispense with these and find a more fitting verb?

Just a couple of immediate thoughts.

Good stuff :)
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka