Author Topic: Title to be confirmed 708 words adult fiction.  (Read 2284 times)

Offline mfarraday

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Re: Title to be confirmed 708 words adult fiction.
« Reply #30 on: February 11, 2012, 11:27:08 AM »
this was kind of disjointed but i enjoyed the imagery. i think the abstract style that appears here and there seems like a deliberate/skilled presentation in some places, and awkward in others. but i read this mostly for the sense of atmosphere and i think you achieved that. i get the patient's downward spiral into violence, influenced by just her thoughts and wanting to escape the hospital. this really spoke to me.

good piece. i don't have line edits to offer, i think the other posters did a good job with that. i mostly was just along for the ride here. 



Offline Dawn

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Re: Title to be confirmed 708 words adult fiction.
« Reply #31 on: February 11, 2012, 12:49:34 PM »
Thanks Madeleine. Can I ask why you thought it was disjointed?  Just so I can try and work on this.
Thanks for your nice comments though.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline mfarraday

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Re: Title to be confirmed 708 words adult fiction.
« Reply #32 on: February 11, 2012, 05:08:42 PM »
Thanks Madeleine. Can I ask why you thought it was disjointed?  Just so I can try and work on this.
Thanks for your nice comments though.


there were numerous parts where i would have taken commas out, and other places where i would have put them in. then especially the parts in italics seemed to run together with the rest of the sentences that were NOT italicized. finally, i think there needed to be a more clear dividing line between the dialogue and non-dialogue parts. some of the quotes and then the sentences that followed struck me as 'running together.'

at times this seemed deliberate; sometimes it seemed like an accident; and at other times, it actually benefited your piece. it lent to the insanity that the patient was feeling. you know, it gave the reading the kind of atmosphere that i would expect from someone who was the main character and who was also institutionalized. when dialogue seems to run together with the rest of the text, it gives it a nightmarish feel.

i can try to rewrite some parts if you like, to show you what i mean, but i am not sure i want to. i think some of it actually fits the tone you were trying to achieve.

sorry if this is confusing, but i think if you tightened the style a little bit it could be very effective actually.  



Offline Dawn

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Re: Title to be confirmed 708 words adult fiction.
« Reply #33 on: February 11, 2012, 05:19:13 PM »
Thanks Madeleine. I appreciate your comments.

It is supposed to be chaotic to show her A) self-indulgence and B) her mental state.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Title to be confirmed 708 words adult fiction.
« Reply #34 on: February 11, 2012, 06:20:58 PM »
If you are using italics as a device to indicate internal thought, there's no need for the 'she thought' tag. If you use 'she thought' -- no italics. ;)
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Offline Dawn

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Re: Title to be confirmed 708 words adult fiction.
« Reply #35 on: February 11, 2012, 06:28:46 PM »
Thanks Sio. I have amended.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Title to be confirmed 708 words adult fiction.
« Reply #36 on: February 11, 2012, 06:30:49 PM »
 :D :D :D :D

Sounds like I'm your Father Confessor ;D

I forgive you my child -- three laps of the rosary and five Glory Be's and your soul will be clean. ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Offline Dawn

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Re: Title to be confirmed 708 words adult fiction.
« Reply #37 on: February 11, 2012, 06:35:12 PM »
ha ha
"Unclean unclean, forgive me, thou shall learn one's Grammar" ;D ;D ;D ;D
Time to take it serious and get the job done