Author Topic: Infinity  (Read 1780 times)

Offline duck

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2012, 06:29:30 PM »
Hi Dibbledabble
Believe me it was far from my intention to rob anything of romanticism and do not ascribe to any cliches of the modern world lacking romanticism. Nor am I a scientist. I do not want to hijack the poem either but I do feel there are too many cliches which ebing cliches rob the poem of its essential chance to be original or expression with some individual craft or power. what I wrote was a suggestion for a starting point.
Try and see what do you have to lose, the original poem will always be there.
It is about the writing not the sentiments.

Offline Dibbledabble

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #16 on: February 05, 2012, 06:39:00 PM »
Duck I appreciate you coming back to me on this, I am as you can see a newbie here and to writing in general.

I will play with this poem a little, perhaps keep my silly sentimental version for myself and my girl.

This thread has been most interesting, I am pleased I have begun with this particular piece, it has proved to be the right one to test the waters

Respectfully yours

Dibs

Offline Mike Stevens

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #17 on: February 05, 2012, 06:53:02 PM »
Dibs, I feel like I'm 8 years old again, and sleeping outside, staring up at the stars; excellent!

Offline Dibbledabble

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #18 on: February 06, 2012, 04:00:22 PM »
OK, I promised to revisit this piece and consider all the most excellent points made. I have taken the approach that Mr Dashforth (class name, please tell me that is a christened name!) And made it more personal. I hope it is not so sentimental as to make you all sick.

I have renamed it also

Infinite Hope

Turn all the lights out, find the darkest place
Don't the stars look fine?   
A billion miles away shining

We stretched out gazing up at the heavens
Her young eyes shone lips parted in awe
How amazed and overwhelmed are we
Part of all this wonderment and beautifully small

Space expands as do young minds
I smile
Infinity up there, infinity within
Never-ending possibilities


I toyed with probabilities, but it is not about science but hope so possibilities stays

Load them chambers and FIRE!!

Dibs

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #19 on: February 06, 2012, 04:12:13 PM »
Sounds like a Lolita lover! ;D :o

If this is about a child sharing the wonders of the world, perhaps she could clutch a teddy, be in her pj's and thrilled to be up so late, so excited she didn't even yawn despite it being past her bedtime . . . something to confirm the age of the girl.
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Offline Dibbledabble

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2012, 04:52:55 PM »
Jezzz! I really hope not...this is something that I would do with my daughter when she was little, 5 or 6 I guess.  Go outside and lie on recliners and star gaze, she is 15 now and we still do it. I dont see that introducing an age would help. I really dont see how you or anyone could derive such a sexual conitation to such inocents in the wonder of the night sky. Exactly what part suggests lolita love?

I am deeply disturbed and shocked that it appears that society reads so much into such an wonderful and sharing moment between a father and his daughter. Can a father not just stretch out with his girl and look up at the stars, must her lips be parted for anything more than a silent Wow!

Dibs

Offline Dibbledabble

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #21 on: February 06, 2012, 04:55:09 PM »
so shook by your comment I forgot to spell check, please excuse the typos

Offline Mike Stevens

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #22 on: February 06, 2012, 05:01:01 PM »
Dibs, the above comment is b.s! 

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #23 on: February 06, 2012, 05:03:12 PM »
Hi yer Dribble

I see you took my sage advice about not mentioning Infinity :D :D :D

I wish I had a little girl to look at the stars with. You must a good daddy.

Most words read stronger without the 'ing' present participle. Though if you change shinning to shine
it would probably create an awkward rhyme.

I think Sio is right. The girl might be a big girl and your star-gazing a prelude to big boy things ;)

I suppose you could have used quotation marks here, or are all the questions between ears?
Maybe these rhetorical musing would work better if you gave your daughter a voice here?

Best

sparkus







Offline Dibbledabble

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #24 on: February 06, 2012, 05:14:23 PM »
Okay, I am still floored by that comment so I have revised

I was wondering about the speach marks

Infinite Hope (rev 3)

Turn all the lights out, find the darkest place
“Don’t the stars look fine?”   
A billion miles away shining

We stretched out on our recliners
 Gazing up at the heavens
Young eyes shone lips parted in awe
How amazed and overwhelmed are we
Part of all this wonderment and beautifully small

Space expands as do young minds
A fatherly smile
Infinity up there, infinity within
Never-ending possibilities



Offline 510bhan

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #25 on: February 06, 2012, 05:17:16 PM »
You know it is about your daughter -- the reader doesn't. I was pointing put how the age needs to be confirmed otherwise there could be a dreadful misinterpretation.

We stretched out gazing up at the heavens
Her young eyes shone lips parted in awe
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Offline Dibbledabble

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #26 on: February 06, 2012, 05:22:53 PM »
Dont we live in a cynical and paranoid society!

Reclieners...as in more than one...seperate!

Fatherly smile.

I do hope that works else the poem becomes about eplaining movitives not the wonderment of the child and the adoration of her father.

Thanks for pointing out that people are preset to expect the worst of someone not the best

Sad, but thank you

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #27 on: February 06, 2012, 05:26:36 PM »
Try - billions of miles away they shine

one billion is too specific and inaccurate.

The quotation marks there work better for me. However if you are going to only use one speaking line
you could use a full colon and italics -  

find the darkest place:
Dont the stars look fine?


The body of the poem still has nothing much to say though.
If its just a recollection regarding a shared moment with your daughter then I suppose its okay as far as it goes.

Why are you so bent out of shape about one reader suggesting that the lines could be misread?
They could have been; easily.  Relax Dibble.

sparkus

« Last Edit: February 06, 2012, 05:37:05 PM by SparkyDashforth »

Offline Dibbledabble

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #28 on: February 06, 2012, 05:39:57 PM »
You are right of course it was such a knock out blow that's all, took a moment to recover.

It does sadden me though how cynical and mistrusting we have become.

I did try  they shine, but it still rhymes with fine. so we are looking at lesser of evils there. Could change fine, but the question had such a natural flow to it. I am struggling to find another superlative.

Italic works.  The middle section is an indication that the daughter is in awe of the sky and the father is in awe of his daughter so an integral part of the statements in the last stanza.

Your attentions ARE appreciated as everyone Else's .


Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Infinity
« Reply #29 on: February 06, 2012, 05:45:25 PM »
Hey Dibble

I dig your love for your daughter. 

Maybe you could hint more of that fatherly bond in the work.