Author Topic: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language  (Read 877 times)

Offline Skip Slocum

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Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« on: February 04, 2012, 09:02:13 AM »
Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language

For the rest of my miserable F@$king life I’m going to be stuck with this crap name. Mike-who the hell gives a shit-Jones.
Some little pantywaist, coke-bottle glasses runt-sucking fed, is giggling his ass off for this nugget. Then to top it all off, they sent me to Montana. Who in the hell lives in northern Montana, voluntarily? Why didn’t they just kill me and get it over with?

For six months, all I got to do for excitement was walk to the mailbox at the end of the drive, retrieve a handful of junk-mail and go watch TV. However, I’m happy to say all that changed the day they flew me back to New York to testify in the first of eighteen trials.

Once I saw we didn’t have to walk through metal detectors getting on and off their super-cool undercover, executive, turbo-jet; I set my plan into motion. I had to come up with a gun, or two, or three. Whoever heard of a hit-man without a gun anyway; not me.  And I planned to remedy that real quick.

Now ask yourself this, who these days has the best guns for the taking. These little, hip-hop, wannabe gang-banger, thugs that’s who. Why buy when you can take. That’s the easy part. Getting a few of them into an elevator where they couldn’t run was a little trickier but by the time the doors opened on the tenth floor of the swanky hotel that was hosting a music fest, some rap star needed to find himself a new posse.

I slipped back into my room with the marshals waiting outside, washed up, and ordered dinner. They had no idea I had even been gone. The dumb-shits rented a room with a balcony not realizing how easy it was to skinny down a few floors, do what I needed to do, and when I got back, just ride the elevator up two extra floors, dropping down and calling room-service.  

That night, I snagged a couple Glocks, two 1911’s, a .357 snub-nose, and a .45 Sig. I left the guns in a bag and stashed them in the room safe until the trial was over. The day we checked out, I threw the strap of my carry on over my shoulder, boarder the plane. It was as easy as that.

Now I was ready to do what I do best. Only this time I plan on work for myself.
« Last Edit: February 04, 2012, 09:04:56 AM by Skip Slocum »
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Sam Cooper

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Re: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2012, 10:01:33 AM »
Hello.

I'm not so keen on this piece, Skip. Others may disagree, so don't let it concern you.

Do your tenses seem to warble?

example:

I'm going to be stuck

fed, is giggling his ass

yet

I slipped back into my room

Now I was ready to do  - Now I am ready to get to work.

The first para was a bit overboard. You could have started with its last line.

Why don't they just kill me. All I was allowed for excitement was checking the mail and watching old re-runs.

Why didn't they just kill me. For six months all I've done is check the mail and watch TV. What else is there to do in northern Montana.

In truth I don't believe you need the ? because he is not expecting an answer and is more making a statement.

**

I saw Adult language and so expected some. I know site rules and all, but whenever they effect the meaning of a 'written piece' not a 'comment' it really shames the words around.

Sam
« Last Edit: February 05, 2012, 10:05:35 AM by Sam Cooper »

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2012, 11:47:11 AM »
Hey Sam. I'm wondering if the confusion comes from this being written in first-person voice. The character could have been assigned that name ten years ago  and walked that drive for the following six months after that, and yet if he is complaining to you today, wouldn't his tense adjust?

Okay-wait, maybe the confusion comes from the last line. If I adjust the tense of the last line does it set the rest of the piece in the correct conversational tense?

Only this time I planned on work for myself.

Maybe?

PS. I was going for a character with a harsher demeanor.
« Last Edit: February 05, 2012, 11:51:49 AM by Skip Slocum »
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Offline Joe Mynhardt

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Re: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2012, 11:55:43 AM »
Hi, Skip.

You have a couple of missing question marks, as well as an overuse (and mostly unnecessary) of semi-colons.

Also watch out for 'boarder' instead of 'boarded' in the second last paragraph.
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Offline Joe Mynhardt

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Re: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2012, 11:57:08 AM »
One example:

Once I saw we didn’t have to walk through metal detectors getting on and off their super-cool undercover, executive, turbo-jet; I set my plan into motion.

The semi-colon should just be a comma.
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Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2012, 12:05:29 PM »
Got it. I'll go repair that too.

When you come up with story Ideas, do you jot down outline notes or write a Flash-Fiction of say 500 words and file it away for someday's usage?
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Offline Joe Mynhardt

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Re: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2012, 01:21:31 PM »
When you come up with story Ideas, do you jot down outline notes or write a Flash-Fiction of say 500 words and file it away for someday's usage?

I have a word document where story ideas are written down in one sentence. The moment an idea starts turning into scenes, I make a separate document and write it. I'll run through the scenes in my head for a day or two, writing down the best ideas as I go along. My memory sucks, so I have no choice. Then I finish the first draft in two sittings. I'd like to do it in one sitting, but I guess that will come in time.

Sometimes the ideas for a story are around 1300 words. Problem is sorting them into a proper order. Phew.
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Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2012, 03:28:40 PM »
 ;D Good to see I work like others, somewhat. I too have a file with story-starters. Some just a paragraph noting the idea while others are like a first-person letter to the reader.
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Max_with_word_processor

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Re: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2012, 10:14:50 PM »
Interesting piece, Skip.

But my impressions were that I had a bit of trouble adjusting to the time frame. Let me explain. You started to talk about Montana, so my brain became oriented to think he was in Montana Then in the next para you told me that was all in the past, and now you are somewhere else and flying back to New York. But then you're looking for guns and then in the elevator of a motel. Then it looks like you're about to check out. But by the end the trial was over. So I felt like this was a whirlwind tour to get to where you want to start, and I was tossed from pillar to post. Make sense?

I would have felt more comfortable if you had established the time and pace first by having him sit in his motel room, loading his weapon or something, and complaining about his life.

And I don't like lines that talk to the reader like this "Now ask yourself..."

Was the fed that gave him the name a lady or guy? The pantywaist line made me think girl, but the other bits sounded like a guy.

Max.

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2012, 10:27:55 PM »
Yeah, I see what you mean about the bounce around. That was probably the flit of my thoughts trying to set a few circumstances for this character to work through.

Oh yeah, 'Pantywaist' is a slang for wimp.  ;D

Next time I jot down one of these starters I'll be mindful of the jumping around. Thank you for bringing that up.
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Offline mfarraday

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Re: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2012, 09:47:27 PM »
i want something juicy to go along with this. you need to really revel in the cursing. i can curse as well as the next person, but i like for there to be a focus of some sort first. i want to know why he's cursing and to really FEEL it. Stephen King has a really dirty mouth. sometimes its extremely offensive. other times its sort of funny. there there are times when it establishes a character. if the guy is a gang-banger, what drives him? what is he out to kill someone for? why is he picking up guns and trapping someone in an elevator? give me his motivation. you got me all excited about this bad boy, and then you didn't tell me why he was so bad. make me love his badness. describe a little more. make him into some sort of desperado sonofabitch that i love to hate. an SOB who views himself as a badass and who has STYLE with his badassery. people use swear language to show off. this guy needs to strut his stuff. make it come off the page and walk towards me. glory in his trashiness. can i relate to him? i want to relate to him, live vicariously within him. make me see it.

i don't know if i said one practical thing. but i do want to see a bad guy be BAD. and to understand why he does what he does.

hope you see what i mean, even if i didn't express myself well.



Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Story-Starter // Mike-Who’s-it-Jones (408) Adult language
« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2012, 10:29:29 PM »
 ;D I'd be pissed if when I went into witness protection program, some fool assigned me a name like that.  ;D
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