Author Topic: Untitled....any suggestions?  (Read 3309 times)

Offline Katinka

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2012, 10:47:55 PM »
bhan

If this were written as standard prose, rather than following the lines breaks [a device exclusive to poetry] it would read more smoothly and therefore probably have more charm IMO.

You whispered a secret into my ear. Did you know my state of mind? You fueled the flame within me which I had tried to quench. “I thought you’d want to know.”

Why would you think I would? I looked at Dot with sad eyes and wondered, could it be true, today, she seemed so fine. Why would she want to die? How could they let her go?

“She won’t take food or meds. It’s just a matter of time. She said it is enough. She’s ready now to go.”

Her hair well-groomed, her color fair, she seemed herself in every way. Why should she want to die? Jealously, why should I care? At times life’s tragic moments come. At times I think of leaving but cowardly I draw the line. Death’s icy fingers chill my soul. My hope lifts toward the warming sun. I cannot fathom why no one stops her from leaving.

Okay, I presume that would be prose. That's fair enough. Could I post that on the Review My Work board and get away with it?

Oh my, where do I put my prose?  :o


Offline Katinka

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #16 on: February 05, 2012, 10:56:52 PM »
duck

(The repeated weakness that some perceive with what you write in the poetry forum is that your work tends to tell a lot and show little. There is IMO little to feel because you deliver on a plate what the reader should think and feel - an expression of thoughts but if you like little art. ( Hmm... I'll work on that weakness)

Moreover, there are punctuation weaknesses still. (English is my second language, they say it's not possible to get rid of that weakness altogether; I'm trying)
 
(What is more your postings seem  (emphasis on seem) resistent to encouragement towards improvement rather than praise. Try a different approach as an experiment to find out what might happen. We have all been there.)

Forgive me (smiles) I'm trying... ::) I'm just a slow learner. But I've come a long way from where I started. Hope you don't mind I'm a little slow? My momma told me there's a place for everyone.

Kat

Offline duck

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #17 on: February 06, 2012, 03:06:53 AM »
Hi Katinka,
No keep at it, I am one of the slow ones too. The main thing is to keep writing and improving as best one can. We ahve to be grateful there are so many people out there willing to write in the first place.
duck

Offline Katinka

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #18 on: February 06, 2012, 08:07:19 AM »
 ;D

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #19 on: February 06, 2012, 08:22:25 AM »
I think it could go up on Review My Work -- it reads like a micro fiction though I suspect there would still be a few comments about show/tell, Eg: sad eyes, jealously why should I care, cowardly draw the line. ;)
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Offline Mark H

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2012, 08:25:32 AM »
The premise is interesting, the execution weak. Try re-writing the poem but obey these 3 simple rules precisely and see where it takes you.

1. Write in the 3rd person. "I" or "you" are banned.

2. Ask no questions in the poem. Any sentence that has a ? is strictly forbidden. Rhetorical questions are also banned.

3. Do not state how either character feels about anything whatsoever.

M
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Offline Katinka

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #21 on: February 06, 2012, 04:43:32 PM »
indar,
I didn't answer yours. Naw, I can't change the poem/prose that much. This is a true story, written on the day observed, perplexed why she is allowed to do away with herself when there is nothing apparently wrong. Except she is in a wheelchair and has use of only one hand and is in a facility. I, the observer am a little under the weather and morbid.
( how we want to will others to live, and why.) Why don't you write a good poem about the will to live and yes, I agree, we want others to live and show us how to live or end well, despite...

Offline Katinka

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #22 on: February 06, 2012, 04:46:02 PM »
bhan
I think it could go up on Review My Work -- it reads like a micro fiction though I suspect there would still be a few comments about show/tell, Eg: sad eyes, jealously why should I care, cowardly draw the line. ;)

 ;) I might post it there as is just to see if they agree with you all. 

Offline Katinka

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #23 on: February 06, 2012, 04:52:02 PM »
Mark.

Thanks. I will try. I am reluctant to change this for the sake of poetry, it came from my heart, from my passion, from confusion and great sadness. I love her. But, I will try...I want to keep it in my collection.


Offline Mark H

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #24 on: February 06, 2012, 06:37:42 PM »
If you are writing something just for yourself, then you never need to show to anyone. Keep it safe, take it out, read it for your own pleasure, put it back. But if you are writing for others, you have a duty to entertain them (or do your best to).

M
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Offline Katinka

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #25 on: February 06, 2012, 07:14:22 PM »
Mark, I've been on this forum for a few years now and I've been uplifted and pummeled a few times. Because of it, I have definitely made progress in my writing, thanks to MWC.
I've exposed my worst and my best and intend to keep doing it.

This poem has touched at least one heart here and that is worth posting it.
To me, writing goes a little deeper than adhering to technicalities. The incident I witnessed impacted me immensely, and I felt the need to share my poetic emotions about it. Sorry if I offended you. (smiles)
Kat  





 

Offline Mark H

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #26 on: February 07, 2012, 02:55:31 AM »
It touched one person while wasting the time of a number of others who thought it was posted for review.

Mark
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Offline Katinka

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #27 on: February 07, 2012, 08:55:20 AM »
(JMO) Very, very bad reply.  :o Everything I write is for review. Every critique is very much appreciated and taken into consideration. I have made changes on this poem because of others suggestions.

(It touched one person while wasting the time of a number of others who thought it was posted for review.) I'll try not to waste your time. Have a wonderful day, friend. (smiles)

Kat

Offline Amie

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #28 on: February 07, 2012, 09:02:20 AM »
To me, writing goes a little deeper than adhering to technicalities.

I don't think anyone was suggesting that you should adhere to technicalities for the sake of it. They were suggesting improvements which would make the poem more powerful for a wider range of readers. It is the same advice you have been given before: show more, tell less. Duck summarised it perfectly: "There is IMO little to feel because you deliver on a plate what the reader should think and feel - an expression of thoughts but if you like little art."

I also agree that it reads much better without the line breaks. I was actually surprised by this, that merely removing the line breaks could improve it so much. It doesn't need to have line breaks to be a poem, and the current choice does seem to make it a lot choppier and to adversely affect the flow. Sparky and others have given you some great advice - you seem to want to keep it as is, so I don't really have anything to add to what's already been said :)
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Offline Mark H

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Re: Untitled....any suggestions?
« Reply #29 on: February 07, 2012, 10:34:58 AM »
Kat,

From what I can see, there's nothing in your replies to suggest that you have changed or intend to change this piece. In fact ...

Quote
I am reluctant to change this for the sake of poetry,

I assume you knew that before posting, so why not put it in the gallery? It is extremely annoying to spend time reading and considering a piece posted for review, to then get a comment like that.

Mark
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