Author Topic: The melody of unrequited love first draft  (Read 1023 times)

Offline weary_wanderer

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The melody of unrequited love first draft
« on: February 03, 2012, 12:18:36 PM »
If I could only speak the words my eyes betray
But I feel hopeless, and as the hairs turn grey
On my treasure chest, my second chest,
I realise that thereís no chance to say,
My hopes.  No, no funeral to lay this dream to rest.
I dreamt of you the other night,
I felt the presence of your light
Burn down on me.  I was branded and it stung.
No dedicated song could make it right
The sight of you was like the last song sung.

Janus-faced love, never sowing anything
But dust and sand, and empty hands.
Why do love birds sing yet I am mute?
Why do people walk on empty lands
Over and over?  I mop the gentle wooden floor
And all the time thereís more and more
Marks of you.  The flower from a distant shore.
Surrounded by weeds. 
All my hopes are dreams, and in them I scan the sea,
But the phantom ship is not for me;
Itís set sail already, already cursed
Already sailing and already versed.
This flower I dreamt is not for me,
Though I dream of it each night.
The scent, alluring, but to watch it and never be,
Just in my dreams.  My hopes; my light.

Offline randi.lee

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2012, 01:39:27 PM »
Nice poem :) I especially like the following lines:

All my hopes are dreams, and in them I scan the sea,
But the phantom ship is not for me;
Itís set sail already, already cursed
Already sailing and already versed.

Offline Katinka

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2012, 06:02:43 PM »
Good work. It speaks to me.  ;D 

Offline weary_wanderer

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2012, 06:29:33 AM »
Thank you  :)

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2012, 10:10:16 AM »
This is frankly poor writing. The topic is stale is now considered a whole cliche all by its self.
The work is stuffed with vague platitudes and has nothing new to say.
You may be new to poetry, in which case I would encourage you to continue, but you
will have to go deeper in your ideas and visuals than this.
Much of this is pure drivel. 

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2012, 10:35:42 AM »
I don't normally comment on poetry, but this "Itís set sail already,"
bugs me every time I read your work.

It's is a contraction of "it is" and the line reads (to me) as if you mean "it has."
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Offline kerygma

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2012, 10:38:43 AM »
This is truly inspired writing. I can feel the heat rising from the words. There are some remarkable lines here. One part of the poem that I did not care for were the lines  

and as the hairs turn grey
On my treasure chest, my second chest,

I am really at a loss to understand what that means, but I am getting the image of a man's hairy chest, which doesn't exactly entice me to read on; it's sort of a show-stopper for me.   :'(

There is a lot of raw emotion in the poem, and that's what gives it power. But it needs some careful pruning. For example, the first five lines could be deleted, and the poem start with line 6. That would be a good start.

You are gifted writer, and I hope to read more of your work. Don't let the negative comments get to you.

K
« Last Edit: February 04, 2012, 10:45:34 AM by kerygma »

Offline drab

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2012, 12:16:19 PM »
Hi and welcome weary,
I have to agree with Sparky. Listen to his advice.
I have to disagree with kerygma, there is nothing inspiring about this, but we are all entitled to our opinions.
Most of the 'negative' comments you receive here are actually positive comments. They are doing what you asked them to do when you posted in 'Review My Poetry', they are giving you advice and critique. Who you listen to is your decision, be careful though.
Hope you enjoy your stay.
Regards
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Offline Cyd

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2012, 08:17:18 PM »

I like your poem very, very much. 

Offline weary_wanderer

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2012, 08:35:27 AM »
Wow, a very mixed reception.  That's ok.  I'll keep writing until I get that one good poem  ;D

Offline duck

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2012, 05:19:16 PM »
Hi weary wanderer,
There seems to be a lot of misconception among new posters on this site lately. Namely that the aim of the exercise is to write that one good poem and that the poem is already waiting in the individual to be found. It is a little like football. It is not possible as such to win football championships, it is only possible to identify the skills  necessary to  playing well and to improve those: kicking, passing, tackiling etc. Eventually it may happen a good game results from the accumulation of skills. Stop trying to write good poetry and accumulate skills. The reviewers on the site try to guide others to these skills based on their own experience.
What others feel about your poem is nice but irrelevant - what they can do to add to your ability is not. The feelings of the poem may speak to others but as writing goes it is porly written.
Duck

hillwalker3000

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2012, 05:37:48 PM »
Hi W W,

I think you have chosen an impossible subject to write about -
and that's why you're getting some negative reactions.
Unrequited love may touch the hearts of certain readers
who like romantic stuff but your execution is nothing out of the ordinary.

Writing about abstract concepts like love or hope or peace
is not only old-fashioned, it has been done numerous times
by far superior poets to those who grace these boards.
So how can you possibly expect to come up
with anything remotely original on the subject?
Most aspiring writers who choose to compose love poems
end up recycling the drivel found on Hallmark cards.

The only way you will achieve success is to come up
with something that is meaningful to you personally
and write your poem in such an original way that the reader
truly believes they are being shown something in a new light.

Keep writing - and don't take all the negatives to heart.

H3K

Offline 510bhan

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Re: The melody of unrequited love first draft
« Reply #12 on: February 06, 2012, 02:44:52 PM »
You could turn it into a parody, which might allow the cliches for the topic :o
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