Author Topic: Freezer  (Read 1811 times)

Offline Vienna

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Freezer
« on: February 03, 2012, 08:16:12 AM »
The freezer
is full

again

satisfied
she nods and smiles,
mumbles, pulls her hair,
rats tails through yellow fingers,
too many Capstan Full-Strength

her secret,

the reason

the neighbour
is quiet

now,

she sighs and
goes to clean the bathroom

again.

« Last Edit: February 05, 2012, 05:45:11 AM by Vienna »
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline drab

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Re: WIP
« Reply #1 on: February 03, 2012, 09:40:29 AM »
This is more subtle than your recent poems V.
I like this very much.
I have one or two extremely minor suggestions, I'll come back later.
Regards
 
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline Laura H

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Re: WIP
« Reply #2 on: February 03, 2012, 10:22:24 AM »
This is deliciously dark, Vienna  :)
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty

drafty posh shark

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Re: WIP
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2012, 01:31:18 PM »
Enjoyed the read, dark and rich picture... pass the tabs.

The only comment is not sure if you  need the two she  I think you could just remove. 

Offline indar

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Re: WIP
« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2012, 01:33:14 PM »
Hi Vienna,
I looked up Capstan and got nothing but nautical and mechanical terms. "Full strength" suggests to me that is not what you are talking about. Spare, hard-hitting writing here.

Offline drab

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Re: WIP
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2012, 01:42:20 PM »
indar,
They are cigarettes.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

drafty posh shark

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Re: WIP
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2012, 01:43:26 PM »
Indar, they are Tabs ( Cigarettes) probalbaly banned now as they were the full treacle of nicotine.  Clearly you are much too young to remember them.  

Offline indar

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Re: WIP
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2012, 01:53:00 PM »
Clearly---much too, but if I could remember such a thing it would probably be Camels Straight ;D Thanks Drab and Mlam.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: WIP
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2012, 02:38:50 PM »
Nicely done Vienna.
Stark visuals. Good use of space, but
I would not drop the 'now' down.

sparky

Offline Vienna

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Re: WIP
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2012, 02:55:36 PM »
thanks very much everybody for taking the time to read and commenting.

mr dashforth I wondered about the "now"

mark I will think about the "shes"

drab looking forward to your suggestions.
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline drab

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Re: WIP
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2012, 04:57:02 PM »
Hi V,
As I said just a few small changes, mostly line breaks. Too many can sound overly dramatic IMHO


The freezer
is full,
again                         

satisfied
she nods and smiles,
mumbles,                     
pulls her hair,                           
rats tails through yellow fingers,
too many Capstan Full-Strength

her secret,

the reason
her neighbour        I'm suggesting 'her' instead of 'the' and losing the line break
is quiet

now,

she sighs and
goes to clean the bathroom

again.

It's amazing how effective less can be. No axes here but we see the horror.
It's understated, and that's why works so well.
Well done.


To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline Vienna

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Re: WIP
« Reply #11 on: February 04, 2012, 10:18:01 AM »

Thanks Drab for your suggestions. A first revision ...............





The freezer
is full,
again                        

satisfied
she nods and smiles,
mumbles,                    
pulls her hair,                          
rats tails through yellow fingers,
too many Capstan Full-Strength

her secret,

the reason
her neighbour        
is quiet now,

she sighs and
goes to clean the bathroom

again.
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: WIP
« Reply #12 on: February 04, 2012, 12:40:00 PM »
Good revision.

Rat tails not rats I think

Just a thought but do you need that last word 'again'?  The last line

"she sighs and
goes to clean the bathroom"

implies so much, and really leaves the reader hanging
which is always a good idea.

Offline Vienna

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Re: WIP
« Reply #13 on: February 04, 2012, 01:43:01 PM »
mmm you could be right there Sparky..............I'll have a think
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline Vienna

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Freezer
« Reply #14 on: February 05, 2012, 05:44:37 AM »
The freezer
is full,
again                        

satisfied
she nods and smiles,
mumbles,                    
pulls her hair,                          
rats tails through yellow fingers,
too many Capstan Full-Strength

her secret,

the reason
her neighbour        
is quiet now,

she sighs and
goes to clean the bathroom.
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!