Author Topic: Re-write.  (Read 1380 times)

Offline redmeat73

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Re-write.
« on: February 02, 2012, 05:15:36 PM »
The abandoned van, its crumpled front end embedded in a collapsed wall, had been completely picked clean long ago. Vegetation had grown, part covering the rusted metal, husk.


She wasn’t looking for comfort, just somewhere to hide.


The intense afternoon heat had hardly dropped with the onset of the evening. She shivered. Wrapped in a blanket, sweat stood out on her forehead. Against the sun seeping through the vans many holes, she closed her eyes. White hot light stung her optic nerve, causing her head to spin. Carefully she tilted her head and looked at her watch, Bloody hell, twenty-five- to- six. Time to move out.


She drew a deep breath and readied herself. Waves of pain coursed through her muscles as she heaved herself upright. She bit down hard on her lip, stifling a cry. The ground surged violently as each wave of pain echoed throughout her head. She sat, shaking and waited for the agony to subside.
 

She had not felt this bad for a long time.


Matt..


Offline 510bhan

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Re: Re-write.
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2012, 06:27:56 PM »
The abandoned van, its crumpled front end embedded in a collapsed wall, had been completely picked clean long ago. Vegetation had grown, part covered the rusted metal, husk.


She wasn’t looking for comfort, just somewhere to hide.


The intense afternoon heat had hardly dropped with the onset of the evening. She shivered. Wrapped in a blanket, sweat stood out on her forehead. Against the sun seeping through the van's many holes, she closed her eyes. White hot light stung her optic nerve, causing her head to spin. Carefully she tilted her head and looked at her watch, Bloody hell, twenty-five- to- six. Time to move out.


She drew a deep breath and readied herself. Waves of pain coursed through her muscles as she heaved herself upright. She bit down hard on her lip, stifling a cry. The ground surged violently as each wave of pain echoed throughout her head. She sat, shaking and waited for the agony to subside.
 

She had not felt this bad for a long time.


Matt..



 ;) ;) ;)

Offline Katinka

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Re: Re-write.
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2012, 07:34:51 PM »
redmeat


The intense afternoon heat had hardly dropped with the onset of the evening. She shivered. Wrapped in a blanket, sweat stood out on her forehead. (I think if you start with the end of the sentence first it reads better) Against the sun seeping through the vans many holes, she closed her eyes. (A)White hot light stung her optic nerve, causing her head to spin. Carefully she tilted her head and looked at her watch, Bloody hell, twenty-five-(<move up) to-< six. Time to move out.


She drew a deep breath and readied herself. Waves of pain coursed through her muscles as she heaved herself upright. She bit down hard on her lip, stifling a cry. The ground surged violently as each wave of pain echoed throughout her head. She sat, shaking and waited for the agony to subside.
 

She had not felt this bad for a long time.


Matt..

very good. Jmo comments.

Offline Mary W. Ng

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Re: Re-write.
« Reply #3 on: February 03, 2012, 12:53:28 AM »
As a grammar person, I always look for grammatical errors. I've made a few changes that I felt was necessary.

The abandoned van, its crumpled front end embedded in a collapsed wall, had been completely picked clean long ago, vegetation covering the rusted metal.


She wasn’t looking for comfort, just somewhere to hide.
 

The intense afternoon heat had hardly dropped with the onset of the evening. Wrapped in a blanket, she shivered, sweat standing out on her forehead. Against the sun seeping through the van's many holes, she closed her eyes. White hot light stung her optic nerve, causing her head to spin. Carefully she tilted her head and looked at her watch, Bloody hell, twenty-five to six. Time to move out.


She drew a deep breath and readied herself. Waves of pain coursed through her muscles as she heaved herself upright. She bit down hard on her lip, stifling a cry. The ground surged violently as each wave of pain echoed through her head. She sat shaking, and waited for the agony to subside.
 

She had not felt this bad for a long time.

Offline sjhunt2005

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Re: Re-write.
« Reply #4 on: February 03, 2012, 01:32:07 AM »
... had been completely picked clean (picked clean already infers 'completely'...less is more, they say...

She wasn’t looking for comfort, just somewhere to hide. (Hmm...someone in her state wouldn't find comfort, anywhere at this point, i suppose...)


The intense afternoon heat had hardly dropped with the onset of the evening. She shivered. Wrapped in a blanket, sweat stood out on her forehead. Against the sun seeping through the vans many holes, she closed her eyes. White hot light stung her optic nerve, causing her head to spin. Carefully she tilted her head and looked at her watch...

...She drew a deep breath and readied herself. Waves of pain coursed through her muscles as she heaved herself upright. She bit down hard on her lip, stifling a cry. The ground surged violently as each wave of pain echoed throughout her head... be careful here, using head, maybe consider using a different description altogether, of the pain...
 
I must say I am very intrigued and would love to read the rest of this girl's adventure\dilemma....good story!


Offline Dawn

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Re: Re-write.
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2012, 05:05:49 AM »
The abandoned van, its crumpled front end embedded in a collapsed wall, had been completely picked clean long ago. Vegetation had grown, part covering the rusted metal, husk.


She wasn’t looking for comfort, just somewhere to hide.


The intense afternoon heat had hardly dropped with the onset of the evening. She shivered. Wrapped in a blanket, sweat stood out on her forehead. Against the sun seeping through the vans many holes, she closed her eyes. White hot light stung her optic nerve, causing her head to spin. Carefully she tilted her head and looked at her watch (I'm not sure this sentence works for me. I think you could leave out, she tilted her head as you have mentioned her head is spinning) Bloody hell, twenty-five- to- six. Time to move out.


She drew a deep breath and readied herself. Waves of pain coursed through her muscles as she heaved herself upright. She bit down hard on her lip, stifling a cry. The ground surged violently as each wave of pain echoed throughout her head. She sat, shaking and waited for the agony to subside.
 

She had not felt this bad for a long time. (has she felt like this before? I think this maybe takes away from how much pain she is in)

Please feel free to ignore. JMO

I agree, I am very intrigued by this story and would love to read more. Nicely written.


Offline Leanna

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Re: Re-write.
« Reply #6 on: February 04, 2012, 08:55:12 AM »
Well written and intriguing, with the edits suggested above. I agree, I would want to read more.
One suggestion:
"The intense afternoon heat... She shivered." At this point it isn't yet clear that she's injured or sick, so  when I came to this point I wondered why she shivered even though it's hot.

Offline redmeat73

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Re: Re-write.
« Reply #7 on: February 04, 2012, 09:37:28 AM »
Thank you all for the advice. I'll grace them with a reply as soon as I've reclaimed my laptop for the kids. As much as I love my phone it's sucks to e-mail, etc.


Matt..

Offline magicunicorn

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Re: Re-write.
« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2012, 01:29:21 AM »
  This  kept me reading through the  who thing which is a good thing as it has what  it takes to draw a reader in . Well written i cant wait to read some more

Offline Margarett

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Re: Re-write.
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2012, 09:06:13 PM »
The intense afternoon heat had hardly dropped with the onset of the evening. She shivered. Wrapped in a blanket, sweat stood out on her forehead, she closed her eyes.. Against the sun seeping through the vans many holes.

White hot light stung her optic nerve, causing her head to spin. Carefully she tilted her head and looked at her watch...


I think this is what one of the critique's suggested.

Feel free to ignore this if you choose.

Offline ixithegreat

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Re: Re-write.
« Reply #10 on: February 16, 2012, 11:25:00 PM »
I liked it so far- it got my attention. I'm going to give you some advice which you can take or not take, but it's what I would do to fix it.

Usually, in my opinion, quotes get more attention than anything. We see that this girl is hiding and in pain, but we know nothing about her. Even a simple quote from her memory, somebody saying something to her from her memory in their own dialect, can give the story verve. We need to add some mystery to why this girl is in the situation. A girl simply hiding is not enough, unravel some clues to get the reader interested. One or two can do, don't feed the reader too much. Make them wonder.

My only other comment is use more sentence variation. Don't start off sentences the same, use different sentence structure, and try to write outside the box. Use the stream of consciousness from the main character. She may notice a broken needle on the ground and think something, or the scraped car hood may make her remember something her father said. Anything. Try to make a list of her stream of consciousness, build the scene with your five senses, and then with her thoughts.