Untitled WIP

[midnight candle]

Am following all this with much interest.

I'm a little confused on what you put in a script for the benefit of filmmakers, and what you put in that viewers will actually see or figure out.

I'm following with interest too. Patron's help is great - learning a lot. I just changed that opening line by the way - still obscure but it will become obvious how it came about.

[Patron]

Ok let's address your rewrite thenannmarie's question.

First, form FADE IN.

INT.FLORIST SHOP.DAY

This is fine.

Then, Scar tissue from a bullet wound on a hand tending to flowers.

Think about this. Think about sitting in a theatre and watching your opening. Remember, you said interior, florist shop and day.

I am going to stop here, as I need to run an errand and I will be back this afternoon. I will finish this later.

Sincerely;

Patron

[Dawn]

I suppose if it's in a theatre you wouldn't see that much detail. However I think midnight meant this as a film/tv (I think).

I'm very intrigued now.

Wouldn't it be good to have a workshop thread in the scripts section? Hint hint.

[Patron]

Ok  I am back and yes that is a great idea alfie.

Now we need to answer both annmarie and alfie and you too blue. I want to answer these first and then we will redirect back to your new submission.

Annmarie, your confusion. This is simple. Filmmakers as you stated, would also include readers. These readers are the basic people who are going to give you a shot in this business. Straight out, this is your shot. That being said, these persons are looking for key elements. First of all and most certainly foremost is format. If your format is less than expected it will surely find its way to file 13.
Format is crucial. Why? Format is used from the producer and/or director down to the actor, grip, stage builder, lighting and tech., costume, makeup and on and on until the actual lowliest hand on the set deserving of a copy of this screenplay. All of them have minor changes designed to work for their individual fields but it all comes from you.....and only you....the screenplay writer. You designed this, you created all of this in your imagination, and now this entire mega production comes from your basic, properly formatted screenplay. That is how important format really is.

Alfie, your question is valid. I might have missed the final intention of this as a big screen or series or whatever. I say whatever, because the rules do not change…. .
The rules are the same and are implied in the same way. Yes in a movie one needs to build through action description and dialogue an intriguing screenplay.
 This is what I write. However, if this is simply a local theatre production, think about it….. . What changes? This is what changes. You are now simply using a small set without a camera and you are driven to a seated audience that needs to see certain aspects to make it real, but basically you are still attempting the same goal.

This is the goal, folks. Whether it is local play production, or Broadway or a commercial, a mini series, a Hallmark or HBO production, or finally a big screen theatre production, one final thing stands out. What is it?

You absolutely must stick to format. Format includes rules. Many writers break the rules and there are hundreds of ideas out there that will teach you how to write the proper screenplay.

I am going to start another post because I ramble too much.

Sincerely;

Patron

[Patron]

Where I was going with breaking the rules goes back to you Daryl.

You began breaking the rules right away, because you read or were told to get in late and out early of your scenes. That is so true, yet this is a bit of a rule breaker. You also tend to write fragmented statements and these also are rule breakers.

Original scripts tended to include a lot of story, similar to novel writing. As time marched on, the multitude of submissions progressed and an idea was sewn, so that these "Heads" so to speak could filter some of these submissions by establishing a set of guidelines. These guidelines were designed so that the original screenplay would survive through every aspect of a picture production.

Later as screenwriters evolved some cheat options, so to speak, became available, because productions became more advanced.
Fragmented writing works in many situations but particularly in quick action scenes. This where it really came into play. A reader would become self absorbed into the treatment so much that it read like little pictures in their head.

Daryl, you are using it, but I think it is wrong to start out this way. Remember.....the old and true format; the standard works and will never be undone. If you write the entire treatment, sticking to the old standard, I guaranty you will a better chance of this being picked up and sold than if you straight out break all the rules.

Sincerely;

Patron

[Patron]

So let's look at what you submitted.

First of all I like the radio idea. It's credible and reliable. One thought though....You have to remember, I have no real idea of your premise. Right now I can buy it, until we get further into the story.

Next is probably my own fault. It seems you re-wrote this and lost some key points. You added, but you subtracted more.

Your scene description puts us into the environment. This is basic.

Your action and this not a true word because most screenwriting programs and treatments use this word. Action basically gives you a chance to show us, where, what, how, and probably not at this point who.

I feel you were forcing us into the scar view. Meaning the camera jumps from what? A full scene of a florist shop? Are their customers and a clerk? Do we see only the back of one knurled man whom we will learn about later?
Do we understand the environment? Do we understand why a big handed man is painfully twirling these flowers? The shop must be going on closing as you have shown....So how do you and I mean you.... show us that we need to understand the importance of this scarred hand. If we saw a man in the shop in the beginning; a hulking structure of a man. Maybe a Cro-Magnon type of man or whatever. Maybe if we saw this structure of a tough man or whatever you want in the original action sequence we can understand.

Use the radio inputs. I like them, even though I don’t know where you are going with them.

Give us a perspective up this flower shop and this man, before we focus into the scarred hand. Make it flow Daryl.

Sincerely;

Patron

By the way, we have more work to do. Let’s start with this. Do not throw away your ideas. Let’s keep integrating everything and writing in a manner that people will stand up and want to keep reading.

[midnight candle]

Daryl, you are using it, but I think it is wrong to start out this way. Remember.....the old and true format; the standard works and will never be undone. If you write the entire treatment, sticking to the old standard, I guaranty you will a better chance of this being picked up and sold than if you straight out break all the rules.

I read Christopher Hampton's ATONEMENT last night and see what you're saying.

I feel you were forcing us into the scar view. Meaning the camera jumps from what? A full scene of a florist shop? Are their customers and a clerk? Do we see only the back of one knurled man whom we will learn about later?
Do we understand the environment? Do we understand why a big handed man is painfully twirling these flowers? The shop must be going on closing as you have shown....So how do you and I mean you.... show us that we need to understand the importance of this scarred hand. If we saw a man in the shop in the beginning; a hulking structure of a man. Maybe a Cro-Magnon type of man or whatever. Maybe if we saw this structure of a tough man or whatever you want in the original action sequence we can understand.

I'm working on it - Annmarie's question was a good one and made me look again.

[Patron]

I am thrilled you read that.

If you want some other examples, I can help.

Remember, what I said....Do not let go of what your are writing. It does not matter what you submit.

For me, it recently has come to be that I am available. Since I have taken a particular interest in this, mind you, I still do not know where you are going....I feel I need to do something here.

I do not want to intrude on your thread. My interest here is to give something back to a person and really a couple of people to be honest, and also all of MWC.

I want to do this Daryl, as I have always enjoyed your posts and since I am currently un-employed, I have some time devote to this.

I will tell you this. I hope I get busy again soon, but, I will stick with this and, to be honest, I do not know where you are in this story; unwritten, rough draft or whatever; I intent to stick with you on this until you have a final draft that will make you some money. I promise I will stick with you until you have a submission that I believe you have a chance to make a sale.

Why am I doing this? I am giving back to some people here that mean a great deal to me.  Their help was invaluable and I am forever grateful

Sincerely;

Patron

[midnight candle]

I lost sight of what I wanted in the first draft and cut too much. I'm happy where it's going now and comments here have forced me to think more clearly about the pictures in my head. Anyway, here is the latest draft


FADE IN:

INT. FLORIST SHOP. DAY

The SOUND of sprayed water, irregular like Morse code, overpowers the SOUND of 1980s pop music playing quietly on a radio. A sheen on green leaves of exotic plants and flowers. An array of bright colours surrounded by light and dark leaves against the pale yellow walls.

DANIEL, mid-fifties. Regimented. His dominant physique seems misplaced amongst fragile flowers. But his timid eyes show a tenderness towards his work.

Daniel’s right arm is scarred from the elbow down to melded fingers that resemble two talons. He places the spray bottle next to the radio and keens his head.

          RADIO VOICE (V.O.)
     Tensions over the Falkland Islands increase
     ahead of the thirtieth anniversary of Argentina's
     invasion in 1982.

Daniel fusses over a white lily that forms the central part of a huge wreath. A faraway watery sheen in his eyes.

          RADIO VOICE (V.O.)
     Outside the British embassy in Buenos Aires,
     demonstrators burned the Union Jack.

Daniel wrenches the radio plug from the socket.

He slips out of his green apron and swaps it for the charcoal jacket hanging on the coat peg.

EXT. FLORIST SHOP. DAY.

Daniel closes up the shop. Rain beats upon him. 

EXT. CEMETERY. DAY.

Daniel crouches on the sodden mud. No umbrella. His wet hair clings to his face. He clutches the lily wreath we recognise from the shop.

[Maimi]

Hi Daryl,

I like the lack of spoon feeding by going from the flower shop to the grave.

Call me crazy, but by nixing the death scene Daniel has more of my sympathy and emotional buy-in. Perhaps it's because now I'm focused on him and not how he got there, his journey to the graveside--if you know what I mean.

You got an 'Oh' reaction from me when I saw the wreath for the second time. Thanks for letting me connect the dots.

I'm left to wonder what the death will free him up to do--that it's a catalyst for what's to happen. Of course, there are the scars and violent reaction to the report on the radio. All that, as well as the matter of who died, makes me curious in such little time. Nice work.

-Maimi

[Dawn]

I don't know why but I keep picturing mafia with this. In a weird way it through me when you mentioned the 80's.

Not sure on this part irregular like Morse code, Do you need to go into that much detail and would water sound like this?
 
Also would His dominant physique seems misplaced amongst fragile flowers be right to use in a script. I'm really not sure by the way, which is why I am asking.

I just felt this read now more like a book rather than a script. I'm really not sure now which is correct.

[Patron]

alfiemama;

I understand what you are saying here.

This is becoming my fault in what Daryl is producing. But on the other hand, it is exactly what needs to become into a full fledged drama.

What will make this work; he will develop scenes that will flow and work into a three act structure. This is a long way from the end, but this will eventually culminate into a full three act feature. We always have to remember one thing. This is a screenplay. We all, need to be able to read and see this production in our heads. Readability is everything. We do not want to read as a novel, but this needs to be the abridged of the abridged type of novel. This future production will be the next piece we see on the screen or big screen. That means, we writers must thrill the readers first, and then entice the directors and producers.

Sincerely;

Patron

We have a few things to work out.

Sincerely;

Patron

[Dawn]

Hi Patron,

I see (I think)

Forgive me though, but won't it be producer's and director's who read it first? Would they just not think this is fluff (sorry Daryl no disrespect to your work) I mean like an info dump. I think I'm rambling and may need more coffee this morning.

[midnight candle]

No offence taken Alfie - i'm here to learn too. 

[Dawn]

Phew!!! I was struggling to find the right words. It's just some people, would tell you to cut this out of your work, so I'm struggling to understand. I would have thought they are redundant words?