Author Topic: Untitled WIP  (Read 17708 times)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #15 on: March 16, 2012, 10:38:09 AM »
With the setting being a florist's I'd have expected him to lift the bouquet from a bucket/bench top and that they would be fresh. :-[ :-\

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #16 on: March 16, 2012, 10:53:54 AM »
With the setting being a florist's I'd have expected him to lift the bouquet from a bucket/bench top and that they would be fresh. :-[ :-\

I see what you're saying now. I'll think of a solution or chops those two words. Thanks Siobhan. :)

Offline Maimi

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #17 on: March 16, 2012, 01:18:39 PM »
The lilies form the central part of a huge wreath for a special customer.
If the wreath for the 'special customer' is used later, after focus being put on it in the opening, I'd recognize it and get the significance then. Here I'm missing an image for special customer, how, other than if it dwarfs wreaths surrounding it, I'd know it's special. (Edited this to try and make sense, Daryl. My apologies if what I'm trying to say is still muddy.) :)

... and green apron.

... Daniel swaps the green apron for his suit jacket.
No need repeating 'green' apron.

He turns the notice on the shop door and grabs a freshly prepared bouquet of red roses.
In a flower shop, fresh is understood. I'm not certain prepared is necessary, though. By the way, I wondered why the type of shop was omitted in the heading. INT. SHOP. DAY. didn't bring flowers to mind, since so many places of business are referred to as shops (mechanic, hairdresser, fabricator, woodworking, pottery, etc.).

Whatever order you present the images in is the order a reader sees them. That means the image of him turning the sign came before he grabs the bouquet. Since he's on his way out, it seems flipping the sign would be last.

He grasps her body with both arms and holds her against his muscular body, rocking gently.
Grasps brings to mind a firm hold or seizing something. Holds, hugs or gathers implies tenderness.

The description of his 'muscular' body was off putting, seemed out of place for this scene.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2012, 02:10:15 PM by Maimi »

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #18 on: March 16, 2012, 05:41:02 PM »
If the wreath for the 'special customer' is used later, after focus being put on it in the opening, I'd recognize it and get the significance then. Here I'm missing an image for special customer, how, other than if it dwarfs wreaths surrounding it, I'd know it's special. (Edited this to try and make sense, Daryl. My apologies if what I'm trying to say is still muddy.) :)
No need repeating 'green' apron.
In a flower shop, fresh is understood. I'm not certain prepared is necessary, though. By the way, I wondered why the type of shop was omitted in the heading. INT. SHOP. DAY. didn't bring flowers to mind, since so many places of business are referred to as shops (mechanic, hairdresser, fabricator, woodworking, pottery, etc.).

Whatever order you present the images in is the order a reader sees them. That means the image of him turning the sign came before he grabs the bouquet. Since he's on his way out, it seems flipping the sign would be last.
Grasps brings to mind a firm hold or seizing something. Holds, hugs or gathers implies tenderness.

The description of his 'muscular' body was off putting, seemed out of place for this scene.

Thanks Maimi - have altered the text based on your comments. When I struggle to find the right words, i just go ahead and worry later.

One word nagging me at the moment is 'loll'. I'm struggling to find the right word where a head gently rolls to one side as the muscles relax. Any ideas? I thought of limp but still not sure of that either.

Offline Maimi

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #19 on: March 16, 2012, 09:23:45 PM »
Ah, the wonderful sport of word wrestling. :)

For lack of muscle, loll, sag or droop? Tip seems like a small movement.

Good luck. Just don't talk yourself into a circle. That's where a headache thrives.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #20 on: March 16, 2012, 09:30:31 PM »
Flop/slump? :-\

Offline Dawn

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #21 on: March 17, 2012, 01:40:17 PM »
Daryl, I liked lolled. I don't think any other word sums up the way a head flopps to the side.
I agree with Maimi about putting Florist instead of shop. Other than that, all I can is how much I enjoyed it. I could picture everything you were trying to portray.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #22 on: March 17, 2012, 02:37:03 PM »
Daryl, I liked lolled. I don't think any other word sums up the way a head flopps to the side.
I agree with Maimi about putting Florist instead of shop. Other than that, all I can is how much I enjoyed it. I could picture everything you were trying to portray.
[/quote

I'm inclined to think LOLL is best. Cheers Alfie

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #23 on: March 18, 2012, 02:37:20 AM »
Blue;

I am sorry I wrote this on the fly, but I hope you will read it thoroughly and I would like to finish it if you feel you would like to continue.

Please forgive me if this is all too late or possibly, I do not understand your intentions.

Therefore, what I believe I understand your intentions are, based on what I have read, you intend this to be a screenplay.

You also mentioned a very well known concept for screenwriting, as you said, "The old adage of, get in late and leave early."

This is very true. This however is not enough. Therefore, I thought we would start with your second submission, as you mentioned it is your first minute of your script the hook/catalyst.

Use your thick skin here please. I read it  but honestly it was slow. We can look at this later, if you want.

Let us start with something very important. Rules are rules. What that means is you absolutely must stick with rules of screenwriting. Now that I have said that, I will say that yes you can break the rules.

It sounds ridiculously confusing doesn't it? I know….I’ve been there. So let us explore this a bit.
The basic rules of a screenplay are this. Scene Heading. Action. Character. Dialogue. You can intersperse with camera direction and angle or particular sound or special effect, but you as the writer are born to give the director the creativity to expand on what you have written and turn it into a spectacular program. Trudging into his or her territory will get you killed, if you are lucky. That being said, you must first sell your intended client on your work of art. In order to sell your baby, so to speak, you must realize that the people you are hoping to read your masterpiece are simply graduates or soon to be, that are hoping to score a job in the business. Production studios hire these people, not for their scholastic ability, but for their reading ability so that they might slow the influx, while also still looking for that next blockbuster.

With that being the case, then we go back to what I mentioned before. |Rules. You absolutely need to start your scenes with a good….scene heading. Minimum words, place, inside or outside, maybe character but minimum time. That means time of day, series or whatever it is you are showing us. We absolutely need to know where, what and when. Short, curt and descriptive. Leave your time to the last.

Now we can get into the meat of this. Now is your ACTION. Your action scenes will take us from the Scene Description to the understanding of what we are attempting to make our reader understand.

Before we get into this, I want to make one thing very clear; you absolutely need to make the director of your screenplay, your friend. This is the man or woman who will share your creation into a visible reality. It will not be the producer nor the bank or any other, person that grabs their name on the screen. The directors, if they are any good will add his or her twist, but in the end, you are writing this to teach them how to make a good story. Remember this; directors know how to make a great picture, but it is the writers that know how to make a great movie. Never forget this. I have been there and I know. If you learn this and this only, you will succeed.

I am sorry this is long. I will wait to see if you are interested in my ideas and I will be happy to continue. I just do not want to make each post so long.

I hope that, what I have offered at this point is constructive in a way that will help you and I believe I can pinpoint some issues in what you have submitted that will take to success. ;)

Sincerely;


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« Last Edit: March 18, 2012, 02:39:58 AM by Patron »

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #24 on: March 18, 2012, 03:25:04 AM »
Hi Patron,

Screenwriting is all I want to do, so anything you offer towards my success will be greatly appreciated.

Daryl

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #25 on: March 18, 2012, 03:32:19 AM »
Wow, ok....

I was just hanging around and reading some post's. If you're willing to spend some late moments, I would also be willing. Would you like to do this, this way or through P.M.'s your choice of course. I am certainly willing to help with the issues I think are the most crucial, and that will attract a client's attention.

Sincerely;

Patron

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #26 on: March 18, 2012, 04:26:05 AM »
Wow, ok....

I was just hanging around and reading some post's. If you're willing to spend some late moments, I would also be willing. Would you like to do this, this way or through P.M.'s your choice of course. I am certainly willing to help with the issues I think are the most crucial, and that will attract a client's attention.

Sincerely;

Patron

Thanks Patron,

I'm easy with whatever way you want to do it. Here or PM - I don't mind.

Offline Dawn

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #27 on: March 18, 2012, 07:19:19 AM »
Patron I am also very interested. Daryl I hope you don't mind me jumping on the bandwagon so to speak?
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #28 on: March 18, 2012, 03:10:38 PM »
Patron I am also very interested. Daryl I hope you don't mind me jumping on the bandwagon so to speak?

That's why it's best here :)

Offline Dawn

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #29 on: March 18, 2012, 03:27:22 PM »
Thanks Daryl.;)
Time to take it serious and get the job done