Author Topic: Untitled WIP  (Read 17709 times)

Offline midnight candle

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Untitled WIP
« on: February 02, 2012, 09:16:09 AM »
I've just started my next assignment - a 30 page screenplay.

Without telling what the characters are or have been, is it clear from the scenes? Any guesses what the back story might be? Any other comments welcome. The scenes are the hook and introduce the two main characters.

---------



FADE IN:

INT. DANIEL’S HOUSE. DAY.

DANIEL, mid-fifties, sits open legged as he polishes his leather shoes. A duster is wrapped around two fingers as he swirls it around in a slow circular motion on the toe. He stops, looks and spits onto the shoe. He adds more polish and swirls again.

TRACY places a cup of tea on the coffee table. As she walks past him, she stops and touches his shoulder --

-- He looks at her and smiles.


INT. MARIA’S HOUSE. NIGHT.

MARIA, mid-fifties, wears a black headscarf with veil thrown back over her head. She smiles but tears roll from her eyes. JOSE, her son, stands behind with his hands on her shoulders. She leans her cheek onto his hand and wipes her tears away with her hand.

MARIA’s WEDDING PHOTOGRAPH.

Her son is the spitting image of her husband, also called JOSE. They are young. She wears a traditional white dress with veil flung back. Her black hair is bunched upwards apart from two ringlets draping over her shoulders. Jose beams as he holds her hands. His hair is slicked backed with a side parting and his suit is immaculate.

Maria touches his face on the photograph –-

INT. DANIEL’S HOUSE. DAY.

Daniel side parts his greying hair in front of the mirror.
He runs the comb through his hair – that same deliberation with which he polished his shoes.

He bends down and picks up the cup of tea from the coffee table.

A Passport, gold ring and wedding photograph –-

-- the same photograph that Maria has.

He picks up all three items. The passport goes into his inside breast pocket. The wedding ring and photograph he places into a clear plastic bag. He puts the bag into his outer pocket.
He reaches for a cigarette. As he lights the cigarette –-

MATCH CUT:


INT. CHURCH. NIGHT.

Maria lights a candle in the church. She closes her eyes. She does the sign of the cross upon her chest and opens her eyes. Then places the candle amongst all the other candles. She looks up at the Madonna, curtsies and strolls down the long aisle towards the door.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2012, 09:37:32 AM by Blue Moon Cafe »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2012, 10:13:32 AM »
Daniel = former military man/colonial office ambassador, war wedding with Maria [Spanish heritage, maybe European, maybe Latin American] . . . somehow goes AWOL on a mission, MIA whatever and too late to get back to Maria . . . but

I like the cut from lighting the cigarette to lighting the candle. ;) ;) ;)

Offline Dawn

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2012, 12:37:31 PM »
I liked this piece, Blue Moon.
At first, I was thinking amnesia and he has gone awol. Now however, I think he could be doing a Reggie Perrin and starting a new life. Hence why he has put the items in a plastic bag.

I agree with Sio, love the fact that you cut from the lighter to the candle.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2012, 03:34:46 PM »
As the story unfolds, it will become clear who they are, but you've both satisfied me with near enough guesses. So, I'll work on that and post the next segment when it's written.

Thanks Siobhan and alfiemama.

Offline ma100

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2012, 06:37:31 PM »
HI Blue

I believe I know this story so I won't comment on that, just some thoughts, feel free to ignore them. :)


FADE IN:

INT. DANIEL’S HOUSE. DAY.

DANIEL, mid-fifties, sits open legged as he polishes the toe of his leather shoes with a slow circular motion.  He stops, looks and spits onto the shoe. He adds more polish and swirls again. To me it is clear he is using shoe products to clean with.

TRACY places a cup of tea on the coffee table. As she walks past him, she stops and touches his shoulder --

-- He looks at her and smiles.


INT. MARIA’S HOUSE. NIGHT.

MARIA, mid-fifties, wears a black headscarf with veil thrown back over her head. She smiles but tears roll from her eyes. JOSE, her son, stands behind with his hands on her shoulders. She lays her cheek on his hand and wipes her tears away with her hand.It's obvious she uses her hands.

MARIA’s WEDDING PHOTOGRAPH.

Her son is the spitting image of her husband, also called JOSE. They are young. She wears a traditional white dress with veil flung back. Her black hair is bunched upwards apart from two ringlets draping over her shoulders. Jose beams as he holds her hands. His hair is slicked backed with a side parting and his suit is immaculate. The director will love you telling him to get someone the spitting image of a photo. ;D Maria gazes at her wedding photograph then strokes her husbands face in the picture. The prop itself can be put in notes I feel.

Maria touches his face on the photograph –-


Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #5 on: February 03, 2012, 12:14:31 AM »
Thanks ma.

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2012, 07:05:40 AM »
Quote
The director will love you telling him to get someone the spitting image of a photo. 

Use the same actor  8)

Offline ma100

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2012, 07:09:33 AM »
I know that. ;D He will too, but will he like being told something quite so obvious. ;)

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #8 on: February 12, 2012, 01:18:05 AM »
Blue,

I have no idea how to make this quote stuff work so I am, so sorry, copying and pasting, and please forgive me for so.
"Without telling what the characters are or have been, is it clear from the scenes? Any guesses what the back story might be? Any other comments welcome. The scenes are the hook and introduce the two main characters."
My thoughts, if you please:

Daniel. Military manner and style. Possibly a career vet, possibly a spec. forces operative. Maybe a couple of years in, or again maybe a lifer.
Maria, easily is the wife of a possible vet. He is off on another assignment and she weeps for his return or demise.

Then again, what if Daniel is an undercover cop, deep into the Triad mob organization, and his handlers pulled him out, after three deep years, so that he might spend a day in the park with his love, Maria and his first-born child. 
After a memorable moment, his cellular beeps a lone message;
"Get back now".
Sorrow in his eyes, he backs away bidding his family goodbye, as a black sedan pulls to a nearby curb and the door swings open.
This is Marias last site of her husband.

Personally, I like the military aspect better as I have some great thoughts on that. ;)

Sincerely;


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Offline Paris Texas

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #9 on: March 09, 2012, 10:55:07 PM »
I can't get the hang of "Quotes" either - I've read the help - maybe somebody could slip us a sly tutorial?

Embarrassed! ???

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #10 on: March 15, 2012, 04:56:29 PM »
The old agage of get in late and leave early.  This is the first minute of my script - the hook/catalyst that takes the MC out of his status quo. Any comments welcome.

------


FADE IN:

INT. SHOP. DAY.

A white lily. The sound of sprayed water. The Lily glistens. Then we see the watery sheen on lily leaves.

Scar tissue from a bullet wound on a hand tending to the flowers. A satisfied sound of someone breathing in the scent.

The lilies form the central part of a huge wreath for a special customer.

DANIEL, mid-fifties, clean shaven and side-parted greying hair wearing a starched white shirt, tie and green apron. Surrounded by other exotic plants, flowers, shrubs and wreaths.

The clock reads five. Daniel swaps the green apron for his suit jacket. He turns the notice on the shop door and grabs a freshly prepared bouquet of red roses.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM. NIGHT.

Daniel rouses from a nap. His hands are stilkl entwined with TRACY’s, his gaunt, cancer-ridden wife. A NURSE smiles at him as she checks morphine levels. Another smile as she pauses to look at the beautiful red roses in the plain hospital vase.

Tracy opens her eyes and tries to speak. Daniel leans forward – his ear to her mouth -- but she can’t speak. She closes her eyes again ...

... then Tracy’s head lolls to one side.

Tears spill down Daniel’s cheeks. He grasps her body with both arms and holds her against his muscular body, rocking gently. He caresses her cheek and leaves a lingering kiss on her lips.

Offline Annmarie

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2012, 04:00:47 AM »
Is this a new version of the open you'd posted originally? I like the detail in this, but I was more intrigued by the original, particularly his relationship with Maria. Since I don't know what your story focuses on, maybe the newer open is more efficient. But it doesn't give me any real questions I need answered. His wife dies, and that's a huge deal, but since I don't know Daniel, it doesn't affect me too much.  :-[

Again, the new version read nicely. The original version made me think and imagine more, and I liked that.
Work hard. Believe. Take a chance.

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2012, 07:57:35 AM »
Is this a new version of the open you'd posted originally? I like the detail in this, but I was more intrigued by the original, particularly his relationship with Maria. Since I don't know what your story focuses on, maybe the newer open is more efficient. But it doesn't give me any real questions I need answered. His wife dies, and that's a huge deal, but since I don't know Daniel, it doesn't affect me too much.  :-[

Again, the new version read nicely. The original version made me think and imagine more, and I liked that.

Maria comes in quite soon and all the same questions will be raised as the original post offered.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #13 on: March 16, 2012, 10:28:33 AM »
HI -- just wondered how you convey a bouquet of 'freshly prepared' roses? Has he been working on them prior?

stilkl ->>> still

 :) :) :) :)

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Untitled WIP
« Reply #14 on: March 16, 2012, 10:31:55 AM »
HI -- just wondered how you convey a bouquet of 'freshly prepared' roses? Has he been working on them prior?


I guess they won't be droopy and petals falling off :)