I could tell Kyle Sheeney was going to be an evil little sod before he even set foot in the classroom. Sometimes you just know. Just like I knew little Alexander Loveday would be a polite, golden-haired moppet who’s always happy to stay behind and help clear up. Or Cortnee Taylor would be a horrid, deceitful, scheming minx. Sometimes children just seem to grow into their names and I feel no matter what I do, no matter how I believe I can shape their minds and mould them into well-balanced and educated members of society, there’s nothing you can do with a Kyle. Fancy calling him Kyle - you might just as well give him a one way ticket to the Young Offenders Institute.
Strange how one little word can dictate how their lives will turn out. Keeley will surely end up on the check out at Tesco, Paige will marry a footballer no doubt. I suppose Brandon might just avoid a jail cell but as for Lee – well, somewhere out there, there’s an uninsured Vauxhall Corsa with his name on it. Still, at least no-one’s named their offspring Asbo yet but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.
And when I think of dear little Chelsee and Shanice poor little mites – innocence itself at 7 years old but they’ll be up the duff at fourteen no doubt about it.
Of course, I shouldn’t stereotype, it’s wrong to make such assumptions about children – I mean, I went to school with some Sharons and Traceys who turned out to be perfectly nice girls, not at all what you’d expect. They were always very popular….very popular - especially with…with the boys. Although now I think about it, they did spend a lot more time in the bike sheds than the simple pumping up of a slow puncture would account for.
Perhaps they should let teachers re-name children – now there’s an idea. I’d love to have a classroom full of polite little Peters and Susans. Thank you Peter, my you have polished your shoes well this morning. And Susan – what a lovely chocolate cake, that’s so thoughtful. And if one of the Waynes looks like he’s going to be a troublemaker I shall call him Ashley - then let’s see how tough he is. Chelsee and Shanice will be re-branded as Hortensia and Grizelda – it’ll be hard for them at first but at least it might put off motherhood until they find someone who really, really loves them. What a tool that would be for keeping order. Any more of that Callum Jenkins and you’ll be re-named Gaylord. Do you want to be a Gaylord? No I thought not – now sit down and behave.
Yes - incur my wrath and I’ll turn you into a Nellie and send you to sit on the naughty table with Mongo, Smike, Clodmella and Allophantia. There to await your fate. Yes, that’ll teach ‘em to mess with me.
Anyway, better be getting back. Lets see who Kyle has tried to strangle this lunchtime.
