Author Topic: The Writer Prologue (841 words)  (Read 1736 times)

Sam Cooper

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Re: The Writer Prologue (841 words)
« Reply #15 on: January 29, 2012, 04:53:17 PM »
Remember you are writing this for the reader, for publication, so 'what you want' may not be 'what is needed'

It is okay to hang on to your writing, but not too tightly or you'll find improvement a difficulty.

Best with your editing

Sam

Offline Paige Lollie

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Re: The Writer Prologue (841 words)
« Reply #16 on: January 29, 2012, 05:08:38 PM »
Batibchar: Thank you for taking the time in reading this :) it is really appreciated. I am glad that it has captured your attention well.

Sam Cooper: Oh yeah, I am aware that I need to concentrate and focus on my audience, I need to be sure of who I am targeting. So I am not prepared to cling on to anything, I am very willing to work and expand. But I just also don't want to cut back too much. I will need to keep working harder to find that middle ground where it still feels like my story with the writing style and ensure that it is not over-the-top with flowy words that would turn someone within my targeted audience away. I'll just keep taking in the advice you and the others provide and try to edit things to find that "perfect" balance. Thank you, though, for making sure that message is left in my mind when I write.

Offline randi.lee

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Re: The Writer Prologue (841 words)
« Reply #17 on: January 29, 2012, 05:17:40 PM »
Batibchar: Thank you for taking the time in reading this :) it is really appreciated. I am glad that it has captured your attention well.

Sam Cooper: Oh yeah, I am aware that I need to concentrate and focus on my audience, I need to be sure of who I am targeting. So I am not prepared to cling on to anything, I am very willing to work and expand. But I just also don't want to cut back too much. I will need to keep working harder to find that middle ground where it still feels like my story with the writing style and ensure that it is not over-the-top with flowy words that would turn someone within my targeted audience away. I'll just keep taking in the advice you and the others provide and try to edit things to find that "perfect" balance. Thank you, though, for making sure that message is left in my mind when I write.

Such a mature response! I wish more authors took critique as well as you do.

Offline Paige Lollie

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Re: The Writer Prologue (841 words)
« Reply #18 on: January 29, 2012, 05:22:26 PM »
Well thank you Randi, but I just don't find any reason to be defensive or rude. So far everyone has done nothing but provide me with great advice and wonderful things to stew over. Everything will only help my writing, whether I do what they say or not, it will only help if I think about it. :)

Offline Ciara

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Re: The Writer Prologue (841 words)
« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2012, 03:50:32 PM »
Hi Paige,

I'm VERY new to writing so I offer my humble opinion as a reader......

I enjoyed this, I think there is no doubt but that you have a good story here. I liked the little girl tucked up dreaming of becoming a hero.  I was distracted though by feelings of confusion - I think you want mystery, not head scratching. These are my suggestions, please take or leave...

[quoteThe Writer
Book I: War of the Horizons


   “Once upon a time, war was the dream of the people.” The voice carried around the room (this suggested a lecture theatre to me - maybe leave it out or say 'filled the bedroom', sounding more beautiful than any song. Her tone was smooth but coated with wisdom that could only be gained from an experienced life. It was like a vibrant story written on old, worn parchment paper. “It was once an exciting game that citizens of all classes took part of. Simple farm boys became heroes worthy of which epic poems are meant for. Soldiers were the bringers of gold and bread. And the kings' desires only brought about prosperity.”

    No history text could ever have a child like her react in such a fashion. I feel this sentence reads awkwardly

   “There were never losers in these War Games. ................. sink into the mind of her young pupil. This confused me - were these people physically fighting at all? and if not, how did the fighting change then? If you only want to reveal such facts later, then I'd leave this v specific paragraph out of the prologue altogether as I found it distracting. I think you said enough in the first paragraph.


   It was a part of the story, soon the answer willwould be known;


Sensing the need to know, the adult continued, “The West Kingdom fell maybe some explanation - if there were no losers in these wars how did the kingdom fall?. After its collapse the balance everyone has become so use too began to crumble. There has always been four Kingdoms with the Horizons. Always a North, East, South, and West. Each land benefiting from one another and none holding more power than the rest, each deriving benefit from the others.


   “This is why I teach you forgotten abilities. Why you are given new stories to ponder about every night. And why you must learn how to make them yourself. This was a history lesson and one you will need to keep with you throughout your life.” She then pushed the child back into the soft pillows,....I disliked the word 'pushed' here. I believe you want to protray her as firm/distant, but this felt rough

   “I think you should shut your mouth and sleep. You are to get up at dawn.” I agree with the other contributors - this unkindness causes me to disbelieve the opening paragraph about T's 'wisdom'. I feel that her just leaving the room without embracing or offering kind words to such a young child is enough to convey that she is emotionally distant.

quote]

Good luck!

C

Offline Dawn

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Re: The Writer Prologue (841 words)
« Reply #20 on: February 02, 2012, 11:35:33 AM »
I liked this prologue Paige. I think it worked well and would be interested to read more.
I do agree though that maybe, the age of Melanie needs to be upped to be more believable. JMO
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Paige Lollie

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Re: The Writer Prologue (841 words)
« Reply #21 on: February 06, 2012, 05:47:26 PM »
Clara: Thank you so much to put so much time into reading and reviewing! I will be taking all of that advice into account. You really pointed things out in a way that makes a lot of sense. I will be considering it all when I do the rewrite. I understand that I should do things a little better to make things a bit clearer, I hadn't realized that this was that confusing till it was painted out in such an obvious way, thank you so much for taking such time to do that :)

Alfemama: Lol I am considering that now, I am still gonna wait till I get a few more reviews on that topic (within a club not asking for it here lol) because I see how it makes sense, yet at the same time I am also worried of it going the other direction and someone asking "why did the teacher wait so long to tell this girl about a world she needs her help?" I want to see if six is too young, and if it really is, what would a more appropriate age be that makes sense for the story and the world. But thank you :) I am happy you are interested and you would take time to let me know!

Sorry for any late reviews! I typically try to respond over the weekends, but this past weekend had some technical issues. It means a lot you would do this though!

Offline Ciara

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Re: The Writer Prologue (841 words)
« Reply #22 on: February 09, 2012, 04:26:25 PM »
You're welcome. glad I made some sense!
C

Offline Leanna

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Re: The Writer Prologue (841 words)
« Reply #23 on: February 10, 2012, 04:56:17 AM »
Hi Paige,
As someone also commented previously, I feel it would need some reworking:

“War was the dream of the people… It was once an exciting game that citizens of all classes took part of.”
Any adult reading this will say, “This is a twisted view of war or a very naive one. The whole world knows that war is not something to be taken lightly or desired.” Perhaps your purpose here is to introduce an alternative/deviant viewpoint.

“Her teacher would explain. It was a part of the story, soon the answer will be known…”
The passage isn't necessary.

“There were never losers in these War Games. Just winners… The West Kingdom fell…”

This seems contradictory to me. It is impossible for there to be only winners in war. In business, perhaps (win-win situation). If there is a winner in war, then somebody got killed or maimed or lost their land and possessions. So I would suggest that this concept of “just winners” warfare would need to be described in more detail to make it plausible to the reader.

“That is how the War of the Horizons began”
Not sure the “glorious” war Teagan described in the beginning was the War of the Horizons, or this inglorious greedy war she is now describing?

"The people of this land are weak. They have lost their spirit and sense of reality. War became something sinister after decades of being glorious.”

So first the people were heroes and now they are weak. What made them weak? Greed. Ok, but weren’t they being greedy in their warfare before this? What changed that made the people weak and the war sinister?

Just my thoughts.