Author Topic: Crystal  (Read 3518 times)

Offline midnight candle

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Crystal
« on: January 08, 2012, 06:14:19 PM »
I've had an idea floating around for about six months. Until tonight I saw the opening scenes in my head and wrote them in a frenzy. This is a rough first draft, but I just need to know if the hook is subtle enough. Any other comments are welcome though.

......



FADE IN:


INT. BATHROOM. EVENING.

DAVE, mid-thirties. He applies shaving foam over his cheeks, sideburns, neck and throat.

Dave’s reflection as he scrapes the razor down his cheek. He swishes the razor in the water and scrapes again.


INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

AMANDA, mid-thirties. She sits by her dressing table. She presses the towel to her shoulder length brunette hair and drops the towel to the floor.

Amanda’s reflection as opens her eyes wide to apply eyeliner.


INT. BATHROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Dave rinses off the excess shaving foam. He bares his teeth at the mirror.

He reaches for the tumbler of whiskey on the shelf near the sink. He swigs it and breathes in deeply.


INT. BEDROOM. EVENING - CONTINUOUS

Amanda purses her lips and slowly moves the lipstick over her lips.

She smacks her lips, moves in for a closer look at her reflection and applies a second coat.


INT. BATHROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Dave rubs his hands together and applies aftershave. He grimaces.


INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Amanda blow dries her hair, running her fingers through her hair. She stops and shakes her hair. She attempts a smile at the mirror and carries on.


INT. BATHROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Dave picks up the empty tumbler. Walks out of the bathroom.


INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Dave enters the bedroom. Amanda sees his reflection as he puts on a shirt.

She keeps her gaze upon his reflection as he buttons up the shirt and throws the tie lazily around the collar.

She clips the backs onto her earrings.

Dave walks past and takes the ends of her necklace. He clasps it without looking at the mirror and walks away.

She follows with her eyes until his footsteps are heard on the stairs.


INT. LOUNGE. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Dave pours another whiskey. He downs it with one upturn.

He looks inside the empty glass and pours another.


INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Amanda wriggles into her black velvet figure-hugging dress. She reaches around and pulls the zip up.

She smoothes the material over her rounded hips and plumps the cleavage. A half-hearted smile.


INT. LOUNGE. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Dave sips the whiskey and looks at his wristwatch. He glances upwards as though he can see through the ceiling at Amanda.

He shakes his head and finishes the whiskey.

He stares at the photograph on the mantelpiece. A smiling baby.  


INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Amanda stands side on and holds her stomach. A slight bulge but a great figure. She smiles at last!

INT. LOUNGE. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Dave kisses his fingertips and places them upon the baby’s face.

He lights a cigarette and stares at the photograph.


INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Amanda dabs a tissue to both eyes, carefully. She checks her eyes in the mirror. Mascara and eyeliner are perfect.

She breathes in deeply and walks across the floorboards in her stilettos. Click clack.


INT. LANDING. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Amanda pauses outside the child’s bedroom. She stares at the empty cot in the half-light.

She closes the door and walks downstairs.


INT. LOUNGE. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.

Amanda enters the lounge. Dave turns around to face her.

She looks away from his gaze. Embarrassed.

DAVE
You look lovely.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Crystal
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2012, 06:35:45 PM »
Hi -- not sure if this a couple who have lost a baby and are trying to come to terms with it, or a mistress with her lover who resents his love for a child [dead/being babysat elsewhere] ???

Definitely tension between the two of them and neither are happy despite getting glammed up, but I can't pinpoint what their problem is because of my confusion stated above. :-\

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Crystal
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2012, 06:54:53 PM »
Hi -- not sure if this a couple who have lost a baby and are trying to come to terms with it, or a mistress with her lover who resents his love for a child [dead/being babysat elsewhere] ???

Definitely tension between the two of them and neither are happy despite getting glammed up, but I can't pinpoint what their problem is because of my confusion stated above. :-\

It worked then. I used the short split scenes to compliment the fractured relationship. Yes - a dead baby that neither can talk about. All will be revealed.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Crystal
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2012, 06:56:00 PM »
 ;) ;) ;)

Offline Maimi

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Re: Crystal
« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2012, 10:23:40 AM »
This is a rough first draft, but I just need to know if the hook is subtle enough. Any other comments are welcome though.

Two people getting ready didn't seem like it'd be interesting. Then...
"He reaches for the tumbler of whiskey on the shelf near the sink."

Needing a drink before you even manage to get ready? Ouch. Then continuing to imbibe. All is not sunshine and puppies. Paired with other actions and I say good job getting the strain across without dialogue. That alone had me curious about the source of their problem.

His focus on the picture and her stopping by the room and bingo. Enough said. Which, by the way, his compliment was a nice end to the scene and effort on his part to break the silence, which I imagine has become customary since their loss.

There are plenty questions left to be answered: What happened to their child? Is this their first night out since (with her concern over a little stomach pooch, I'm leaning toward a very recent loss and perhaps a first outing requiring more effort that a pair of jeans)? How awkward will dinner, a party or wherever they're going be? And so on.

Nice job.

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Crystal
« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2012, 05:27:29 PM »
Two people getting ready didn't seem like it'd be interesting. Then...
"He reaches for the tumbler of whiskey on the shelf near the sink."

Needing a drink before you even manage to get ready? Ouch. Then continuing to imbibe. All is not sunshine and puppies. Paired with other actions and I say good job getting the strain across without dialogue. That alone had me curious about the source of their problem.

His focus on the picture and her stopping by the room and bingo. Enough said. Which, by the way, his compliment was a nice end to the scene and effort on his part to break the silence, which I imagine has become customary since their loss.

There are plenty questions left to be answered: What happened to their child? Is this their first night out since (with her concern over a little stomach pooch, I'm leaning toward a very recent loss and perhaps a first outing requiring more effort that a pair of jeans)? How awkward will dinner, a party or wherever they're going be? And so on.

Nice job.

Thanks Maimi - they're on the way out for their 15th anniversary dinner - that brings us to the title, name of the child and the fragility of their marriage.

I won't say too much at the moment but you know that conflict has to follow and it sure will! The story is in my head at the moment but I know it's coming out very soon. I'm glad it worked minus dialogue and I wrote what I envisaged in my head and how it would appear on screen. Excited about this project - a 30 minute screenplay for my university exam.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2012, 05:32:15 PM by Blue Moon Cafe »

Offline Klezmer

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Re: Crystal
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2012, 10:08:58 PM »
Nice scene, definite tension, but there's no real action.  The action you have is repetitive, in fact, they are near mirror images, only for some reason she looks at him and he doesn't look at her and she tries to smile.  Some action where she puts herself out there only to be ignored (action to depict the mood you already have) might be helpful.  Also, if Dave looked at her before and had no reaction the pay off to his dialouge might be greater.

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Crystal
« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2012, 07:37:30 AM »
No more comments needed on this - the work is on hold. Thanks for the input so far.