I've had an idea floating around for about six months. Until tonight I saw the opening scenes in my head and wrote them in a frenzy. This is a rough first draft, but I just need to know if the hook is subtle enough. Any other comments are welcome though.
......
FADE IN:
INT. BATHROOM. EVENING.
DAVE, mid-thirties. He applies shaving foam over his cheeks, sideburns, neck and throat.
Dave’s reflection as he scrapes the razor down his cheek. He swishes the razor in the water and scrapes again.
INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
AMANDA, mid-thirties. She sits by her dressing table. She presses the towel to her shoulder length brunette hair and drops the towel to the floor.
Amanda’s reflection as opens her eyes wide to apply eyeliner.
INT. BATHROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Dave rinses off the excess shaving foam. He bares his teeth at the mirror.
He reaches for the tumbler of whiskey on the shelf near the sink. He swigs it and breathes in deeply.
INT. BEDROOM. EVENING - CONTINUOUS
Amanda purses her lips and slowly moves the lipstick over her lips.
She smacks her lips, moves in for a closer look at her reflection and applies a second coat.
INT. BATHROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Dave rubs his hands together and applies aftershave. He grimaces.
INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Amanda blow dries her hair, running her fingers through her hair. She stops and shakes her hair. She attempts a smile at the mirror and carries on.
INT. BATHROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Dave picks up the empty tumbler. Walks out of the bathroom.
INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Dave enters the bedroom. Amanda sees his reflection as he puts on a shirt.
She keeps her gaze upon his reflection as he buttons up the shirt and throws the tie lazily around the collar.
She clips the backs onto her earrings.
Dave walks past and takes the ends of her necklace. He clasps it without looking at the mirror and walks away.
She follows with her eyes until his footsteps are heard on the stairs.
INT. LOUNGE. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Dave pours another whiskey. He downs it with one upturn.
He looks inside the empty glass and pours another.
INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Amanda wriggles into her black velvet figure-hugging dress. She reaches around and pulls the zip up.
She smoothes the material over her rounded hips and plumps the cleavage. A half-hearted smile.
INT. LOUNGE. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Dave sips the whiskey and looks at his wristwatch. He glances upwards as though he can see through the ceiling at Amanda.
He shakes his head and finishes the whiskey.
He stares at the photograph on the mantelpiece. A smiling baby.
INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Amanda stands side on and holds her stomach. A slight bulge but a great figure. She smiles at last!
INT. LOUNGE. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Dave kisses his fingertips and places them upon the baby’s face.
He lights a cigarette and stares at the photograph.
INT. BEDROOM. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Amanda dabs a tissue to both eyes, carefully. She checks her eyes in the mirror. Mascara and eyeliner are perfect.
She breathes in deeply and walks across the floorboards in her stilettos. Click clack.
INT. LANDING. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Amanda pauses outside the child’s bedroom. She stares at the empty cot in the half-light.
She closes the door and walks downstairs.
INT. LOUNGE. EVENING – CONTINUOUS.
Amanda enters the lounge. Dave turns around to face her.
She looks away from his gaze. Embarrassed.
DAVE
You look lovely.
