Author Topic: Scene for my writing class  (Read 2506 times)

Offline AlwaysCarrie

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Scene for my writing class
« on: January 18, 2012, 01:02:05 AM »
BRADLEY   So my doctor says I need to start eating better.

CRYSTAL   Why? Is there something wrong with you?

BRADLEY   No. Not exactly. He just said Iím getting older now and I need to be more aware of what I put in my body.

CRYSTAL   Well I think itís a great idea!

BRADLEY   (Annoyed.) I knew you would.

CRYSTAL   (Excited.) Just think. Once a week we could have dinner at my place and I could teach you how to cook healthier food. Oh! And we could go to the farmers market together and buy fresh fruits and veggies! It will be a blast. My friend Sally told me about this wonderful newÖ

BRADLEY   Whoa! Just wait a sec there missy.  Donít get too excited.  This isnít some kinda Extreme Makeover: Food Edition.

CRYSTAL   Donít be silly. I just think this is the kind of lifestyle change that you need. Besides, if you eat healthier, youíll most likely live longer. And that means we will get to be together always.

BRADLEY   (Under his breath.) Somebody shoot me now.

CRYSTAL   Seriously it will be fun! I promise.

BRADLEY   The last time you promised me something would be fun, I got stuck playing bridge with your Nana and her friends.

CRYSTAL   You enjoyed that night.
 
BRADLEY   During which they all proceeded to have one too many glasses of wine. And that led to what Iím sure was one of them grabbing my ass at one point. I think it was Barb. She had a look about her like she used to be a floozy.

CRYSTAL   Oh please. You know still to this day they all say you are a very nice boy.

BRADLEY   I bet they doÖIím just saying, I donít think you quite understand what I think is fun. And for your information going to the farmers market and eating organic food is not on my list.

CRYSTAL   Well Iím just trying to get you excited about eating healthier food is all. Your doctor is right. You are getting older and itís time to make some changes.

BRADLEY   Itís one thing to eat healthier, but I am NOT turning into one of those tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing, hippies. I mean come on they wonít eat any food with pesticides on it, but they somehow manage to never wash their hair? Seems kind of cultish if you ask me. 

CRYSTAL   (Harsh tone.) Thatís not how it is and you know it.

BRADLEY   Besides the whole organic food thing is just a fad anyway.   

CRYSTAL   Youíre crazy!

BRADLEY   Itís true. Itís all a bunch of eco-marketing rhetoric. Next youíre going to tell me I should only eat free range meat and think about starting a Gluten free diet.

CRYSTAL   Those are great ideas!

BRADLEY    First of all I donít even know what Gluten is, but it sounds extremely delicious. So I donít think Iíll be giving that up anytime soon.

CRYSTAL   Will you please stop and take this seriously for one second? This isnít a trend we are talking about. Eating organic food is more than that.
 
BRADLEY   Oh really?

CRYSTAL   Yes really. It not only tastes better but it also has higher levels of vitamins and beneficial nutrients. Organic farming practices are designed to encourage soil and water conservation and reduce pollution.
 
BRADLEY   (Sarcastically) Fascinating

CRYSTAL   And most organic food is grown locally by small independent farms. So we would not only be helping ourselves but also our community.

BRADLEY   I guess Nana would appreciate that. And Iím all for food if it tastes better.

CRYSTAL   I know sacrificing AM/PM cheeseburgers at 1:00 am seem like a lot right now, but trust me you wonít regret it. You will feel better, not only physically, but also about who you are.

BRADLEY   But late night cheeseburgers is who I am!

CRYSTAL   Just imagine, if you die, instead of marrying you Iíll have to marry Stephen from across the street. Who you know undresses me with his eyes every time I get the mail. And I know how much you enjoy that. Plus I love you and I want you to be healthy.

BRADLEY   You make some very good points my love. 

CRYSTAL   So what do you say, farmers market and a cooking lesson next week?

BRADLEY   Iím sure Stephen will have a Tie Dye shirt I can borrow.   

Lin

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Re: Scene for my writing class
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2012, 04:06:18 AM »
Yes I liked this a lot but I did feel it was a little unnatural in places.  Think how you would say all of this and not how it should be written.

For example

You wrote
CRYSTAL   (Harsh tone.) Thatís not how it is and you know it.  Or  - No, you know fine well what I meant.

BRADLEY   Besides the whole organic food thing is just a fad anyway.    I would get rid of 'anyway'

CRYSTAL   Youíre crazy!

BRADLEY   Itís true. Itís all a bunch of eco-marketing rhetoric. Next youíre going to tell me I should only eat free range meat and think about starting a Gluten free diet. delete and replace with  - and eat a Gluten-free diet.  

CRYSTAL Those are great ideas.  Maybe you could write - I hadn't thought of that

Remember actors are going to have to say this out loud and they need to say it in 'everyday language'

Not that there is anything 'wrong' with your words, it's just that script has to sound more natural when it's read out loud.  My mother was a TV actress so that's where I am coming from in this.

And for your interest I got loads of BBC scripts in my possession because of my mother's involvement.  I think I shall keep them for their value - ; Auf Wiedersehen Pet' etc etc.

Good luck with your assignment.

Lin

« Last Edit: January 18, 2012, 04:08:10 AM by Lin Treadgold »

Offline heidi52

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Re: Scene for my writing class
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2012, 08:08:47 AM »
I enjoyed this, it sounded real. Crystal comes off as just a little preachy, but that may be the character you are going for.

I only had a problem with these 2 lines:

CRYSTAL   I know sacrificing AM/PM cheeseburgers at 1:00 am seem like a lot right now, but trust me you wonít regret it. You will feel better, not only physically, but also about who you are.

BRADLEY   But late night cheeseburgers is who I am!

AM/PM don't know if this is the name of a chain, but it's not needed and makes the am in time be close repetition

cheeseburgers are who I am

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Scene for my writing class
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2012, 05:50:16 PM »
Where is the scene taking place? Do the characters move across the stage? Are they standing or sitting? Do they use any props? I think this needs some stage directions.

Tony_A20

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Re: Scene for my writing class
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2012, 08:58:36 AM »
Have you asked yourself why an audience would be even faintly interested in this conversation?


Offline AlwaysCarrie

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Re: Scene for my writing class
« Reply #5 on: January 21, 2012, 08:19:33 PM »
Thank you all for the great feedback. As for the last couple posts @510bhan my professor specifically asked us to not use stage directions because it was for an in class reading and he wanted us to focus on the dialogue. If I were having it performed I would incorporate stage directions. @Tony_A20 I did ask myself why someone would be interested in this conversation. My answer is that this a conversation most of us can relate to. It takes a serious matter of health and makes it funny and therefore more comfortable to address. Plus who hasn't dealt with an overbearing wife or a careless husband? I got great feedback from my class. So thank you all again for the input!

Patron

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Re: Scene for my writing class
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2012, 03:12:22 AM »
AlwaysCarrie

I want to tell you that I very much enjoyed reading this.

I think you have a great and well thought out piece.

I don't know what stage you are in with this as well as I don't know if this a screenplay, play or???

That being said, I think this advice can help  you. First of all your intro is excellent. I felt I had command of the scene. Sorry, but the downfall is a very long set of conversation. It seemed that I went from character to character and character again but with very little imagery.

It's ok because your conversation is very natural and appealing. What is wrong, is that we as an audience need pizazz so to speak. We need something that will carry us through the conversation. Small and simple changes or breaks that give us thefeeling that we are still watching and not being bored by to much conversation.
I do not mean this in a bad way, because I want to congratulate you in your conversational pieces as many writers have trouble engaging characters in natural conversation, which you seem to have a natural ability to do.
I would love to see you rework this with some theatrical scene changes or at the very least descriptions that could break up the conversation.

I hope this helps and I would be a further assistance if you need.


Sincerely;


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