Author Topic: Love Song  (Read 1277 times)

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Love Song
« on: January 02, 2012, 11:31:15 AM »
After a brief unstable relationship,
he wrote to her:

Please see to the dog, you left with its bone.
It is digging up your pillows and eating feathers.
Wheels are clamped to its head,
it doesen't clean the floor anymore.
I mean the carpet-sweeper.
The dog is distracting me.
It canít speak music anymore.
I mean my head --- I think.
It has shit several times
and is beginning to smell.
I mean my mind.
The dog is leg-humping your pink umbrella.
He is very upset
that you left without explaining
what your body meant.


~~~


« Last Edit: January 03, 2012, 10:21:30 AM by SparkyDashforth »

Offline drab

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Re: Love Song
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2012, 08:40:19 PM »
This is a strange one S.
I don't understand L3. I probably sound stupid but I read it as the N being the dog. Or more accurately the dog being N's trouser snake.
No technical crits.
A quirky juxtaposition, funny and I enjoyed it.

To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Love Song
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2012, 11:38:39 PM »
Hi drab thanks for the comments :)
Re: L3. I wanted the N (the guy) to sound a little crazy.
The poor sap has just been dumped and he is dealing
with a large pet who is constantly demanding his attention.
In L3 his addled lovesick mind is jolted from one thought
to another.  Its all about him really but he can't
stop talking about the floor sweeper (probably the apartment
is a mess now that she has gone) and the damn dog
who is running around chewing up the furniture.



Offline drab

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Re: Love Song
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2012, 07:50:09 AM »
Thanks S.
But I prefer my take on it. A love-deranged man behaving like an animal, biting pillows and having sex with her 'pink umbrella'
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Love Song
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2012, 10:05:33 AM »
Entertaining, amusing -- too weird for me to offer any suggestions for -- I don't quite understand it, thank God. :D :D :D

I do like the last 3 lines very much. ;D

dosen't ->>> doesn't

Not sure about leg-humping the umbrella, either the dog is humping the umbrella [as it would a visitor's leg] or it is not. JMO Though I get what you mean, I can't see 'leg-humping an umbrella' -- too confusing an image, I don't know of many umbrellas with legs.

Offline drab

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Re: Love Song
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2012, 10:14:59 AM »
I like leg-humping... in the poem that is!
He could be shagging the umbrella horizontally on the floor, but if it's shagged vertically I think leg-humping is good.
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Love Song
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2012, 10:18:49 AM »
Thanks Sio and drab ;)

I'm not quite sure why you both are having difficulty with this.
The poem is a babble - a head-talk.  It uses off-the-wall images
to create a mood of distraction and confusion
attempting to get into the mindset of our dumped lover
left in an apartment with a rambunctious canine. The guy
is barely coping and is trying to write a letter (in his head),
to his ex.  Basically he is asking for answers and painting the
chaos of his life now without her.  It comes out as babble.
The poem is meant to be humorous. I guess I miss my mark,
but it does work for me ;)

Ta Sio, thanks for the typo spot yet again.


Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Love Song
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2012, 10:20:24 AM »
Hi drab
I was waiting for some wiseguy to inform me that umbrella's don't have legs :D

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Love Song
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2012, 10:24:59 AM »
I did say it was entertaining and amusing . . . but because it is head babble that makes it diffcult to see anything that might improve the poem. Hard to say if it is 'perfect' or not, or whether it would benefit from any tweaks because of its nature . . . that's all.

Offline SparkyDashforth

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Re: Love Song
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2012, 10:32:30 AM »
Not every work needs a polish Sio
turd or diamond, some poetry is just okay where it is.