Author Topic: WIP The Weekenders By: Andrew Minyard Word Count 1,642 (Adult Language)  (Read 3381 times)

Offline Mick1up

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 5
Dear Reader,
      The following is my current progress on my INDIE film called "The Weekenders" Inspired by "Clerks" by Kevin Smith. I would appreciate any feed back as to what you think of the story and the content so far. WARNING! This is a first Draft and a very long (and Incomplete one) at that so without further a due sit back, relax and visualize this.

The Weekenders
By: Andrew Minyard

SCENE 1

INT BLACKSCREEN
PHONE: BEGINS TO RING ONCE, TWICE, THREE, FOUR TIMES TILL IT BEEPS FOR THE ANSWERING MACHIENE TO RECORD A MESSAGE

PHONE: BEEEEEEEEP

A FRUMPY VOICE TALKS ON THE PHONE:
HEY DAHNÖ UGHÖWHERE ARE YOU? DONíT TELL ME YOU FORGOT-

PHONE: BEEP
DAHN NOW ANSWERS THE PHONE ANNYED:
CAHIL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WHINING ABOUT?

 CAHIL:
JESUS CHRIST! *SIGH*

FADE IN:




INT:
BACK AND FOURTH BETWEEN DAHN AND CAHIL
CAHIL IS STANDING ON A CELL PHONE WITH A SOLID WALL BEHIND HIM
DAHN IS ASLEEP ON HIS COUTCH UNDER A MOUND OF CLOTHS HIS hand IS DROPPING OUT LAZILY
AS CAHIL SIGHS DAHNíS HAND HOLD UP HIS HAND TO THE CLOTHS ANNOYED

CUT TO CAHIL ANNOYED PISSED LOOK

PAUSE

DAHN: WHAT!

CAHIL WHO IS STILL ANNOYED:
IíLL GIVE YOU A HINTÖ

DAHN:
PLEASE BECAUSE IF YOUR GONNA BE A LITTLE WHINEY BITCH ABOUT IT-

CAHIL CALMLY AND DASTARDLY SWEET:
WHAT DAY IS TODAY?

DAHN:
UGHÖ. FRIDAY I THINK.


CAHIL YELLING:
YOUíRE DAMN RIGHT ITíS FRIDAY! IíM WORKING YOUR SHIFT BECAUSE THEY CALLED YOU SEVEN TIMES AND YOU DIDNíT FLIPPINí ANSWER!

DAHN STILL MUMBLING:
WELL YOU CAN ALWAYS USE THE EXTRA MONEY.

CAHIL YELLING:
GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP HERE! IíM NOT WORKING YOUR SHIFT ALONE!

DAHN AGERVATED:
FINE, GIVE ME ABOUT UGHÖ 23 MINUTES.

CAHIL:
MAKE IT SEEM LIKE 17!

DAHN AGERVATED THROWS HAND DOWN:
  FINE JUST GET OFF MY ASS!

Dahn questioningly:
Hey isnít Arthur working with you today?

Cahil:
Yea, but thatís beside the point get up here NOW!

PHONE HANG UP BEEP

PAUSE

DAHN IS QUIET AND TRYING TOO SLEEP

THE COUTCH NEXT TO HIM LAYS A DOG
IT LOOKS AT THE CAMERA THEN LOOKS AWAY

PAUSE

DAHN MUMBLING TO YELLING:
SHITÖ.. IM UP NOW DAMN IT!!




INT:
LIGHT SWITCH IS SHOWN BEING FLIPED ON
HIS PHONE IS SHOWN ON THE TABLE CLOSE UP ONLY HIS HAND IS SEEN GRABBING IT
DAHN IS SHOWN ONLY FEET PUTTING ON SHOES
JACKET IS PICKED UP
HE GRABS HIS KEYS
OPENS CAR DOOR
CUT OUT TO BLACK

SCENE 2

DAHNíS CAR IS SHOWN FROM FRONT WINDOW DRIVING UP AND PARKING

Cahill who is now relieved puts palm to face:
FinallyÖ

INT:
Car door opens Dahn
Camera is low as Dahnís feet touch the ground
Camera slowly scrolls up as we finally see all of Dahn

LOOK:
Dahn is wearing a black shirt that says ďjerkĒ
He is also wearing sun glasses
Black boots
He also wears green pants
LOOK:

Pause on Dahnís sun glassed face
Camera is facing Dahnís back as he walks in the store
INT:

In the store Cahil is behind the counter
Dahn casually strolls up like the whole ordeal from earlier never happened
Cahil has his head resting on his head and elbow on the counter as if depressed

Dahn: Whatís up mopey moe.

Cahil just glairs at him as Dahn position himself to see what he sees out the window.

Stiff silence

Dahn: pump number 3?

Cahil unfixes his eyes to glair at Dahn.
Cahil then shakes his head:
Yes pump # three Dahn do you know who that is?

Dahn: UghÖ (Dahn takes off his sun glasses to study over the figure) Oh yea! Thatís that prick from high school, yea ughÖ olí whatís his name?

Cahil: Thatís Fredrick Roughyerds.

Dahn: The dude that kicked your ass last year for talking to his ex?

Cahil: Dating his ex.

Dahn kinda surprised: holy crap, man. I had no clue you two were dating. I mean every time you leaned in for a kiss she would shluf you off.

Cahil: Yea but the relationship was pretty strong at some points.

Dahn: anyways after heís done fueling up and coming in here to pay lets pour sugar in his gas tank.

At this point a customer walks up to the register.

Cahil: Not surprising that you would think of something like that.

Dahn: Whats that supposed to mean?

Cahil: It means I'm not surprised that the man who thinks arson is the cure all for stupidity would contemplate blowing up someoneís car in front of a gas pump, thus killing all of us too.

Dahn: Hey no consequences for us right?

Cahil: youíre terrible. (Just now noticing the customer) Hi sorry about that can I help you?

Customer is slightly frightened:
UghÖ just this please.

Cahil: 1.75.

Customer drops the change on the counter and runs out the door.

Slight pause

At this time Fredrickís car has pulled up in front of the store.
Horn honks
Dahn and Cahil look
Cahil questioningly: What the hell?

Dahn Pissed:
Oh hell no címon Cahil!

Dahn grabs Cahil by the shirt and they open the door
Fredrick Honks the horn again and a girls head pokes out the window

Girl: Hey Dahn!

Dahn:
Bree? What are you doing with this asshole?

Fredrick:
Ha ha ha ha ha losers! Thanks for the gas you asses!

Cahil: Holy crap Harleyís back there too?

Fredrick to Bree:
Címon babe weíre going now! Forget these losers.

Bree:
Bye Dahn.

She pulls her head back in the car and they speed off.
Tires screech

Dahn and Cahil stand there in a daze.

Dahn: Oh hell no! Iím calling the cops!

As they walk back in the store:

Cahil yelling:
The cops!? What are they gonna do arrest him for being a douche bag?

Dahn: No, (has the phone in his hand) Iíll just say he had a crack pipe in his mouth and if thatís not bad enough some girls head came up from his lap.

Cahil: Then theyíd all go to jail and youíd never get the chance to hook up with Bree.

Dahn stops

Dahn: I hate it when youíre right.

He puts up the phone

Cahil: Iím always right you just choose not to accept it.

Dahn: Your pushiní it dude.

Cahil:
I just canít believe Harley and Bree are with that asshole do you think they both know theyíre getting played?

Dahn: who is fiddling with something:
Positive, I know it must have come up at least once or twice I mean I wouldnít doubt it if theyíve already had a three way.

Cahil:
What!


Dahn:
Yeah think about it!


Dahn:
I mean for real this has been going on for like six months now Iím sure itís come up before the guy is practically a walking hard on.

Cahil:
Wa- Wa- Wait! How do you know theyíve been at this six months?

Dahn:
Everyone knows.

Cahil: Harley and I only broke up 3 months ago the month after my birthday. If you knew 6 months ago why didnít you tell me.

 Dahn:
You were just so happy I didnít wanna ruin it for you on your birthday.

Cahil:
Great so thatís why she protested so much about doing it on my birthday!


Dahn:
Actually I think any girl would protest about that.

Cahil:
Shut up not now Dahn!  

Pause

At this time Arthur walks out from the back room.

Arthur:
So, whatís up today guys?

Cahil pissed:
I-   I need some time.

Cahil walks out Dahn glairs at Arthur

Dahn:
Dick move dude.

Dahn walks out after Cahil.

Arthur is left there by himself Dahn exits:
What? Whatíd I say?

Scene 3

INT:
Cahil is outside by the dumpster
His back is too the wall as he falls to the ground in a depressed position
Dahn shortly enters the scene

Dahn: Címon man you know I didnít mean it like thatÖ

Cahil doesnít move he is still in the same mopey position.
Silence as Dahn still looks at Cahil

Dahn: Look man what I meant was-

Cahil semi annoyed:
Itís not that Dahn.

Dahn:
Huh?

Cahil:
Itís, you know, I feel like all my life Iíve been chasing dead ends.

Dahn interested look in his eyes.

Dahn: How so?


Cahil:
Iíve been on and off with the same girl for almost 3 years now and every time we break up I just start to see what a waist Iíve been. I mean look at this job!
(he points to the gas station)
Where do you think Iím going with this? Nowhere fast thatís for damn sure,
(sigh)
Why I stick around Iíll never know.

Dahn:
I know exactly how you feel.

Cahil looks up from his hunch then back down

Cahil:
Yeah, well for some reason I highly doubt that. You seem to have a little too much fun here.

Dahn:
Cahil, just because you donít like something doesnít mean you canít enjoy it.

Cahil:
Yeah right.

Dahn:
You need to get your mind out of this slump bro. We need to just take a weekend off ya’ know.

(now IDEALALY thinking)
Cahil looks again

Dahn continued:
Yeah, a whole weekend, a whole weekend off just to be irresponsible again. You know party it up and just cut loose.

Cahil:
But your scheduled to work all weekend how are you gonna pull that off.

Dahn:
One second.

Dahn begins to walk off camera as Cahil goes back into his hunch

INT: Inside the store
Arthur is at the counter
Customer walks off

Arthur:
Have a nice day.
Ding as customer walks out and Dahn walks in

Dahn:
Hey Iím taking the weekend off.

Dahn starts to walk out immediately after

Arthur loud voice:
But Dahn-

Dahn:
Itís not negotiable!

Ding door shuts.

Int:
Back of store again
Cahil hasnít moved
Dahn enters the scene again


Dahn:
Okay I got the weekend off.

Cahil:
Howíd you do that?

Dahn:
Donít worry about it. The important thing is that we get to just take it easy and have fun this weekend.

Cahil extends his hand for Dahn to grab it and help him up
Dahn does
As Cahil gets up
They walk off screen

Dahn:
Now all we have to do is pick up Alex.


thanks for your time!

Copyright Andrew Minyard 2011-


Subject Line Edit by Maimi: See item (b) in Sticky.
« Last Edit: December 16, 2011, 02:19:16 PM by Maimi »

Offline fire-fly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 97904
  • Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi
Re: WIP The Weekenders By: Andrew Minyard What do you think
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2011, 12:30:10 AM »
Hi Mick

I see you are new to MWC.

It would be nice to see you introduce yourself here http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php/board,1.0.html and look at our guidelines for posting and word counts etc.

Would also be nice to see a newbie offer some crits on other members work first up as well, this would be though highly of by our posters.

Firefly

Moderator.
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


Offline heidi52

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 13213
Re: WIP The Weekenders By: Andrew Minyard What do you think
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2011, 08:19:55 AM »
Hi Mick
Sorry but nothing happens. Found it too boring to continue. And even just skimming it's got a lot of typos.

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: WIP The Weekenders By: Andrew Minyard What do you think
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2011, 08:35:27 AM »
Definitely tidy up the errors.

It was a bit slow to start with, but maybe that's because it's on the page not on the screen [I know nothing about screenplays/scriptwriting -- just a reader] and you need to set up the situation for them taking off on an exciting weekend.

I'm interested to find out how Dahn organised his time off -- what did he do, kill his boss? >:D

Offline Mick1up

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 5
Re: WIP The Weekenders By: Andrew Minyard What do you think Word Count 1,642
« Reply #4 on: December 15, 2011, 09:39:32 PM »
of course you know it is just the first couple of minutes of the film more is too come as is a proper spell check but this is just a rough draft and don't worry there is more excitement to come.

Offline millsja

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 175
Re: WIP The Weekenders By: Andrew Minyard What do you think Word Count 1,642
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2011, 10:06:15 AM »
I a new reviewer.

I was distracted by the Capital letters for dialogue.
Why were they in caps?
Is this normal formatting for a screenplay?

... James Maxwell
James Maxwell

Offline Maimi

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3537
Re: WIP The Weekenders By: Andrew Minyard What do you think Word Count 1,642
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2011, 02:12:48 PM »
Hello Andrew,

You do a good job establishing the relationship between Dahn and Cahil and showing how they go about the daily grind. :)

Try to write so obvious camera directions, such as close up, aren't needed--if this is a spec script. Meaning if all you note in the descriptive narrative is about what someone's hand is doing, then the reader will only visualize that and not other things.

Edit: Unless Dahn lives in a garage where his car is parked, a scene heading of EXT. PLACE - TIME or INT. GARAGE - TIME is needed before he opens the car door.

Your overuse of ALL CAPS made the read difficult, as well as incomplete scene headings (INT. instead of INT./EXT. PLACE - TIME).

Quote
INT:
Cahil is outside by the dumpster
His back is too the wall as he falls to the ground in a depressed position
If Cahil is outside, then EXT. should be used. A complete scene heading, such as EXT. ALLEY - DAY, would remove the need for 'outside' in the descriptive narrative. It'd also help your reader visualize the setting.


I know you said this is a rough draft, but smoothing out the edges is common courtesy when asking people to comment on your work. It keeps them from wasting their and your time by pointing things out you already know. Plus, by taking the time to clean up the errors you're well aware of before posting, those mistakes won't hinder reviewers from focusing on the content you asked about. Otherwise, it's like handing a 2X4 to a construction worker and asking what they think of your house so far. :D

Yes, I know the last line is cheesy. With some training in architectural design, it made me laugh. ;D :D
« Last Edit: January 09, 2012, 08:52:53 AM by Maimi »

Offline midnight candle

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3750
  • just checking in
Re: WIP The Weekenders By: Andrew Minyard Word Count 1,642 (Adult Language)
« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2011, 07:10:28 AM »
You need to get the hang of formatting for screen. It's a concept that is set in stone. No one will touch the script if it's written in any other way. It's a learning curve but it's the first impression any agent/reader gets of your abilities.