Author Topic: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.  (Read 2468 times)

Offline Sharon L

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 125
Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #15 on: December 12, 2011, 07:11:08 PM »
Saw that you saw earlier post--don't change the Gables name --I love it! I suggested using it as a adj to "property" which cleared things up for me....

Sharon L

Offline mfarraday

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 485
Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #16 on: January 14, 2012, 05:07:20 PM »
Try:

The chance to purchase the property was too good an opportunity to miss. Fortune never smiles upon those who wait. In their rush to secure a good deal, Isabel and Gary forgot to ask many important questions, assuming there was no need, since this was such a prime piece of real estate.

They had scrimped and saved, forgone luxuries for years, and finally, they had the cash they needed. Frugality and sacrifice had paid off. The Gables suited their needs in every way. They planned to invest in horses, and the property offered several acres of protected land, well suited to this type of purchase.   



Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #17 on: January 14, 2012, 05:16:37 PM »
Thanks for looking and your suggestions. ;)

There have been a few changes to my copy since I first posted this. Here is how it reads now:

Her glance followed him and she noticed the house name swinging on its chain. Slane Lodge suited their needs and offered acres of protected land with the possibility of establishing a sympathetic business on it. The opportunity was too good to miss. They had cash available so Isabel and Gary didn’t ask any questions about the previous owner in their rush to secure the property. Having scrimped and saved, and foregone luxuries for years, their frugality and sacrifice had finally paid off. Isabel thought kennels might be a good idea. She smiled. Perhaps they’d get a dog of their own soon. A Jack Russell/Border Terrier cross would be handsome and keep the spread free of vermin. Ah, the good life! She inhaled a deep breath of country air and went to help Gary.

Offline junel

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 938
Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2012, 03:52:04 AM »
just my two cents ...

I think you could do more here, though most of it depends on if your two characters know if this is a notorious black spot? I didn't notice any mention of this in your posts. Sorry if I missed it.

So, you could provide an explanation for them taking the property, the saving, the frugality, the bargain, possibly the horses and the business. But you could possibly make more of showing their frivolousness towards the checking of the property and primarily, its associated history. This would contrast against their excitement and work as a foreshadowing of - I presume - the tragedy or doom to come.

Something like (this is rubbish, but it's just to get the point across) ...

After years of scrimping and saving, foregoing luxuries, it had finally paid off. Slane Lodge offered acres of protected land and the possibilty of a business. Isabel and Gary unpacked boxes, feeling their skins tingling with excitement, and forgetting that neither had checked into the propertys history.

Hope that gets the point across.

Junel.




Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #19 on: January 15, 2012, 07:08:56 AM »
Thanks for looking and commenting junel -- I do see what you mean and you've given me an idea. Cheers. ;)

Offline Dawn

  • Dawn
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9106
  • 'Kinky boobs? Really, well I never.'
Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2012, 01:32:35 PM »
Just to say I like Junels idea. Agree this would work well Sio.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #21 on: January 15, 2012, 01:37:27 PM »
Cheers Dawn, appreciate you looking in. ;)

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Frosses Road -- help with a dodgy paragraph please.
« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2012, 06:50:55 AM »
As her glance followed him, she noticed the house name swinging on its chain and made a mental note to find out more about the old house.

Would that help?

btw -- name change -- a Slane was a turf spade ;)
« Last Edit: January 16, 2012, 06:52:59 AM by 510bhan »